Parenting Misc

During these difficult times and the uncharted waters that we find ourselves, there are endless streams of articles on what to do with your children to help them through. So, why not throw our hat in the ring.

Claiming no particular expertise on children and pandemics, we look to the sage advice of the old masters. Years ago, there was a question on the then popular game, Trivial Pursuit (I know I am dating myself badly here). The question was something like, “What was Dr. Benjamin Spock’s (the famed pediatrician) main advice for parents about raising children?”

The answer that he purportedly said was, “Feed ‘em, love ‘em and leave ‘em alone.”

In other words, even though there will be a tendency to try and control things with children, the best approach is to let them be, let them find their own way.

Does this wisdom apply during this current crisis?

I think now more than ever.

(Funny, I wrote this blog early Thursday. Later in the evening I read this op-ed piece in the NY Times, where a mom wrote essentially the same thing, reflecting on what she should be doing with her kids at home: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/19/opinion/coronavirus-home-school.html?referringSource=articleShare )

Of course, playing family games, like old school board games (if anyone plays them anymore), would be encouraged, but you have to make it fun and lively, not like it’s a chore for them to do. Maybe they are more interested in the current video games like Dota 2, Minecraft, Call of Duty, or anything else. Consequently, it could be smart to invest in a dota 2 mmr boosting service or similar options for them rather than forcing them to spend time playing old board games.

Honestly, board games were more fun and less violent than these new-generation games, and a few developers are trying to revitalize old games on online platforms. In the same way, now you can play Catan online with your family, which is very similar to a board game called Settlers of Catan. Well, you can’t deny that old is gold!

I know that some schools are setting up Google classroom and other such stuff, so they have to meet their basic requirements. Some families may also be looking online to see if there are any Xfinity internet deals, or deals with other providers, to see if they can get a better connection in anticipation of the increased usage that these times will no doubt bring. With the kids, my suggestion would be to set up the structure, that is the schedule, let them know the basic rules and then “let ‘em alone.”

I would sit the kids down and talk to them in very plain language (adjusted to age and level of understanding) and say something like the following to them:

Listen up kids. We need to talk about something. You probably understand that we are all functioning very differently because of concerns with the coronavirus. We will do our best to answer any questions that you may have, but we are not experts and may not have ready answers. In terms of the day-to-day, here’s how it’s going to work. We’re not going to set up too many rules, but the big rule is that you log on to Google classroom and take care of whatever the school is asking you to do. That has to come first. If you need help with it, you ask.

Beyond that, you decide what you want to do. Video games and playing outside are fine. It’s your call. We would love to play some games with you – and we are even ready to learn how to play video games like League of Legends by checking out guides and resources on websites like mobachampion, as we want to make things as fun as possible. The only other thing that we are asking, is that you stay out of each other’s face. If you start fighting with each other, it’s not going to matter who started it. After one warning, if you keep it up, you’re both going to spend 20 minutes by yourselves in your rooms or in separate areas with no cell phones, iPads, or other electronics. That’s it.

Now, I don’t know if Dr. Spock (the pediatrician, not the Star Trek one) would fully approve, but I’d like to believe what I am recommending is in the spirit of “Feed ‘em, love ‘em, and leave ‘em alone.”

Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick. Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

(*** Please note: Dr. Richard Selznick is a psychologist, clinician and author of four books. His blog posts represent his opinions and perspectives based on his years of interacting with struggling children, parents and schools. He reminds readers that he is neither a scientist, nor a researcher. The advice in the blogs and in practice is governed by one overriding principle – “If this were my child, what would I do?” The goal of the blogs and the website is to provide you with straight-forward, down-to-earth, no-nonsense advice and perspective to help cut through all of the confusion that exists in the field.)

Let’s say you have one of those 14 year old boys who shows signs of what is now commonly being referred to as “executive function deficits,” or EFD.

You probably know some of the signs of EFD – poorly organized, poor planning, little task initiation, weak follow-through, and a lack of sustained mental effort, among other things.

Or as I like to explain to parents, “He’s got a floppy rudder – there’s little steering his boat.”

Parents, rightfully, struggle with their role relative to these kids, especially when they are moving into the middle and high school years when the stakes become more serious.

Let’s take George, a 14 year old young man who recently had a project that would probably take about 10 hours total from beginning to end in order to adequately complete.

Recounting how he managed the project, George explained (vaguely) how he spent his time starting with the weekend, going through to the time it was due on Wednesday.  As George stumbled through the retelling, his mom was sitting close by to offer a counterbalance to George’s telling.

“Well, I worked a little over the weekend,” George started. (To my ears I translated  that to mean George probably spent about 12 minutes on the project.)

“Come on, George,” his mom chimed in.   “You were on Xbox literally all weekend.  Maybe  you put 15 minutes into the project on the weekend.  It was not until Monday night that you put in about an hour before going back on Xbox while I ran around going to the store to get the materials you needed.”

(George shrugged and didn’t offer much defense.)

I  sit up somewhat incredulous, “So, wait.  Let me guess.  Come Tuesday night, you still had about 80% left and I bet your mom’s head was exploding.  Is that right?”

(Mom nods vigorously while George continues shrugging.)

I turn to the mom.  “Look, you’re not the lead actor in this play. George is in the lead. It’s George’s show.  Your role is to be a supporting actor – you play a supporting role.  As a supporting actor you can help structure it for him.  That’s about it.”

One of the things that the George types don’t know how to do (and they legitimately don’t have a clue), is how to break larger tasks down into smaller parts and put them in a task sequence that leads from beginning to end.

I have found the boys, especially the middle to high school boys, to be particularly bad at this skill of planning and task sequencing.

I suggest, “George, how about we play it back for a couple of minutes and let’s make believe you are about to start the project.  With your mom, let’s go through every step involved and make a list.”

They do that together in front of me and with a bit of prompting George comes up with about 10 steps – some small (make sure there’s paper in the printer) and some large (go to Staples and get project material).

George almost looks stunned as he sees how many steps are involved.

“George, I get it,” I say.   “Planning doesn’t come naturally to you and breaking tasks down is not something you do on your own.  How about going forward with your mom as a “supporting actor” for you she will help you break it down to make a task list, but it’s your show.  She will be about 10% or so involved.”

George shows the slightest sign that such an approach may be helpful while giving me one more shrug while mom looked like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Takeaway Point

Moms.  Repeat after me, “I am not the lead actor…I play a supporting role…it’s his show.  I’m not the lead actor.”

Say it as a mantra over and over.

Modern parenting is plagued by a bad case of the “Didja’s.”

You know.  While the content may vary somewhat, here is a sample of some common Didja’s:

• “Didja (i.e., “Did you”) start your homework?”
• “Didja finish your homework.
• “Didja put your stuff away?”
• “Didja brush your teeth.?
• “Didja take out the trash?
• “Didja get out of bed?”
• “Didja put your lunch in your book bag?”
• “Didja remember your equipment for practice today?”

On and on it goes.

Guess what’s happening inside the typical kid’s head while he’s being “Didja’d” to death?  That’s right, his eyeballs are snapping inside his head, while he mutters a range of not so pleasant statements, laced with largely unintelligible, but occasionally well-pointed curses leaking out.

Early on in my adolescence my bedroom (in a very small house),  shifted to the basement.  Effectively, it was my lair.  Within the lair, endless hours were spent listening to the Rolling Stones  (over and over) sprinkled with listening to some other lesser bands.  I shudder to think how many hours a day I devoted to this activity between ages 12 – 18 (and even older).  Truth be told, the hours were probably countless.

Even though we lived in a box of a house while I was blasting songs like “Sympathy for the Devil,”  and “Gimme Shelter,”  I don’t remember my parents coming into the lair to find out whether I had done my homework or put my stuff away. (Sadly for them they had to come down and do the laundry.)

If such a thing were available like it is today, maybe my parents would have marched me into a therapist office or some other such medical practitioner  bewildered at how addicted I was to the god-awful music being blasted in the basement while avoiding basic responsibilities. and displaying a shocking lack of “executive functioning.”  (“Doctor, all he can pay attention to is that God awful Mick Jagger.  Does he need medication?”)

But, guess what they did?

That’s right.  Nothing.

They probably kept shrugging their shoulders while looking at each other wondering if their son would ever snap out of it, but it was a largely a “hand’s off” style of parenting.

They never knew what I had for homework (and my dad was a school principal). I don’t remember ever getting bombarded by the “Didja’s.”

I think they believed it was my problem to deal with, not theirs.

You might say something like, “Well, you must have been an excellent student and therefore they didn’t need to hound you to death.”

Hardly.  Trust me, more than studying history or chemistry,  I studied the Rolling Stones.

Looking back on it, I think they were wise.  They knew they had this adolescent creature in the basement who was making his choices and the choices had consequences.  If you choose poorly there are consequences – you deal with it.

Modern parenting has a different philosophy embodied in the bad case of the “Didjas.

On average there is considerable anxiety resulting in  micromanaging virtually every aspect of the child’s day-to-day life.  This anxiety is driven by a deep fear to let the kid experience the consequences of his/her choices.

While the kid is snapping his eyeballs, the micromanaging ultimately fails.

To illustrate, let’s look at a common scenario. Say it’s a typical Saturday and the child has an English project due on Monday morning.  The modern parent will continually tell the kid to get off his video gaming/Youtubing with at least 20 – 25, “Didja start your English project?”  All the while while the kid ignores his mom snapping his eyeballs.

An alternative approach (way scary for most parents – moms) would be to leave the kid alone and come Monday morning just shrug as the kid goes off to school with his project not done, saying something like, “Oh, well.  Too bad you will get an F for that project.  It’s your problem. You deal with it.  (Said with a tone of very chilly anger which works wonders.)

Takeaway Point

Stop with the “Didja’s.”

Repeat the mantra.  “It’s your problem – you deal with it.”

Or as the Rolling Stones so wisely said, “Oh, the storm is threatening, my very life today.  If I don’t get some shelter, yeah, I’m gonna fade away.”  (Gimme Shelter, Mick Jagger/Keith Richards)

Copyright, 2019 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

Outrage is an emotion parents often feel when it comes to how they perceive their struggling child is ultimately handled/managed by the school.

Part of the outrage stems from a lack of understanding in terms of how the school operates when it comes to the issues of concern.

A parent may have sought an outside assessment by someone like a Dr. Selznick type, you know, a psychologist or other such professional, who has evaluated the child and indeed certified that the child does in fact have issues.

Perhaps this outside professional has even “diagnosed” the child with something like dyslexia, a learning disability, ADHD or some other such label or category.

Armed with the professional’s report, the parent expects the school to offer something like an IEP or perhaps a 504 Plan (they are very different).

Sometimes the school will offer a ready green light and comply with the recommendations offered in the report, but often the parent may get a yellow or even red light.

With the yellow and red lights, the “Outrage Quotient” (we’ll call it the “OQ”) rapidly rises.

It is important to understand the fundamental difference between an outside professional assessment and the school’s evaluation.

When an outside professional conducts an assessment, that practitioner’s primary responsibility is to answer – “Does my child have a problem and what should we do about it?”

That’s it.  That’s the primary job of the outside professional.

Frequently, in such an assessment the outside professional offers suggestions (recommendations) for the school, but again, the green, yellow or red light  follow depending on a range of different factors (too numerous to discuss now) at the school level.

Contrary to what parents believe a school assessment to be, these evaluations are governed by a different question than the one raised with the outside professional.

Different than the question of, “Does my child have a problem,” they have a totally different question behind their assessment.  Their central question is, “Is this child eligible for special education or not?”

Those are totally different questions.

Frustrating as that may be for parents to digest (yes I can feel the “OQ” rising), they are not asking the same question as the outside professional.

Listen to Kelli Sandman-Hurley in her wonderful book, “Dyslexia Advocate” discuss this issue:

“School districts do not diagnose anything.  They don’t diagnose ADHD, autism, dyslexia, nothing. It may seem as if they do because we tend to hear terms like ADHD and autism tossed around in meetings all the time, but they cannot diagnose those qualifying conditions either.  They can only determine eligibility under specific eligibility categories.“

Or as noted in my book, “What To Do about Dyslexia: 25 Points for Parents:”

“In my experience it is not only possible but very common for a child to be diagnosed as dyslexic by a non-school professional but then found to be ineligible for special education services.  This is the case because special education assessment has one primary purpose, and that is to determine whether child is eligible for special education through the school.”

Takeaway Point

While it may not be something that sits well with you, by reflecting on this difference of question behind the assessment, it may help to turn down the “OQ” just a notch.

Copyright, 2019 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

Every year I get older the kids stay roughly the same age.  So, when I was younger in the business the gap between the average 6 or 7 year old child and me was about 25 years.  Now…forget about it…you get the point.  The gap is hefty.

The reason I am mentioning an age gap is I am hearing more and more about kids having wild fits, excessive tantrums to the smallest bit of frustration and  I can’t help but wonder, “Is it me?”   Has it always been like this?   Did I have a higher tolerance for it when I was younger and now my nerves are more readily jangled by these stories or seeing them first hand?

I don’t think so.

My take is that things have changed, albeit incrementally over time, but like the frog who doesn’t know he is getting boiled in the pot as the heat rises a little at a time, he doesn’t notice the heat rising.

That’s what I think is happening to us with children – we are getting boiled by degrees.

We think it’s normal when a child throws herself on the ground, flailing away after being asked to clean off her dishes (when she wanted to be playing on her iPad instead).

Or the boy who slammed his fists down, running out screaming, “I hate your stupid guts” to his mother whose mother told him it was time to get off of Xbox and begin doing his homework.

Parents will seek guidance on how to handle such meltdowns.  In the back of their mind is the ever-present seed that typically gets planted regarding medication.  They will repeatedly hear from the school, “We’re not doctors, but maybe you should talk to your pediatrician or neurologist.”  (That is, get your child on medication.)

I often go in opposite directions (no surprise to anyone who has followed this blog for a while).

I believe parents need to practice a skill that seems easy on the surface, but in reality is very difficult to do – the skill of “matter-of-fact parenting (MOFP)”

With MOFP there are built-in, natural consequences to most situations.  Largely the consequences are not all that heavy-handed, yet they make their point.

For example, a child who is overly aggressive in the pool, is swiftly removed and given 10 minutes to sit quietly off to the side.  The parent must be vigilant, but each time there is a hint of aggression, the child is removed.  Not fun, but the training is worth it in the long run.

With matter-of fact parenting there are a few things taking place that I will list:

• The child knows before an event/situation the cost of breaking a rule or crossing a boundary.
• There is an objective tone that parents convey – it’s black or white. You do X then all is fine.  You do Y (the behavior of concern), then there is an immediate cost.
• There is little to no yelling or haranguing on the parents’ part.
• After the meltdown the child must do what was being asked.
• The parents are clear, vigilant and decisive.

Parents often believe that they are doing this type of  thing with their children more than the reality.

The reality usually is that the behaviors of concern are allowed to go on far too long and that there is a lot more yelling, haranguing and threatening from the parents.  The child senses the weakness, the wiggle room and goes in for the kill with the full blown meltdowns designed to do one thing – get him/her off the hook.

Kids will do anything to avoid pain.  For them melting down for ten minutes is better than the pain of starting  homework or cleaning off the dishes.

Takeaway Point

Start practicing Matter-of-Fact Parenting.  Lay out the choices an let the child make them.  If he/she chooses poorly, so be it.  There should be a natural, built in consequence that has impact.

Copyright, 2019 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

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Last week we revisited the notion that many parents embody “Gumby Parenting” (my term) as a way of interacting with their child and managing challenging behavior (I am a Gumby Parent).

Gumby Parenting leads to an array of child manipulations.

We talked about the cure for this style of parenting for parents to take the first step and “own it,” meaning they understand how they have become “Gumby parents,” with a repetition of the mantra – “I am a Gumby…Don’t be a Gumby.”

Taking an effective action is the next step.  Too often, this is confused by parents as yelling or some other type of excessive punishment, typically delivered in a highly reactive (angry) manner.

This is not what I mean by an “effective action.”

To be effective the child needs to take notice.  The action needs to feel uncomfortable to the child (I don’t mean physically, by the way), like there should be some type of internal reaction on the child’s part that goes something like, “Ugh.  This isn’t fun.  Mom really means business.  I really messed up.  I’d better change my ways.”

The action is situational.  That is, you have to determine what the effective action is for the given situation and the transgression on the child’s part.

For example, let’s say you’re at a birthday party and you see your child getting “rammy” (you know what I mean) and pushy with other children.  An ineffective action would be threatening something about his video games when you get home later in the day.    The threat of the video games has nothing to do with the situation at hand.

A much more effective action would be to march the child out to the car (after he’s had one warning)  and just sit there ignoring the child for about 10 minutes while he sits in the back seat with no screen, no nothing.  Do not lecture or talk to him while he sits there.  Your job is to be chilly and ignore the child even if he is whimpering and pleading.

At the end of the 10 minutes you ask the child if he is ready to return to the party by saying something like the following:

“Listen, Mason.  Your behavior in the party was horrible.  You are not allowed to push, hit or be grabby with the other kids.  If I see you doing these behaviors, we are going to return to the car again.  It’s up to you.  I’m sure, it’s not fun to spend the birthday party in the car.”

Let’s go to another scenario.  If it’s a home situation, then you have different leverage.  Most kids are thoroughly and completely connected to their screens (i.e., they are addicted to them), whether it is the phone, a game system or iPad.

If you don’t get basic cooperation, then Mason can have a very boring and quiet night.  That is he didn’t earn those privileges with the way he behaved at home.

Here’s a model for how to speak to Mason:

“Mason, I’m sorry but you have lost all of your screen privileges for the night.  You were rude to mommy and you refused to cooperatively do your work, even though we asked you to do so a number of times.  It is going to be a very boring and quiet night around here.  Maybe tomorrow you will figure it out.  If not it will be another boring night.  It’s your choice.”

Trust me.  Mason is sweating it out big time and wondering what happened to the screaming ranting mom who previously took no effective action in spite of her yelling.

This mom is different and Mason knows it right away.  She’s taken an effective action.

He may not be articulating it exactly this way, but he is saying something like this to himself, “Yeesh, this mommy has a backbone – she can’t be twisted around like Gumby mommy.”

Takeaway Point

You know how I feel about Gumby Parenting.

Now go practice taking effective actions.

On a weekly basis since 2009 I’ve tried to crank out a new blog post.  While I may have missed a week or two here and there, I think there are nearly 350 of posts on www.shutdownlearner.com, drawing inspiration from kids and families to help generate ideas.

Over the next few weeks I thought that it would be fun to dip into some of the major points from the blogs and the books as a way reminding you of keeping certain key concepts in mind.

Here’s one that is near and dear to my heart taken from the “Parenting Road” in “School Struggles:”

             “Gumby parenting can lead to many child behavior problems.  Having a clear and firm parenting style is usually the               most effective.  Watch out for being too soft, but also make sure you don’t become overly rigid.” (School Struggles)

Ah, yes. “Gumby parenting.”

For those of you who didn’t play with Gumby as a child (he may have become an emoji or something to the current generation), he was a popular toy, a rubber figure who was very flexible.

He had no backbone. You could twist him any way you wanted.

Gumby parenting (a term I made up) is a common style characterized by their kids who usually have great difficulty   with the“n-word,” (i.e. “no”).  It’s not a word that they are used to hearing and when it is heard they have bad reactions to try and get the parent to give them what they want.

This leads to “EWD” (Excessive Whining Disorder).  (Sadly, children with EWD are often quickly put on medication as a first line approach as it is easy for doctors to call these kids ADD or ADHD.)

Other tell-tale signs of Gumby Parenting include overuse of the word “amazing” when referring to their child and rarely asking their kids to do tasks around the house (what used to be called “chores”).  Effectively, the parents do all of the tasks, while the kid plays on a screen or watches YouTube.

As a next step if you think you may be a Gumby Parent (it’s hard to admit) try and own it.  Maybe start by saying something over and over to yourself like, “I am a Gumby parent…Don’t be a Gumby.   Don’t be a Gumby.”

Building on the mantra, reflect on the fact that it’s ok for your child to feel displeasure.  They don’t have to be happy while doing the chores or their homework, but non-Gumbys insist on good effort without whining and complaining.

The essence of being a non-Gumby is taking an effective action when the child is not behaving well.  Parents almost always translate that erroneously into punishment (and yelling), as in “that’s it!!!  You’re not playing video games for the next two weeks!!!!!!!!”

An effective action is something entirely different and we will build on that concept in the next week’s post.

Copyright, 2018 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

The Characters: Mom and dad of seven year old starting second grade after Dr. Selz has evaluated their seven year old child and reviewed some of the findings.

Setting – Sitting around a table somewhere in South Jersey.

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Parents: So, what do we do? Where do we go from here? What does he need?

Dr. Selz: Look, it’s not talked about very much as I’m going to explain it to you, but here’s how I see it. Your son is at a key time in his development. A lot of kids around him (especially the girls) are going to be reading chapter books. You need to get your kid over what I call “the decoding hurdle.” He’s not over that yet.

Parents: What’s that? What do you mean?

Dr. Selz: About 70 % of the kids going into second grade will soon be over the “decoding hurdle.” It’s a term I made up. If you are over the hurdle it means you can read and handle big words pretty easily, like – fabulous- pretend – porcupine – mechanic. For kids over the hurdle, reading those words is no big deal.

Parents: Well, we keep hearing that everything is comprehension and that if we just read to Oliver everything would be fine. We’ve been reading to Oliver since he was a baby.

Dr. Selz: It’s just erroneous information. That’s not the issue for him at the moment. In the testing, Oliver read a simple sentence, “On hot days we got together…” as, “On a hot day we got together.” That’s a small example, but the meaning is changed the way that he read it. His comprehension is altered and the meaning changed entirely. Not to mention the significant substitutions he made. For example, the text read, “We liked to pretend…” He read that as, “We liked to brend…” “Brend” has no meaning. How can Oliver comprehend? Oliver is struggling.

Parents: Well, does he have Dyslexia?

Dr. Selz: At this moment that is not the most important question. We’ve already identified what I call “red flags” of concern that suggest dyslexia, but let’s see how he does once we give him what he needs. Whether we call him “dyslexic” or not at the moment, there are specific things that you can be doing at home to help Oliver. Let’s see how he does when we give him, good sensible remediation – the right stuff.

Parents: What about medication? Would that do anything?

Dr. Selz: Let’s say your child was one of the weakest swimmers in his group and the swim teacher said, “You know what will do the trick? I think you should try medication.” Would that make any sense to you? Of course not. Swimming is a skill that can be taught, learned and practiced. So is reading. That’s what the focus should be.

In Conclusion:
Perhaps Oliver may be put on medication one day. Maybe he will be considered “dyslexic.” But for the moment as the parents leave they understand that their mission is to focus on getting Oliver over the “decoding hurdle,” and to watch the “red flags” closely.

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Copyright, 2018 www.shutdownlearner.com
Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – contact@shutdownlearner.com.
To receive free newsletter and updates, go to: www.shutdownlearner.com.

You’re muttering to yourself that you can’t believe the summer has gone by as quickly as it has. You wonder whether you’ve done enough of the traditional summer activities before it’s all gone.

And then there is the pit in the stomach. I know you’re feeling it.

The school year is starting again.

All the parenting magazines, websites, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter will be having all of the “Back to School Tips for Success” articles for having the best school year ever and you’ll soon start scratching your head wondering what planet these people are on with their cheery tips. Some of you might be new parents and looking at independent league tables to find the perfect school for your kid. Whatever stage of parenting you are going through, the back-to-school tips can be confusing.

I feel your pain.

Even though I’ve written this kind of thing before in different forms, I will try and give you my top tips. Something tells me you’re not going to see these tips in the magazines or social media:

Stay Calm: I know. It’s a lot easier said than done. Practice following your breath meditation, taking brisk walks around the neighborhood-anything to try and help you walk it back some when your child is pushing your buttons.

Responding to the Whining: Parents get excessive whining accompanying homework or any independent tasks that are given to the child. The refrain goes something like this while the child is rolling around on the floor, “I hate school. It’s so boring,” followed by a mild, moderate or severe tantrum. (Seemingly the only thing that can calm it down is access to some type of screen, such as and iPad, Xbox or cell phone, kind of like a version of a baby’s bottle calming the baby down when it’s crying.) While you are deep breathing and stay calm (Point #1) have a ready answer that you can repeat on a daily basis while you are shrugging your shoulders. It goes something like this, “You’re right. School isn’t fun. It never was. Homework is boring. It always was.” That’s it. That is your mantra.

Finding the Goldilock’s Point: For those of you who remember Goldilocks and the Three Bears (if not, Google it), Goldilocks taste-tested the bear’s soup to see if it was too hot, too cold, or just right. Parental homework involvement should be the process. If you’re in too deep, it’s too hot and your child will take advantage of you. If you’re not involved, too cold, especially if your child has a learning problem, he probably needs a bit more support than you are offering.

Finding that middle point where you are not in too hot or too cold, but just right is what we are looking for.

As a guideline, I like to tell parents to be 10% involved with the child’s academic work. Much more than that is probably too hot.

Remember, Screens are An Earned Privilege: Unless the child somehow is paying for the Internet, his cell phone and iPad, then access to these are all privileges. Keep asking yourself (on a daily basis) has your child earned the privilege. Too many children view their accessibility as a right – “I breathe therefore I get my Xbox.” You need to bring a better dose of reality to their brains. That is, “You give and you get.” It’s that simple. Don’t overcomplicate it. Lay out the rules as to how homework and other academic tasks will go. You are in charge of overseeing it. If there is good faith effort, then a nice green check can go in the calendar (get an old school calendar and put it on the wall, not an App or other such other such thing on your phone). You will convey to your child, if the green check goes on the calendar, then the evening is free play. Go enjoy yourself. If there is no green check on the calendar, then you have not earned screens and it’s going to be a very boring night.” No punishments. No yelling just clarity.

There it is. The Selznickian tips for a great school year.