Parenting Misc

Opposite & Challenging

by | May 30, 2025 | ,

In many households there are temperamentally rigid and inflexible children who cause a great deal of distress. With their limited coping skills, such children become quite volatile and reactive to frustration.

Jeff and Rose are the bleary eyed parents of three children.  Their older two, ages eleven and nine are  pretty flexible.  Essentially, they go along with the program and are able to handle the curveballs that are thrown at them.

Not young Sophia, age seven, who almost always goes against the grain.

If the family is going in one direction, she wants to go the opposite way. If the family wants to go to McDonald’s, she wants Burger King. If the family wants to play a board game, she wants to do something else.

Additionally, when Sophia encounters even the slightest frustration or when parents say “no” to something, she has major meltdowns.

Two recent stories illustrate why her parents are so bleary eyed.

The other night while Jeff was helping Sophia with her homework, she insisted on writing a capital L in the middle of the word, even if a capital letter was not appropriate, such as in the word “fiLm.”  Even though Jeff tried to correct her, Sophia refused the correction, becoming extremely agitated, screaming and crying when her father insisted that she change the letter in the word.

Another example was related to  a change in the afternoon routine. Sophia was very used to her routine of being picked up and going straight home after school, where she then enjoyed watching her favorite television show and having a hot chocolate.  This was the daily ritual.

But upon being picked up at school on a recent afternoon, Sophia’s mother informed her that they could not go home right away because they had to pick their dog up from the groomer. Sophia went ballistic, screaming and crying about missing her television show.

What to do? Sorry, there are no easy answers, but there are things to keep in mind.

Recognize that it is not all parenting and that there are children who are temperamentally rigid and inflexible.  In the case of Sophia, there were two children before her who were flexible and easy-going who were essentially raised the same way.

Another thing to be wary of,  is to not to readily fall to “disorder” thinking, as many practitioners will do.  It’s simply too easy to “diagnose” Sophia as “ADHD” after completing a rating scale at the doctor’s office.

Finally, as difficult as it might be, try and not add fuel to the fire by reacting emotionally to a situation.  Simple reactions given non-emotionally will let things play out.

With Sophia, a simple shrug and an “Oh, well” is better than yelling back at her or trying to offer rationale explanations about the dog at the groomer, or any other triggering situation.

Takeaway Point

No matter what you do, these kids ain’t easy!

Don’t Wait For School’s Blessings: Trust Your Gut

by | Feb 7, 2025 | ,

Anxiety over a child’s school-based problems can start very early.

After reading The Shut-Down Learner, a mom contacted me.  “My son’s drowning in in school.  Do you think he could be a shut-down learner,” she asked.

After asking a few more questions, I was struck by the fact that the child in question was only six in the beginning of first grade.

When I wrote the Shut-Down Learner I was largely envisioning a disconnected, shut-down adolescent.

However, as I gave more talks to parents, so many of the concerns raised involved young children, typically ages 5 – 9.

To help explain things to parents I created a formula:

Early Cracks in the Foundation + Time + Lack of Understanding + Widening cracks  = Shut Down Learner

So, while the child of concern may only be in beginning first grade there are cracks that can be identified.  Time goes by quickly and with a lack of understanding how to address them, they widen and the child becomes increasingly discouraged (i.e., shut-down).

Takeaway Point

Don’t wait for the school’s blessings or the doctor’s diagnosis. Trust your parent gut.  If you think there is something wrong, 99.9% of the time there is.

There’s no gain in waiting.  Do what you can to fill the cracks (e.g., tutoring, home activities targeting skills, etc.).

Venting My Spleen (Once Again)

by | Jan 30, 2025 | , , ,

Those of you following this blog for some time know there are some recurring themes in these posts.  Frequently, the blogs are my outlet for getting things off my chest that  frequently come up in my interactions with parents.

If you’re a relative newcomer, I will help to bring you up to speed with some of the predominant ones:

  1. The LD-Discrepancy Model: Easily the number one issue that gets under my skin is the LD-Discrepancy model used in many states (New Jersey being one) to classify children in special education as learning disabled.  I discussed it in a previous blog post   (LD Discrepancy Post) , but if if you need a primer on the LD-Discrepancy model, this is a great overview from Understood.org:  Understood.Org Discrepancy.
  2. Pathologizing Childhood: Not all child problems are neurobiological (i.e., “brain-based”) disabilities.   Some issues are just kids being kids. (Please see my blog on boy executive function deficits:  (Boy Executive Function Blog ).  Also, sometimes the material being given to them is inappropriate to their level of reading ability.  That is not a neurological problem (i.e., “dyslexia)   It’s a curriculum issue.
  3. “Diagnosing” ADHD Based on Small Data: Checking a few items (e.g., “Easily distractible….Inattentive, etc.”) on a rating scale like the Vanderbilt given in the pediatrician’s office is not enough.   There are a multitude of factors that could be producing the distractibility.  Many of these factors should be understood before putting a child on medication for ADHD
  4. “We can’t diagnose dyslexia – you need to see a neurologist.” Parents are reflexively told this by the school based on school regulations when they raise concerns of dyslexia.   Seriously, how many neurologists that you know give a battery of reading, spelling and writing tests that are necessary to assess dyslexia?  At its core, dyslexia is a reading, spelling and writing problem.  How can this be determined without a battery of reading (and writing) measures?  Stop telling parents it is a medical condition.
  5. “This or That Thinking:” “I just want to get to the bottom of it, ” parents will say.  “I just don’t know if it’s ADD or laziness.”   The problem as I see it is that there rarely is a bottom.  The truth is, it’s almost never,  “this or that.”  With most kids it’s almost always, “this and that and that.”
  6. Overplaying 504 Plans: Listen up, gang. The reality of 504 Plans can only do so much.  504s do not offer services, but basic accommodations (e.g., extended time, repeating directions, etc.).
  7. “Hey, Bud” Parenting: I hate to break the news to parents out there, but they are your children.  You don’t set limits with your buddies.  You set limits with children.
  8. Screen Addicts: I get it.  Times change.  I don’t get the newspaper delivered any more.  I have my phone with me most of the time, and am in a froth when I can’t locate it.  With that said, kids care about little else other than their screens.   They are becoming addicted.   We’re not facing it.

 Takeaway Point:  I understand that some may think that I am just saying these things because I am at the “get off my lawn” stage of life.  Maybe it’s compounded by that fact, but I have been repeating these themes to parents for many years, well before my current age/stage.

(Perhaps getting it off my chest helps –  it’s still cheaper than real therapy!!!)

Compound Interest Mentality

by | Dec 13, 2024 |

Change does not come easily for any of us. Think about how deeply ingrained our personalities, habits and proclivities are.

Fundamentally, we are who we are.

Parents spend a lot of time trying to change children and I sometimes find that their efforts may be a bit too ambitious.

Rather than go for large change, a “compound-interest mentality” may help as an alternative.

With compound interest, finances grow in small increments. Interest is paid on top of interest – an improved product is changed in incremental steps. With compound interest change occurs over time.

Using this mindset with children can be enormously helpful.

Let’s say your child has difficulty putting papers away, keeping track of assignments, knowing where to find materials, clearing out book bags, etc.. In short, your child has problems with what are commonly called “executive functioning” skills.

Trying to get your child to improve in this area can be overwhelming (for the parent and the child), and often leads to frustration.

Having a compound interest mentality is a slower process, but smaller, incremental change can occur over time leading to a significantly improved product.

To think in compounding terms, come up with a handful of skills that you think would represent real improvement in your child. Write down this list of specific skills.

Focus on one skill for a period of time until you think that skill has been internalized and mastered.

A “skill of the month” approach can help move this along.  For example, April can be “Pack Bag On Your Own Month.” Practice this skill and acknowledge  it when it is done right.

Once the skill of the month has been internalized, this would represent a form of “interest” that has been paid, so to speak. The next skill that is practiced will be on top of an already improved product.

The key to the compound interest approach is having patience and recognizing small, incremental progress.

 

Trusting Your Mom Intuition

by | Nov 15, 2024 | ,

As part of the assessment process I always conduct an interview  to get an overview of the issues of concern.

When a child is struggling, typically there will be suggestions of disorders that have been raised by different professionals along with opinions offered from friends, family members and the internet as to what is going on with their child.

As an example, a mom recently said the following:

“My kid has a lot of stuff.  She’s been struggling with reading and her behavior can be challenging. People have a lot to say.   I keep getting all of these opinions.”

She continues,

“When I asked about the reading problems, the teacher said something about dysgraphia or dyscalculia and asked whether I had spoken to my doctor about ADD and that I should see a neurologist to talk about these.  Seriously, she’s seven!!!”

“Somebody else said something about a central auditory processing disorder, whatever that is.”

“My sister thinks she has an oppositional defiant disorder and also thinks she has ADHD because it ‘clearly runs in the family.'”

“My husband thinks she is spoiled and just needs more discipline.”

At some point  I try and cut through all of these hypotheses with a  with a simple question: “Without using any psychological or medical jargon, what’s your mom gut?”

Since no one’s asked her this question before, she shows slight surprise that someone wants her opinion stated in this way.

“Well, I think she has a serious reading problem and she hates doing it because it embarrasses her.  She will do anything to get out of it even if her behavior gets out of hand.”

“Sounds pretty on point to me,” I respond.

After the evaluation is complete, I tell her,  “Guess what?  Your mom gut is 100%  correct.”

Hearing that, the mom clearly felt validated.

Takeaway Point

I have learned to trust “mom gut” over the years.

About 99% of the time the moms are on the money.

(The dads are another story.)

Parenting at the Root of the Problem (Not So Fast)

by | Nov 7, 2024 |

In addition to the myriad of labels and diagnoses offered as explanations for a child’s behavior, it is often assumed that parenting is a significant variable, if not the sole reason for a child’s behavior.

As proof of this, when we see a child who appears to be flexible and behaving well within a social context or the classroom, we typically think how great a job the parents are doing in  raising the child.

The child’s behavior is viewed as a direct outgrowth of good parenting.

On the other hand, when we see a more challenging child, we assume that questionable parenting practices underlie the difficult behavior.

Whether we say it out loud or not, we make an inherent judgment that the parent has been too permissive or overly indulgent, resulting in the the child’s challenging behaviors. We think the child is running the show – the tail is wagging the dog. This mindset is ingrained in our thinking.

While it seems indisputable that parenting has a big influence on how a child behaves, it’s important to remember it’s not the entire story.

For example, with families that I have seen over the years who have more than one child, typically one child has an easier, more flexible temperament, and the other is more inflexible, rigid and demanding.

If parenting were the primary variable on the child’s behavior, it would stand to reason that both siblings would be similar in their behavioral style.

I’ve even observed this with twins, where one twin is flexible and easy going, while the other is more challenging.

My essential reminder to parents  is that temperament is a huge variable contributing to a child’s behavior and that it’s not all parenting, as some would believe.

Takeaway Point

Parents (well, mostly the moms) will sometimes “take it on the chin,” blaming themselves if they have a challenging child.  Try and back off the harsh self-judgment.  Often the behavior is “baked in the cake.”

Adapted from:  “Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  Copyright 2023, Sentient Publications

Inside Out 2 Helps Kids Label Their Emotions – Is That a Good Thing?

by | Oct 18, 2024 | ,

When working with children sometimes I think there’s a “Brave New World” aspect to things that come up. Many examples come to mind, mostly related to the use of technology (e.g., Google Classroom, artificial intelligence, etc.).

A recent Brave New World experience hit me that had nothing to do with technology.

One of my favorite kids, 9-year-old Brody, started talking to me about his sense of “ennui.”

When he used the word “ennui” I almost fell off my chair.

“Ennui!!!!” I almost shouted. Having never heard an adult, let alone a child, use the word “ennui,” I joked with him that I was “gobsmacked” with his use of the word. (He didn’t know what that meant, of course, so I explained it.)

“Where’d you learn that word?” I asked Brody.

“It’s in the movie ‘Inside Out 2.’ Have you seen it?” he asked.

Not in touch with any popular culture, I sheepishly told him I didn’t know of it.

He then explained how the movie labels emotions within the main character.

“So, do you think you have ennui?” I ask.

“Maybe sometimes. But, I think I’m pretty exuberant, sometimes too exuberant – it gets me in trouble,” he tells me. (An interesting word that he also learned from “Inside Out 2.”)

Separately, there was 8-year-old Angie who stated she thought she was “depressed.”

While not falling out of my chair, I was taken a bit aback, as she never struck me as depressed.

“Why depressed? What’s that about?”

“Well, sometimes I get a little sad,” Angie told me. “Maybe I’m depressed.”

These conversations made me reflect on children labeling of these emotions. Most mental health professionals would probably cheer a child’s ability to utilize these words to describe feelings.

My only pushback is that I wonder whether we are over-clinicalizing (not a real word) childhood.

Is it better for children to be thinking about “ennui” and/or “depression” or is that taking them away from their primary job – that is to just be a kid?

(I understand it was a totally different era, but I don’t think I considered ennui or depression when I was scuffing around with other kids.)

I honestly don’t know how I feel about this topic and would welcome your input.

Is it a good thing for kids to be using words like “ennui” or “depression” or is this another example of growing kids up too soon?

“We’re Not Doctors…We Think You Should See a Neurologist”

by | Jun 28, 2024 | ,

Oliver, age 8, has difficulty behaving in his third grade class.

They were told by the school, “We’re not doctors, so we don’t know why he’s doing these things, but we think you should see a neurologist.”

The last statement is code language.

Here’s the translation – “We think Oliver has ADHD and needs to be on medication.”

The parents come to consult with me about Oliver, even though I am not the kind of doctor the school has in mind.

Oliver’s mom says, “We just don’t know why he does these things.  If we only knew why, then it could be fixed.  Maybe it’s his anxiety or his sensory issues.”

I can’t help myself pushing back.

“The problem with the “Why” question is it’s all speculation,” I say.  “Even the best neurologists are using subjective rating scales and history to determine things like ADHD.  So it becomes a “weight of the evidence” diagnosis.   Usually there are a number of variables interacting at the same time, not all of which are in the child’s head.  There are many variables that are external, too.”

“So how do we fix it?”  (Ugh…the question I hate, but get all the time.)

“Well, they’re not car engines.  Nothing’s broken.  So there’s no fixing it. Rather than speculate, try and stay with the facts that are observed.  What happened first, second, third?  How did the adults respond?  What were the consequences?  Before starting on medication,  let’s get a sense of the basic facts of the behavior. ”

Takeaway Point

Back in the day there was a popular TV Show, “Dragnet,” where the main detective would say, “Just the facts, Ma’m.”

Stay with the facts.  “Just the facts, Ma’m.”

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

“Missed Opportunities for Practicing ‘The Skill of…'”

by | Jun 21, 2024 | ,

So much of a child’s world can be framed in an ongoing series of different skills.

For example, some kids have the “skill of” saying hello and greeting someone they meet for the first time.  Others may have the “skill of” manners in social interactions by saying “please” and “thank you” – things like that.   These skills of greeting someone or using social manners do not happen naturally.  They are learned and practiced over countless repetitions,

What happens when we shut off the ability to practice these skills? Then there are lost opportunities and the skills simply do not develop.

Marnie, a five year, old came to my office accompanying her mother who wanted to talk to me about her older sister, Jocelyn.  When I went out to greet the mom, Marnie was on some type of head set connected to a small screen device.  Marnie never looked up, never said hello. The opportunity was lost for that small social pleasantry and interaction of putting out my hand to greet Marnie and ask her a couple of questions about her world.

Marnie continued to spend the whole time quietly with her head set on, swiping her fingers across the screen.  I did not exist as a human being.   There was lost opportunity (for both of us) to practice the “skill of” social interaction.

Later in the day I went to “Saladworks” for lunch.  A 20-something was in front of me on line.  As she placed her order, “I’ll have spinach… I’ll have olives…turkey….banana peppers…” I was struck by the fact that there was no “please” or “thank you” mixed in that salad.  The person behind the counter dutifully filling up the woman’s salad bowl did not exist to her.  There was no real human or polite social interaction.

Maybe the 20-something was just an older Marnie, someone who never had the opportunity to practice essential skills.

There are continual opportunities to practice the “skill of ___________ ” (fill in the blank).  Out of expedience parents may be cutting off these opportunities.

It certainly is easier having Marnie completely quiet and transfixed on a screen than deal with the usual five-year-old behaviors.

It just seems that something is off, though,

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

“‘Hayden, Remember to Use Your Indoor Voice'”

by | Jun 13, 2024 |

Modern parents can make you nostalgic for bygone eras.

There was a time when children went outside to play and basically did not see their mother for a solid 8 hours, except when she made them a nutritious bologna sandwich on white bread, which was wolfed down before running back out the door.

For the most part, parents didn’t bother with you or your stuff. From about five years of age on, you were mostly left alone.

There was no hovering or desire to understand what happened outside. (“Ok, Jimmy pushed you.  That’s too bad.  You probably deserved it,” was the level of psychological support you received.)

In contrast, self-conscious and very involved parenting is the rule these days.

Self-conscious parenting is revealed in the way parents speak to their child:

  • “Now, Hayden…you know that is not your indoor voice, is it Hayden?” (While Hayden runs around the café yelling.)
  • “Remember Lloyd, please do not run ahead, okay? (Lloyd has already blown off his mom, running down the store aisle.)
  • “Luna, please don’t use you your whining voice.” (Your whining voice???)
  • “Emma, where are your listening ears?” (Hmmm???”)
  • “Grant, don’t you think it is time we started our homework?” (Wait, you have homework too?)
  • Dutton, I think it is time we went to bed, isn’t it?” (We??)
  • It’s time for us to brush our teeth, Ava?  (“Our teeth?”)

Compliance between the parent and child can be complicated by many variables affecting the outcome.  A big one is how the message is sent.

Very often the sender of the message (i.e., the parent) is sending a weak, low-level message/command that conveys insecurity and is likely to be ignored.

In attempts to be nice and overly measured  while worrying about the child’s psychological well-being or  “self-esteem,” the message is not clear or direct enough.

Takeaway Point

In line with the above reference to the way things were in other parent eras, if you don’t know this dated term, “mollycoddling” you may want to look it up.

Then do the opposite!!!

For more on Parent-Child dynamics, check out my latest book:  Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids

http://www.shutdownlearner.com

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