Parenting Misc

“Beyond the Power Struggle” (Structure & Leverage)

by | Nov 17, 2023 | , , ,

As noted in the previous blog, with children showing challenging behaviors causing you tremendous stress, you were encouraged to adopt a mantra helping you remain in  your center, as you speak one “Didja” (e.g., “Didja you do your homework?”) after another.

The mantra  (“They need structure; I need leverage.”) is meant to keep things simple.

Of course, each child and family situation are different, but from what I can tell the leverage with modern kids really comes down to one thing – their screen usage.

Screen access (in whatever form) is the ruling passion, therefore it’s your leverage.

As I note in my soon to be released new book (yay!!!), “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids,”  without resorting to punishment you are encouraged to look at your child’s landscape of what they take for granted.

By about nine or ten or so, most kids have easy access to gaming systems, iPads, and many have their own phones.

For those children who are not sustaining mental effort, showing poor time management, ask yourself have they really earned the right to all of those screen distractions.  Are they really supporting your child’s “executive function deficits?”

While they gorge on Fortnite, TikTok or YouTube, and while you are exhausted trying to get your child to complete schoolwork or to do some reading  do you feel that things are out of whack?

My guess is the answer is a resounding, “Yes.”

Look at the family landscape.  What’s the structure?    Is it all one sided toward the child receiving pure pleasure while they give little in return?

Keep repeating, “They need structure! I need leverage.”

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Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

“Boy, You’re in Hot Water”

by | Aug 18, 2023 | , ,

Recently, 8-year-old Marty showed some signs of misbehavior when his mom exclaimed, “Boy, you’re in hot water now.”

Marty started having a meltdown, screaming and crying, “I don’t want to be in hot water!!!!!!!  I  It will hurt me!!!”

Seven-year-old Marissa became upset after her mom told her that her dad was not going to be home for dinner because he was, “tied up in traffic.”  “Why are they tying him up,” Marissa cried? “What did he do?  Who’s tying him up???”

When Walter started to get frustrated with his math assignment, his dad told him, “Oh, come on Walter, it’s a piece of cake.”  Walter looked at his father like he had lost his mind, saying his math work was a piece of cake.  What did he mean by that?

Georgette came home from school upset that children were making fun of her on the school bus.  “OK, Georgette, tell me about it.  I’m all ears.”  Horrified, Georgette started picturing her mother growing ears on her head, which then shut the conversation down.  Her mother was simply too weird to talk to her about anything.

Freely interspersed within our everyday language, we sprinkle different expressions and other figurative language such as similes and metaphors.  Such language can be quite lively and descriptive.

For many children, though, they don’t readily translate and they have no idea what’s being said leading to a form of communication breakdown.

What’s the solution? It’s not to stop using them.

One answer is that you make sure you are aware of your usage with such language. If your child’s eyes start to glaze over in confusion, then back up and ask, “Do you know what that means?”  If not, then clarify.

Takeaway Point

Make no assumptions about figurative language.  Many children will have no idea what different expressions, similes and metaphors mean.

Use the opportunity for enhancing your child’s language facility.

Don’t miss that boat!

Strike while the iron is hot!

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To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email – rselznick615@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

“‘Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’t it)'”

by | Jul 7, 2023 | ,

Picking up on last week’s theme with Marla where we talked about her “anger issues (“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues’”), there were other interactions with the world telling a similar story.

A day or so ago, I was with our dog, Ella, in a pet store. Ella was on a pretty tight leash.

The same could not be said about the two children (probably age three and five) who surprised Ella (and me) from behind, wildly squeaking toys at her.

Worried about how Ella might react to the children surprising her, I firmly told the children to not get so close, while their mom stood idly by watching, but doing nothing.

The children seemed taken aback that I wasn’t applauding their antics.  The mom looked quizzical that there were boundaries being set. (It was like her internal computer programming was locked up with the concept of limiting her children – “This does not compute…This does not compute.”)

Thankfully, Ella was probably the most mature creature in the place (including me) and didn’t react.

Most interactions like this tell a larger story.  It doesn’t take much to reveal an underlying philosophy.  Usually, one picture tells many or in the wisdom that you may remember from the famous song by  Rod Stewart and the Faces, “Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’ it).”

It certainly did in this case.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues'”

by | Jun 30, 2023 | ,

One of my favorite kids, Marla, age 6, came in to see me.

Nearly six and going into first grade in the fall, I had tracked Marla since she was three. As the mental health professionals like to call it, Marla’s had issues with, “behavioral self-regulation.”

Marla’s difficulty with “behavioral self-regulation” usually appeared as her having difficulty keeping her hands to herself and frequently melting down when things were not going her way.

Marla came in to chat about summer camp, which was just starting.  Marla tells me that there is a counselor in her bunk who was assigned to her specifically “because of my anger issues.”

Marla’s frank statement of her “anger issues’ pulled me back a bit and I raised an inquisitive eyebrow and asked her, “Oh, yeah.  What are your anger issues?”

With a sly smile, she says very little and shrugs.

I encourage her to draw me her anger issues.  While Marla loves drawing, there was not much content that illustrated her anger issues.  I compliment her on the drawing.

I am not dismissing the idea that young kids like Marla can have “anger issues,” but there are a considerable percentage of kids who may not have anger issues, though it looks like it in how they behave and interact.

My interpretation of Marla’s “anger issues” was simple.

When she does not get what she wants Marla gets angry.  There was a small word that frequently results in Marla reacting poorly.   In short, Marla struggles with “no” and it makes her angry.

Too often, children like Marla are quickly diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication before understanding their difficulty coping with something like  the “no” word.

In Marla’s case a lot of work focused on both Marla and the way her parents managed her challenging behavior.

Over time Marla incrementally started to face reality that it wasn’t always going to go her way and that, yes, there is a no and you have to deal with it.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“‘What’s the Matter With Kids Today?'”

by | Apr 7, 2023 | ,

“The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think nothing but of themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.”  (Peter the Hermit, circa 1250)

Well, since he was a hermit, perhaps he wasn’t tuned in to the leading technology of the day, so what did he know.

Many centuries before Peter, Hesiod also despaired about the future and the state of youth at the time:

“I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous young people of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words.  When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful) and impatient of restraint.” (Hesiod, 8th Century, BCE).

A few hundred years after Hesiod, Socrates, as quoted by Plato, started to document ADHD in the classroom and the challenges that the beleaguered teachers faced.

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; and they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, and are not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”  (Socrates,  circa 870 BCE)

(Man, can you imagine if those hooligans in Socrates’ time had iPhones!!!!!!)

Plato built on Socrates and started his own documenting of oppositional defiant disorders and conduct disorder.

“What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders. They disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying.  What is to become of them?” (Plato)

Takeaway Point

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“Theories & Hypotheses”

by | Mar 5, 2023 | ,

When you are a parent in struggling “Child Land,” there are all kinds of theories, hypotheses and explanations as to why children do what they do.

These hypotheses are revealed in statements made as to what is behind the child acting a certain way.

Let’s listen to some recent statements:

“Marla’s so unmotivated.  She just wants to do nothing.  It must be the medication wearing off.”

“My daughter is refusing to do her work –  we thought the Lexipro was working.”

“My son, marches to the beat of his own drummer –  he’s more of a creative type. Rules just aren’t his thing.”

And the beat goes on.

Things often not stated:

“I know my kid is manipulating us when he avoids his homework to go play video games.”

“Maybe the school is not the problem as to why she’s acting the way she is.”

“It’s not ok to say whatever you want in the class, even if you don’t like the work.”

“No one wants to invite Zach to their house or a birthday party; he never shares with the other kids and he has alienated them.”

What to do?

One step is to help kids recognize that choices made have built-in (natural) consequences.  (“If you don’t share, others will not want to play with you.  It’s that simple.”)

If we buffer kids from natural consequences, there will be no reason for them to learn from their mistakes and try a different approach.

 Takeaway Point

Double check your hypotheses and theories.

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Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“‘What’s Your Mom Gut?'”

by | Feb 24, 2023 | ,

As part of the assessment process, I always conduct an interview (usually with the mom) to get an overview of the issues of concern.

Typically, there will be multiple disorders that have been raised by other professionals along with the parent diagnosing by Google.

A mom recently said something like the following:

“When I asked about dyslexia, the teachers raised the question of either dysgraphia or dyscalculia.”

“Phonological awareness/auditory processing disorder was raised by another.”

“My sister thinks he has an oppositional defiant disorder and is sure that there is an attention deficit disorder.”

“My therapist raised the issue of an emotional dysregulation disorder.”

“My husband thinks he is spoiled and just needs more discipline.”

At some point when I feel my eyeballs snapping as they often do when I am in the midst of “disorder speak,” I try and cut through it with a simple question:

“Without any psychological explanation, what’s your mom gut?”

Since no one’s asked the mom this question before, typically there is  a moment of being slightly surprised that someone wants her opinion stated in this way.

“Well, I think he has a reading problem and he hates doing it, because it embarrasses him.  He will do anything to get out of it.”

“Sounds pretty on point to me,” I respond.

Takeaway Point

I have learned to trust “mom gut” over the years.

About 99% of the time they are on the money.

(The dads are another story.)

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Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“In the Restaurant”

by | Feb 17, 2023 | ,

A favorite pastime of mine is  watching how parents and their children interact.  There’s never a shortage of blog material.  For people watching, there’s not much better than cafes and casual restaurants where families tend to congregate.

This week I hit a bonanza minding my business (mostly) reading a book while having dinner in a local restaurant.

The bonanza was the family of four that sat next to me maybe three feet away.

There was an older sister about 12 and her younger brother perhaps 9 years old.  The parents looked to be  in their upper 30’s to low 40s.

What caught my attention was the non-conversation that took place.

Glued to their phones it did not look like the kids said one word to each other or to their parents.

At some point, I thought the mom looked a bit exasperated, particular with her daughter.

My sense was the mom was trying to get the girl off her phone, but the curly lip sneer she got back basically shut down any attempt by the mom to engage.  (The dad was no help, looking helpless and ineffective as he watched his wife try and get the daughter off  her phone.  I think they had already given up on the son.)

Dinner arrived interrupting this non-interaction for about 10 minutes while the children plowed through their food as rapidly as possible to get back on their phones.  As far as I could tell not a sentence was spoken in any direction, although the mom looked annoyed as she seemed to be trying to light a fire under the father but to no avail.

My guess is that on Facebook or Instagram they are presented as the model family with everyone liking and thumbs upping their birthday, holiday and vacation pictures.

Well, they certainly were entertaining, but probably not in the way they might have thought.

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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Sitting at the Poker Table

by | Feb 10, 2023 | ,

Parents tell me stories.

I listen for the wording and try and picture what’s being told, that is, who is doing what and how the interaction takes place

Just like playing poker, there are often certain “tells,” minor clues that reveal the larger the picture.

Listen to Marianne talk about the story of the nightly homework ritual with 9-year-old Felicia.

(As Marianne starts the story, Felicia sits grumpily next to her unhappy that she has no access to her cell phone.)

“Well, we usually start our homework around 7.  If we do a good job, then there’s about 45 minutes or so of iPad playing and then it’s time for us to go to bed. In the morning we get ready for school.”

(Felicia rolls her eyes throughout.)

The “tells” suggest that the mom is in too deep.  Is it her homework or Felcia’s?  Does she go to bed with Felcia?  Do they get dressed together and brush each other’s teeth?

Give or take, past the age of five or so most kids can handle things that are given to them at their appropriate level.

Takeaway Point

Double-check yourself the next time you we “start to do our homework.”

You don’t want to be giving away your money at the poker table.

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“A Few New Disorders”

by | Nov 10, 2022 |

This week we turn our sights to a few disorders that may make it into the diagnostic manual upon its revision.

The first is one  that I know I have very badly.  It’s being called “PBD,” or “Pushback Disorder.”  PBD usually manifests when parents come in with theory upon theory as to why something is taking place.

Snippets of conversation reveal PBD.

Parent:  “My child has ‘ADHD,'” so that explains why he was rude to the teacher.”

Rapidly my PBD comes out – “How do you know the child has ADHD and that’s the root of the rudeness?”

The parent then talks about the pediatrician diagnosing the child based on the Vanderbilt Scales and my PBD goes into high gear.  “What about the reading skills?  Anxiety?  Social relationships?  Shouldn’t these and other things be considered before concluding ADHD is the entire story?”

The second disorder is one that is showing up in my office a great deal – IWWIWD (i.e., “I Want What I Want Disorder”).  IWWIWD shows up when the child has a meltdown over something that they don’t want to do, like get off their iPads or phones and start their homework.  IWWID is very challenging for parents to manage and often gets misdiagnosed as ADHD.

The final disorder that I hope makes the cut in the new manual is called NBD or “No Backbone Disorder.”   Sometimes referred to as “Gumby Disorder,” it is revealed when parents ask the child permission to do something like get ready for bed, but not stated  with any clarity or confidence.   Language is very revealing of NBD, such as when the parent hesitantly asks the child,  “Hey, bud, isn’t it time we got off our phone and got ready for bed?  (While fully expecting a full-blown fit from the child who continues playing Roblox on the phone.)

It is important to recognize how these disorders interact with each other and can increase in magnitude.  So a bad case of NBD coupled with a child who is showing IWWIWD can lead to lots of school and home issues that often land you in a psychologist’s office.

Just make sure you have the stomach to deal with a psychologist who has a bad case of PBD.

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

 

 

 

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