Modern Childhood

“Ongoing Themes: #Dyslexia #ADHD #LD Discrepancy #504 #Parenting”

Those of you following this blog for some time know there are some recurring themes in these posts (that mostly irritate me).

For others  newer to these posts, I will help to bring you up to speed with some of the predominant ones.

  1. The LD-Discrepancy Model: Easily the number one issue that gets under my skin is the LD-Discrepancy model used in many states (New Jersey being one) to classify children in special education as learning disabled.  I discussed it in my recent blog post  (https://shutdownlearner.com/ineffective-inefficient-irrational-immoral-and-indefensible/), but if If you need a primer on the LD-Discrepancy model, this is a great overview: (https://www.understood.org/en/articles/the-discrepancy-model-what-you-need-to-know). 
  2. Pathologizing Childhood: Not all child problems are neurobiological (i.e., “brain-based”) disabilities.   Some issues are just kids being kids. (Please see my blog on boy executive function deficits: https://shutdownlearner.com/?s=hypothetical ).  Also, sometimes the material being given to them is inappropriate to their level of reading ability.  That is not an “in the head” problem.  It’s a curriculum issue.
  3. “Diagnosing” ADHD Based on Small Data: Checking a few items (e.g., “Easily distractible….Inattentive, etc.”) on a rating scale like the Vanderbilt given in the pediatrician’s office is not enough.   There are a multitude of factors that could be producing the distractibility.  Many of these factors should be understood before putting a child on medication for ADHD.
  1. “We can’t diagnose dyslexia – you need to see a neurologist.” Parents are reflexively told this by the school when they raise concerns of dyslexia.   Seriously, how many neurologists or pediatricians that you know give a battery of reading, spelling and writing tests that are necessary to assess dyslexia?  At its core, dyslexia is a reading disability.  How can this be determined without a battery of reading measures?  Stop telling parents it is a medical condition.
  2. “This or That Thinking:” “I just want to get to the bottom of it,” parents will say.  “I just don’t know if it’s ADD or laziness.”   The problem as I see it is that there rarely is a bottom.  The truth is it’s almost never,  “this or that.”  With most kids it’s almost always, “this and that and that.”
  3. Overplaying 504 Plans: Listen up, gang. The reality of 504 Plans is that they do not do that much.  504s do not offer services, but basic accommodations (e.g., extended time).
  4. “Hey, Bud” Parenting: I hate to break the news to parents out there, but they are your children.  You don’t set limits with your buddies.  You set limits with children.
  5. Screen Addicts: I get it.  Times change.  I don’t get the newspaper delivered any more.  I have my phone with me most of the time and am in a froth when I can’t locate it.  With that said, kids care about little else than their screen time.   They are becoming addicted.   We’re not facing it.

 Takeaway Point:  I understand that some may think that I am just saying these things because I am at the “get off my lawn” stage of life.  Maybe it’s compounded by that fact, but I have been repeating these theme to parents for many years.

Perhaps getting it off my chest helps –  it’s still cheaper than real therapy!!!


Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

“Homework??? That’s So Yesterday.”

More and more, parents tell me that their children never get homework.

When there is homework, it is often a battleground.  Refrains such as, “It’s stupid,”  “I hate it,”  “It’s not fun,” and variations on these themes occur across the country starting in the afternoon, continuing through until about 8:00 at night.

Of course, there are the dutiful soldiers who don’t complain (rarely the boys), getting started on their own, completing the assignment (putting a check next to the completed task in their assignment book) and even putting it  back in their backpack so it can be found the next day in school.

I never have known whether homework has legitimate value as a learning tool for reinforcing or broadening skills. However beyond the potential reinforcement of skills, I do think homework has symbolic value.

Without stating it directly to children, the symbolic value can be summed up quite simply.   It goes something like this:

In order to be a functioning member of society you need to learn a few things, like getting out of bed and showing up on time.  As adults you will probably have deadlines for different tasks doing this thing we call a ‘job’ and it is in your interest to meet the deadlines.  Just going on YouTube, TikTok or playing video games for hours on end is not going to cut it.”

If kids are given a message like this directly it would likely  be tuned out, with the child staring into the attention-deficit ether, not hearing a word of it.

Homework conveys this message indirectly, starting in first grade continuing through high school and even into college.

With the current trend that homework has no value and is seen as purposeless, how will this message be delivered?

Probably not through TikTok or Fortnite.


Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

Podcast Interview Released

As a changes of pace, I am excited to share a recent interview that was conducted with me by “Beautifully Complex:  Navigating Neurodiverse Parenting.”

The interview is only about 30 minutes.  Would love to get your feedback on it.

If you enjoy it, please share it with others.

Here’s the link:     (Selznick Podcast Interview)

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Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

 

 

Remember the Child’s Primary Motivation

Understanding what children want can bring about a major shift in your thinking. If you embrace this concept, I predict your perceptions will change for the better, which then will impact your child.

So, what is your child’s primary motivation?

At the root of most of their challenging behavior, children are pleasure seekers.  Put simply, they want what they want, when they want it.

This isn’t fundamentally different from what adults want. We’re all pleasure seekers at heart. But the big difference between adults and children is that adults have learned to delay gratification and to put aside pleasure, at least theoretically.

Often parents will seek a range of psychological explanations for a child’s behavior.

While there certainly may be certain psychological and/or neurological bases for a child’s behavior, often there are simpler explanations.

Children are pleasure seekers and will do what they can to obtain it.

Yesterday, for example, in a local library there was a mother and her two small children standing in front of a snack machine.

The little girl, perhaps four-years-old, was having a major meltdown.

Why?  The mother wasn’t giving her what she immediately demanded.  Banging on the snack machine left the mother frazzled, as she desperately tried to appease her daughter, but not to her daughter’s satisfaction.

For an experiment, try seeing the behavior through the pleasure-seeking lens and see what happens (to you).

I predict that your behavior will change!

(Adapted from “Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids,” Richard Selznick, Ph.D. 2023)

“And Now, For a Change of Pace”

My marketing manager (my daughter Julia) has been pushing me to create more short videos to spread around.

So, as a change of pace here are two that were posted to YouTube.  TRUST ME.  THEY ARE VERY SHORT!!!!  Hope you enjoy.  Let me know what you think.

The first one was posted a little while ago.  It’s a brief introduction to the purpose of these videos:

1. Introduction: Selznick Video Productions!

The second is adapted from my new book, “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide For Parents of Challenging Kids.”  It’s one of my favorite tips.

2. Challenging Children? Have a Mantra.


Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

Turning Down the Parental Heat

Parents do various back flips to address meltdowns and school avoidance.

Mostly,  parental responses are reactive, delivered in the heat of the moment (e.g., “That’s it!!!  You’re not allowed on your iPad for the next two weeks,” after the child has rolled around on the floor,  not completing another homework assignment.)

I think of parent yelling as a “go-to” strategy.  (“Hey, we were yelled at as kids, so why not keep up the family tradition.”)

The thing about yelling is it largely doesn’t work.

When was the last time your child said after your yelling, “You’re right mom.  I need to take more responsibility for myself.”

Let’s take Sam, an 8 year old child who has a “soup pot” of different issues, frequently melting down over his homework.  “I hate writing,”  Sam screams.  “It’s so stupid…why do I have to do this ????!!!!! (while throwing his papers around in a full-blown rage).”

Based on a strategy we discussed, his mom, Beth, decides not to engage him with yelling, pecking or biting the bait,  as every time she does any of these they only serve to increase his raging meltdowns.

Instead, while Sam pulled out every reaction, trying to get out of doing his homework, Beth  just went about her business – zero reaction..

After about 10 minutes or so of being left alone at the dining room table with no input from his mother, Sam started to calm down, still sniveling and whimpering some, but no longer raging.

At some point when the whimpering had subsided, Beth spoke to Sam in very matter-of-fact tones, “Look, Sam,  I get it.  Writing is not fun and it’s hard for you and you get frustrated.  But, here’s the deal, even though you’re angry and frustrated,  you still need to finish your homework without banging on the table or rolling on the floor.  I can offer you some help, but there’s no screen time until you’re finished.  Let me know if you need any help.”

It may take time, but when left on their own to work it out, most of the Sam types will work through their anger  and come around when handled calmly and directly without threats.

Effectively, it’s Sam’s choice.  It’s up to him to decide.


Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

The Baby is Birthed!!!

I am excited to let you know that the new baby, “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids,” has been officially birthed!!!

After endless doing, redoing, tweaking, feeling frustrated with it, filing it away, bringing it back out again, I am excited to let you know that the baby has been officially and is now available.

To get the book, check it out on Sentient Publication’s website:   SENTIENT PUBLICATIONS.

You can also get it on Amazon or Barnes & Nobles:

Amazon:  AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE

Barnes & Noble:  BARNES & NOBLE

If you do get the book , I would appreciate your leaving a review..  (The reviews don’t need to be long.)


WORKSHOPS & Q & A CHATS If you’re a parent (or a grandparent)  who is interested in setting up an online talk/chat, please reach out to  others who may be interested so we can set something up.  Please email me at shutdownlearer1@gmail.com to discuss getting something off the ground

SOCIAL MEDIA: Behind the scenes we’ve been ramping up our social media presence, with fun videos, tidbit tips and other stuff:

Check out:

(Hover cursor over each link to activate.)

INSTAGRAMINSTAGRAMSELZNICK

FACEBOOK:    FACEBOOK SELZNICK – SHUTDOWN LEARNER PAGE

LINKEDIN:  LINKEDIN – SELZNICK

X (formerly TWITTER):    SELZNICK ON ‘X’

YOUTUBE:   YOUTUBE – SELZNICK


Enjoy the holidays – Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all who celebrate.

Thanks for your support and being a follower of this blog.

See you in 2024.

 

Amelia Ignores Her Mom

Eight-year-old Amelia goes about her day mostly ignoring her mom, Andrea.

While Andrea tries to get Amelia to comply,  she largely talks to her in an insecure and hesitant voice, with words that do not get Amelia’s attention.  (“Now, come on Amelia, how about we start cleaning up?”).

Unfortunately, Andrea’s voice and language do not convey an expectation or belief that she thinks Amelia will comply.

The result is that Amelia tunes her out entirely.

To a child like Amelia, Andrea’s weak attempts to get her to do what she asks are like nails on a chalkboard, and she becomes annoyed by her mother’s ineffective requests.

Internally sneering at her mom’s weakness, Amelia dismisses and neglects her mother and any requests made.

As this dance between them continues, Andrea becomes increasingly irritated, and it begins to show.

After feeling completely dismissed, ignored, and disrespected, Andrea yells in rage, “Damn it, Amelia! I asked you to clean up. I’m sick of this. Why can’t you just listen the first time?”

Afraid of losing control even further, Andrea starts to angrily put away the toys while Amelia stands idly by.

After some time and seeing how angry her mother is, Amelia begins a halfhearted attempt to put away one toy at a time while her mother does 98% of the work.

This enrages Andrea even more.

What makes Andrea still angrier is that while Amelia slowly puts things away, her body becomes limp in a “guava jelly-like” state of noncompliance.

As she goes into this posture, it almost appears as if she lacks the musculoskeletal capacity to put the things away, even though twenty minutes ago she had energetically scattered them all around the room.

When the evening finally draws to a close, Andrea faces another ritual that she dreads—the nightly argument between her and her husband over Amelia’s behavior.

The negative feelings associated with this marital conflict then add even more fuel to her anger and frustration the next time that Amelia ignores her.


Excerpt from:  Preventing the Power Struggle:  A Guide for Parents of Challenging Children, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. (Sentient Publications)

“Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids”

Exciting News!!!!!

Over the next few weeks, my latest book, “Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide For Parents of Challenging Kids” is scheduled to be released.

If you are a beleaguered parent or know a beleaguered parent, you might want to get a copy.

Here’s a link to the the full cover with the  endorsements:

(Click Here)Beyond The Power Struggle 2023

Please spread the word and share.

“Beyond the Power Struggle” (Structure & Leverage)

As noted in the previous blog, with children showing challenging behaviors causing you tremendous stress, you were encouraged to adopt a mantra helping you remain in  your center, as you speak one “Didja” (e.g., “Didja you do your homework?”) after another.

The mantra  (“They need structure; I need leverage.”) is meant to keep things simple.

Of course, each child and family situation are different, but from what I can tell the leverage with modern kids really comes down to one thing – their screen usage.

Screen access (in whatever form) is the ruling passion, therefore it’s your leverage.

As I note in my soon to be released new book (yay!!!), “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids,”  without resorting to punishment you are encouraged to look at your child’s landscape of what they take for granted.

By about nine or ten or so, most kids have easy access to gaming systems, iPads, and many have their own phones.

For those children who are not sustaining mental effort, showing poor time management, ask yourself have they really earned the right to all of those screen distractions.  Are they really supporting your child’s “executive function deficits?”

While they gorge on Fortnite, TikTok or YouTube, and while you are exhausted trying to get your child to complete schoolwork or to do some reading  do you feel that things are out of whack?

My guess is the answer is a resounding, “Yes.”

Look at the family landscape.  What’s the structure?    Is it all one sided toward the child receiving pure pleasure while they give little in return?

Keep repeating, “They need structure! I need leverage.”


Feel free to make comment below.  To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email – rselznick615@gmail.com

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

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