Parenting Misc

ANGER: “YOU CAN’T MAKE ME”

by | Dec 29, 2010 |

What do these behaviors sound like to you?
o    Not handing in homework consistently
o    Avoiding responsibilities
o    Procrastinating
o    Not sustaining mental effort
o    Underachieving (by everyone’s estimation)

I bet you are thinking something like ADHD of the inattentive variety or some form of executive function deficiency.  I know when parents bring their kids in with these behaviors, that’s what I am usually thinking.

Something that nags at me though is the question of anger and whether the child is exhibiting good old fashioned “passive aggressiveness.”

When children are not compliant, especially with meeting school expectations, parents frequently implement a series of punishments –   “You’re grounded…You’re finished with video games for a month…You’re off the team, etc.” sprinkled with a heavy dose of yelling, ranting and haranguing.

How does the kid react to these?  Does he go to his room and think, “You know, my parents are right?  I’ll get all my work done, so I can go see my friends again.” I doubt it.

More likely, is the following thought process:

“My parents are such jerks.  Their stupid punishments won’t work.  They think they are so smart.  I’ll show them. F – them.” 

That position can be very powerful. 

Ask yourself, are your punishments reaching their desired goal?

One approach that may work if you think your child may be in such an angry state would be to take a few educated guesses: 

“You think I’m being too hard on you, huh?”
“I bet you you’re real angry with me now, right?”
“You think I’m over-controlling, right?”

When there are no other distractions around (especially other siblings), try one or two of these. Perhaps in the car when it’s just you and your child it would be a good time to give it a shot.  You don’t have to agree with what comes out, but listening can have powerful effects.  Releasing some of the anger may lead to less of a desire to “stick it to you” and a perception that both of you are on the same, not opposing teams.
 

Are You a “Curling Parent?”

by | May 27, 2010 |

Overprotective parents, or 'curling parents,' sweep away everything in their child's path.

Many of you who watched the last Winter Olympics became captivated by the curious sport of Curling. In it, players slide a stone across a sheet of ice towards a target area. Probably the oddest-looking aspect of the sport are the “Sweepers.” It’s their job to sweep ahead of the stone to reduce friction and allow the stone to travel further and stay straighter.

Danish psychologist Bent Hougaard coined the term “Curling Parents” to refer to those parents who insist on sweeping everything that may get in the way of their child, their own polished stone.  Such parents are excessive hoverers. They continually make sure that nothing is interfering with or negatively affecting their child.  They are always sweeping.

Another term that even the colleges are referring to with increased frequency are “Lawnmower Parents.” Like the Curlers, the Lawnmower Parents look to smooth down and mow over all obstacles that could be in the young person’s path. Such parents may attempt to call the college professors about their child receiving an unsatisfactory grade. Lawnmower parents have even been reported to interfere with the salary negotiations once the child becomes an adult.

Modern parenting has countered what it believes to be the sins of the previous generation’s parenting style.

Have we placed the pendulum too far on the other side? Are we accommodating, modifying, smoothing and making nice to the child’s detriment?

It would certainly seem that a bit of “dusting oneself off” (to borrow a dated term from another generation) and getting back in the game may be of great value to most kids as a life’s lesson.

PARENTS! YOU’RE OFF THE HOOK (sort of)!!!!!

by | Feb 20, 2010 |

We recently talked about rigid, inflexible and difficult Marissa, age 7 (bit.ly/a7ZFoQ).  For the next few blogs, I thought we’d stay on this theme and explore the topic of difficult children a bit more.   Over the years so many parents have come to talk to me about children like Marissa who are holding their family hostage as a result of their behavior.

There are some who believe that these kids need a “heavy handed” approach.  My secretary, nostalgic for the good old days used to say, “Don’t you think they just need a good smacking?”

Well, many a parent has tried smacking a child like Marissa when she goes into one of her wild, melt-down states. What did it accompish?  Most parents do not resort to smacking anymore.  They’ve evolved from the sins of previous generations.  Replacing smacking, yelling and screaming are now the favored modes of parenting.

When was the last time you felt that yelling really made the situation with your difficult child better?  No child that I know has ever turned to her parents saying something like, “Thanks mom and dad for all that screaming – I get it now!”

A first big step toward change (increasing the child’s flexibility and reducing the number of meltdowns) is to embrace a few notions about these rigid, inflexible and difficult  children,  the ones who go “against the grain” at all times.                

1)    These children are temperamentally wired for poor coping.  It was not parenting.  You did not create this situation.  If it was parenting, then Marissa’s siblings would also be melting down. These siblings do not show this behavior.  They are flexible and easy-going.
2)    The inflexible kids have a fundamental skill deficit in terms of their characteristic style of problem-solving.  It is this lack of skill that results in their rigid style of responding 
3)    No amount of yelling, screaming (or smacking) will help.  In fact, these will make matters worse. 

Once you embrace these notions, then things can change!  Guess where the change point is going to be focused?  One hint.  It’s not on the child, at least not initially.

Even though I firmly believe in point #1, that you did not create the situation, it’s the adults that can reflect on how they are managing these challenging issues and make changes by responding differently. 

So, parents, you are off the hook (sort of).  Stop blaming yourselves and start looking to how you can change your way of dealing with the child (see next blog post)!!!!!

Tags:  Challenging children, Oppositional behavior,  Learning disabilities, Parenting

OPPOSITE CHILDREN: RIGID, INFLEXIBLE & DIFFICULT

by | Feb 12, 2010 |

In many households there are children causing great distress who are temperamentally, rigid and inflexible. These kids have poor coping skills and become quite volatile if something does not go their way.

John and Mary Ellen are the bleary-eyed parents of three children. The oldest two, ages 11 and 9 are pretty easy-going. For example, when their parents ask them to get ready for bed, the children put up the usual fuss, but before long, they are in bed being read stories. Essentially, the oldest two go along with the program.

Not young Marissa.

Marissa, age 7, almost always goes against the grain. If the family is going in one direction, she wants to go the opposite way. If the family chooses to go to McDonalds, she wants Burger King. If the family wants to play a board game, she wants to watch TV. When she is not given her way or when she encounters even the slightest frustration, Marissa wreaks havoc in the family. Intense melt-downs are almost a daily occurrence.

Two recent stories illustrate why her parents are so bleary-eyed and how challenging Marissa can be:

The other night while John was helping Marissa with her homework, she insisted on writing a capital "L" in the middle of a word even if a capita letter was inappropriate, such as in the word "fiLm." Of course, her father tried to correct her. Refusing the correction, Marissa became extremely agitated, screaming and crying when her father insisted that she change the letter. It was a completely out of control scene that lasted about 45 minutes.

In the second scenario, Marissa, was used to the routine of being picked up after school and taken home. Once home, she counted on having a hot chocolate and watching "Sponge Bob." One afternoon upon being picked up at school, Marissa’s mother informed her that they couldn’t go home right away because they had to go pick their dog up at the groomers. Marissa screamed in a fit of rage, "BUT I’LL MISS SPONGE BOB!"" When Marissa was told by her mother that they had no choice and had to get the dog, Marissa became like a caged animal. Wildly ripping through the grocery bags in the back seat and throwing all the items around in a fit of uncontrollable rage, it took 15 minutes before Marissa even started to calm down.

I know it begs the question of how do we fix the problem? I don’t know if these children can be "fixed," but there is much to consider in terms of the management of their behavior.

There will be more to come on this topic in future blogs.

 

 

 

Tags: Difficult Children, Difficult Temperaments, Parenting

“Thanks for Yelling, Mom! I see the Light!”

by | Aug 11, 2009 |

Recently, we talked about the notion that a child should be doing his or her homework in a more public area of the house, rather than the child’s bedroom.  Let’s discuss the tone of the homework activity and how you might manage it as a parent.

It would be interesting if we could take a psychological temperature reading across the country while homework is being conducted, typically from four to eight o’clock at night. My sense is that in many households the temperature would be rising steadily with every hour of mounting homework frustration.

If we could peek into these households, we would probably see increased tension with a great deal of irritability and yelling.

Kids avoid and procrastinate what they don’t enjoy doing (most people do).   Their avoidance and procrastination, results in tremendous family frustration.  Emotional reactivity (yelling) becomes the norm.

When was the last time that you felt your yelling reached its desired goal? When did the child say, “Well, mom thanks for yelling, I really appreciate it and I will start to do my homework.”

I think I know the answer. Yelling rarely reaches its desired goal.

I know that it begs the question, what then?

This is a challenging and complex topic that does not lend itself to simple answers.

Remember, you set the tone.   Assume that by leading in a calm, but firm way, the child will follow your lead.  This may not happen immediately, but over time by setting the tone and setting the parameters your children will understand what is expected and follow your direction much more so.

Here’s an example of a clear directive (said calmly, but clearly) a parent recently said to her 10 year old child who had a history of dawdling, crying and doing anything to avoid getting started and completing his homework:

“This is how homework is going to work tonight. I am setting this countdown clock for an hour and a half.  When it goes off, I assume your homework will be done.  If it is finished, everyone will be happy and you will have earned TV, computer/ video play time.  If not, then I will write a note to the teacher explaining you chose not to do your homework.  If it is not finished then you haven’t earned the TV or computer time.  You’ll let me know if you need my help.”

This mom did not get overly invested in the result.  She did not make homework her concern, but made it her child’s concern.  To some of you, this statement may sound cold, a bit too cut and dry.  By stating expectations clearly, though, in fairly objective, black and white tones, the mom gave the child a choice one way or another.

The key is not to get upset if things don’t go the way you hoped.  Ultimately, homework is the child’s problem even if you are available for support to help when needed.

Turn down the heat, but be clear in your goal and stated expectations.

Let’s try and have the temperature in America fall in the normal zone during homework.

Key words:  Struggling children, Homework problems, Learning Disabilities.

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