Parenting Misc

Compound Interest Mentality

by | Dec 13, 2024 |

Change does not come easily for any of us. Think about how deeply ingrained our personalities, habits and proclivities are.

Fundamentally, we are who we are.

Parents spend a lot of time trying to change children and I sometimes find that their efforts may be a bit too ambitious.

Rather than go for large change, a “compound-interest mentality” may help as an alternative.

With compound interest, finances grow in small increments. Interest is paid on top of interest – an improved product is changed in incremental steps. With compound interest change occurs over time.

Using this mindset with children can be enormously helpful.

Let’s say your child has difficulty putting papers away, keeping track of assignments, knowing where to find materials, clearing out book bags, etc.. In short, your child has problems with what are commonly called “executive functioning” skills.

Trying to get your child to improve in this area can be overwhelming (for the parent and the child), and often leads to frustration.

Having a compound interest mentality is a slower process, but smaller, incremental change can occur over time leading to a significantly improved product.

To think in compounding terms, come up with a handful of skills that you think would represent real improvement in your child. Write down this list of specific skills.

Focus on one skill for a period of time until you think that skill has been internalized and mastered.

A “skill of the month” approach can help move this along.  For example, April can be “Pack Bag On Your Own Month.” Practice this skill and acknowledge  it when it is done right.

Once the skill of the month has been internalized, this would represent a form of “interest” that has been paid, so to speak. The next skill that is practiced will be on top of an already improved product.

The key to the compound interest approach is having patience and recognizing small, incremental progress.

 

Trusting Your Mom Intuition

by | Nov 15, 2024 | ,

As part of the assessment process I always conduct an interview  to get an overview of the issues of concern.

When a child is struggling, typically there will be suggestions of disorders that have been raised by different professionals along with opinions offered from friends, family members and the internet as to what is going on with their child.

As an example, a mom recently said the following:

“My kid has a lot of stuff.  She’s been struggling with reading and her behavior can be challenging. People have a lot to say.   I keep getting all of these opinions.”

She continues,

“When I asked about the reading problems, the teacher said something about dysgraphia or dyscalculia and asked whether I had spoken to my doctor about ADD and that I should see a neurologist to talk about these.  Seriously, she’s seven!!!”

“Somebody else said something about a central auditory processing disorder, whatever that is.”

“My sister thinks she has an oppositional defiant disorder and also thinks she has ADHD because it ‘clearly runs in the family.'”

“My husband thinks she is spoiled and just needs more discipline.”

At some point  I try and cut through all of these hypotheses with a  with a simple question: “Without using any psychological or medical jargon, what’s your mom gut?”

Since no one’s asked her this question before, she shows slight surprise that someone wants her opinion stated in this way.

“Well, I think she has a serious reading problem and she hates doing it because it embarrasses her.  She will do anything to get out of it even if her behavior gets out of hand.”

“Sounds pretty on point to me,” I respond.

After the evaluation is complete, I tell her,  “Guess what?  Your mom gut is 100%  correct.”

Hearing that, the mom clearly felt validated.

Takeaway Point

I have learned to trust “mom gut” over the years.

About 99% of the time the moms are on the money.

(The dads are another story.)

Parenting at the Root of the Problem (Not So Fast)

by | Nov 7, 2024 |

In addition to the myriad of labels and diagnoses offered as explanations for a child’s behavior, it is often assumed that parenting is a significant variable, if not the sole reason for a child’s behavior.

As proof of this, when we see a child who appears to be flexible and behaving well within a social context or the classroom, we typically think how great a job the parents are doing in  raising the child.

The child’s behavior is viewed as a direct outgrowth of good parenting.

On the other hand, when we see a more challenging child, we assume that questionable parenting practices underlie the difficult behavior.

Whether we say it out loud or not, we make an inherent judgment that the parent has been too permissive or overly indulgent, resulting in the the child’s challenging behaviors. We think the child is running the show – the tail is wagging the dog. This mindset is ingrained in our thinking.

While it seems indisputable that parenting has a big influence on how a child behaves, it’s important to remember it’s not the entire story.

For example, with families that I have seen over the years who have more than one child, typically one child has an easier, more flexible temperament, and the other is more inflexible, rigid and demanding.

If parenting were the primary variable on the child’s behavior, it would stand to reason that both siblings would be similar in their behavioral style.

I’ve even observed this with twins, where one twin is flexible and easy going, while the other is more challenging.

My essential reminder to parents  is that temperament is a huge variable contributing to a child’s behavior and that it’s not all parenting, as some would believe.

Takeaway Point

Parents (well, mostly the moms) will sometimes “take it on the chin,” blaming themselves if they have a challenging child.  Try and back off the harsh self-judgment.  Often the behavior is “baked in the cake.”

Adapted from:  “Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  Copyright 2023, Sentient Publications

Inside Out 2 Helps Kids Label Their Emotions – Is That a Good Thing?

by | Oct 18, 2024 | ,

When working with children sometimes I think there’s a “Brave New World” aspect to things that come up. Many examples come to mind, mostly related to the use of technology (e.g., Google Classroom, artificial intelligence, etc.).

A recent Brave New World experience hit me that had nothing to do with technology.

One of my favorite kids, 9-year-old Brody, started talking to me about his sense of “ennui.”

When he used the word “ennui” I almost fell off my chair.

“Ennui!!!!” I almost shouted. Having never heard an adult, let alone a child, use the word “ennui,” I joked with him that I was “gobsmacked” with his use of the word. (He didn’t know what that meant, of course, so I explained it.)

“Where’d you learn that word?” I asked Brody.

“It’s in the movie ‘Inside Out 2.’ Have you seen it?” he asked.

Not in touch with any popular culture, I sheepishly told him I didn’t know of it.

He then explained how the movie labels emotions within the main character.

“So, do you think you have ennui?” I ask.

“Maybe sometimes. But, I think I’m pretty exuberant, sometimes too exuberant – it gets me in trouble,” he tells me. (An interesting word that he also learned from “Inside Out 2.”)

Separately, there was 8-year-old Angie who stated she thought she was “depressed.”

While not falling out of my chair, I was taken a bit aback, as she never struck me as depressed.

“Why depressed? What’s that about?”

“Well, sometimes I get a little sad,” Angie told me. “Maybe I’m depressed.”

These conversations made me reflect on children labeling of these emotions. Most mental health professionals would probably cheer a child’s ability to utilize these words to describe feelings.

My only pushback is that I wonder whether we are over-clinicalizing (not a real word) childhood.

Is it better for children to be thinking about “ennui” and/or “depression” or is that taking them away from their primary job – that is to just be a kid?

(I understand it was a totally different era, but I don’t think I considered ennui or depression when I was scuffing around with other kids.)

I honestly don’t know how I feel about this topic and would welcome your input.

Is it a good thing for kids to be using words like “ennui” or “depression” or is this another example of growing kids up too soon?

“We’re Not Doctors…We Think You Should See a Neurologist”

by | Jun 28, 2024 | ,

Oliver, age 8, has difficulty behaving in his third grade class.

They were told by the school, “We’re not doctors, so we don’t know why he’s doing these things, but we think you should see a neurologist.”

The last statement is code language.

Here’s the translation – “We think Oliver has ADHD and needs to be on medication.”

The parents come to consult with me about Oliver, even though I am not the kind of doctor the school has in mind.

Oliver’s mom says, “We just don’t know why he does these things.  If we only knew why, then it could be fixed.  Maybe it’s his anxiety or his sensory issues.”

I can’t help myself pushing back.

“The problem with the “Why” question is it’s all speculation,” I say.  “Even the best neurologists are using subjective rating scales and history to determine things like ADHD.  So it becomes a “weight of the evidence” diagnosis.   Usually there are a number of variables interacting at the same time, not all of which are in the child’s head.  There are many variables that are external, too.”

“So how do we fix it?”  (Ugh…the question I hate, but get all the time.)

“Well, they’re not car engines.  Nothing’s broken.  So there’s no fixing it. Rather than speculate, try and stay with the facts that are observed.  What happened first, second, third?  How did the adults respond?  What were the consequences?  Before starting on medication,  let’s get a sense of the basic facts of the behavior. ”

Takeaway Point

Back in the day there was a popular TV Show, “Dragnet,” where the main detective would say, “Just the facts, Ma’m.”

Stay with the facts.  “Just the facts, Ma’m.”

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

“Missed Opportunities for Practicing ‘The Skill of…'”

by | Jun 21, 2024 | ,

So much of a child’s world can be framed in an ongoing series of different skills.

For example, some kids have the “skill of” saying hello and greeting someone they meet for the first time.  Others may have the “skill of” manners in social interactions by saying “please” and “thank you” – things like that.   These skills of greeting someone or using social manners do not happen naturally.  They are learned and practiced over countless repetitions,

What happens when we shut off the ability to practice these skills? Then there are lost opportunities and the skills simply do not develop.

Marnie, a five year, old came to my office accompanying her mother who wanted to talk to me about her older sister, Jocelyn.  When I went out to greet the mom, Marnie was on some type of head set connected to a small screen device.  Marnie never looked up, never said hello. The opportunity was lost for that small social pleasantry and interaction of putting out my hand to greet Marnie and ask her a couple of questions about her world.

Marnie continued to spend the whole time quietly with her head set on, swiping her fingers across the screen.  I did not exist as a human being.   There was lost opportunity (for both of us) to practice the “skill of” social interaction.

Later in the day I went to “Saladworks” for lunch.  A 20-something was in front of me on line.  As she placed her order, “I’ll have spinach… I’ll have olives…turkey….banana peppers…” I was struck by the fact that there was no “please” or “thank you” mixed in that salad.  The person behind the counter dutifully filling up the woman’s salad bowl did not exist to her.  There was no real human or polite social interaction.

Maybe the 20-something was just an older Marnie, someone who never had the opportunity to practice essential skills.

There are continual opportunities to practice the “skill of ___________ ” (fill in the blank).  Out of expedience parents may be cutting off these opportunities.

It certainly is easier having Marnie completely quiet and transfixed on a screen than deal with the usual five-year-old behaviors.

It just seems that something is off, though,

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

“‘Hayden, Remember to Use Your Indoor Voice'”

by | Jun 13, 2024 |

Modern parents can make you nostalgic for bygone eras.

There was a time when children went outside to play and basically did not see their mother for a solid 8 hours, except when she made them a nutritious bologna sandwich on white bread, which was wolfed down before running back out the door.

For the most part, parents didn’t bother with you or your stuff. From about five years of age on, you were mostly left alone.

There was no hovering or desire to understand what happened outside. (“Ok, Jimmy pushed you.  That’s too bad.  You probably deserved it,” was the level of psychological support you received.)

In contrast, self-conscious and very involved parenting is the rule these days.

Self-conscious parenting is revealed in the way parents speak to their child:

  • “Now, Hayden…you know that is not your indoor voice, is it Hayden?” (While Hayden runs around the café yelling.)
  • “Remember Lloyd, please do not run ahead, okay? (Lloyd has already blown off his mom, running down the store aisle.)
  • “Luna, please don’t use you your whining voice.” (Your whining voice???)
  • “Emma, where are your listening ears?” (Hmmm???”)
  • “Grant, don’t you think it is time we started our homework?” (Wait, you have homework too?)
  • Dutton, I think it is time we went to bed, isn’t it?” (We??)
  • It’s time for us to brush our teeth, Ava?  (“Our teeth?”)

Compliance between the parent and child can be complicated by many variables affecting the outcome.  A big one is how the message is sent.

Very often the sender of the message (i.e., the parent) is sending a weak, low-level message/command that conveys insecurity and is likely to be ignored.

In attempts to be nice and overly measured  while worrying about the child’s psychological well-being or  “self-esteem,” the message is not clear or direct enough.

Takeaway Point

In line with the above reference to the way things were in other parent eras, if you don’t know this dated term, “mollycoddling” you may want to look it up.

Then do the opposite!!!

For more on Parent-Child dynamics, check out my latest book:  Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids

http://www.shutdownlearner.com

“‘Spilling the Milk’ & ‘You Owe Me’ – Child Behavior in Two Acts”

by | Jun 7, 2024 | ,

Since my latest book, Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide to Challenging Kids, was published some months ago, I have had some interesting interactions – a number of different interviews and parents contacting me about their kid’s behavior.

A nice surprise was a small group of parents, let’s call it a parent book club, who formed to dish about the concepts related to my book.

As we talked about different ways of handling challenging behavior, one of the dads asked about how he should have handled his four-year-old son pouring milk over the furniture (not accidentally).

We speculated how their grandparents’ generation would have handled it.  (One clue.  Their grandparents  would not have been dwelling over the psychological variables behind the child’s behavior.)

One approach to the milk crime would be to employ the often used (overused?) strategy of “time-out.”

To my ears, that approach would have little real impact on the child, as he would likely be kicking, screaming and raging while being marched off to time-out with little learning taking place.

Underneath many child behaviors, I believe most kids suffer from a syndrome I have come to call IWWIWD or “I Want What I Want Disorder.”

What did this four-year-old milk pourer want?  Probably a combination of “This will be fun to see how far I can go,” coupled with an immediate demand soon after to play with a screen – some kiddie iPad or its equivalent.

Some might write off the behavior under the category of “Well, he’s a four-year-old boy and that’s what they do,” effectively brushing it off.

Well, I wrote the book.  I should have an answer, right? Here’s my answer.

I think there are “kid crimes” that call for an action and misdemeanors that can be brushed off.  I wouldn’t brush it off.

If I were able to keep my wits about me (not easy to do in this situation), I like removing the child from the situation as quickly as possible. Then speaking in clear and firm terms I’d  say something like the following:

“That was not cute and I am very upset with you.  You know that’s not how to behave in the house.  We were going to go out and have fun, but now I’m too angry to go anywhere.   For now, there is absolutely no screen playing or TV watching.  I will check back with you later.”  Then I’d walk out and be a bit chilly.  Maybe an hour or so later I’d warm up by degrees. I made my point.

Some may disagree, but this approach has its value.  No yelling.  No time-out.  An effective and clear statement of anger from the parent with the linking up screen use as an earned privilege.  I would predict future desires to spill milk  might be filed away somewhere in boy-brain as not a wise thing to do.

In another story brought to me beyond the group,  Marcus, age 13, was being tutored in a public library.  Marcus knew the tutor well, having worked with her for a number of years.  When asked to do a writing exercise, Marcus had a 13-year-old version of a five-year-old meltdown.  It was quite a scene in the public library.

Mom, sitting close by was understandably mortified, later telling me Marcus’ behavior was “reprehensible.”

How did mom handle it?  Again, she didn’t use time out or other such low impact consequence.  Instead, she drove home in stony (chilly) silence, not speaking to Marcus.  There were no lectures or harangues. Thinking about what a waste of time and money that tutoring session was and how embarrassed she felt, this is what the mom did:

Once inside, mom said to Marcus, “I know you were saving your Christmas money for something with your game system, but that session wasted time and a lot of money.  You owe me  Please go into your room and pay me back the $65 for that session of embarrassment.”

Ouch!!! Elegant and to the point.  It certainly made a statement to Marcus that is likely to stick.

Takeaway Point

It’s not too early or too late to make an impactful statement.

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

“Double Check Your Hypotheses & Theories” (#Child Behavior)

by | May 3, 2024 | ,

While meeting with parents to discuss the concerns they have regarding their  children’s struggling, numerous hypotheses and  theories are often offered as to why children do what they do.

Typically, the theories are linked to medical explanations, in other words there is a medical disorder that needs correcting.

Let’s listen to some recent statements:

“After starting on Concerta, George seemed to be playing better with other kids, but now no one seems to want to play with him.  Maybe we should try Adderall.”

“My daughter is refusing to do her work –  we thought the Lexipro was working.”

“We don’t understand.  We adjusted the Vyvanse, but he is still aggressive with his younger sister.”

“The school said Michael was very disrespectful and rude this week – maybe his Intuniv needs to be changed.  Or maybe it’s his ‘sensory’ problems again.”

“Marla’s so unmotivated.  She just wants to do nothing but go on TikTok.  It must be the medication wearing off.”

And the beat goes on.  And the beat goes on.

Things often not stated:

“I know my kid is manipulating us when he avoids his homework to go play video games.”

“Maybe the school is not the problem as to why she’s acting the way she is.”

“It’s not ok to say whatever you want in the class, even if you don’t like the work.”

“No one wants to invite Zach to their house or a birthday party; he never shares with the other kids and he has alienated them.”

What to do?

One step is to help kids recognize that choices made have built-in (natural) consequences.  (“If you don’t share, others will not want to play with you.  It’s that simple.”)

If we buffer kids from natural consequences, there will be no reason for them to learn from their mistakes and try a different approach.

 Takeaway Point

Double check your hypotheses and theories.

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

“Not Reading the Signals”

by | Apr 12, 2024 | ,

An issue often overlooked with children diagnosed as  ADHD is a frequently occurring underlying variable of social judgment and difficulty with “reading” cause and effect.  Difficulty with reading cause and effect impacts both social and academic functioning, such as understanding inferences with reading comprehension.

This is one of the reasons I struggle with the notion of treating ADHD as if it represents a whole pie chart with one treatment to consider (i.e., medication).  There’s always more in the pie chart that medication will not address.

Stimulant medication’s purpose is to help one focus better.  That’s its job.  It’s not  to help you “read the signals” in social interaction.

Let’s take Brent,  a 12-year-old I saw recently who has been diagnosed with “ADHD” by medical practitioners and being treated with medication.  When I meet Brent and start to review what’s going on with him it is clear that there’s a lot more than the broad conclusion of, “He’s ADHD.”

For example, it was noted that Brent had a tendency to do the following:

  • Blurt out inappropriately.
  • Not realize certain actions bothers others.
  • Class clowns  to excessive degree
  • Challenges with reading comprehension.

In other words, in this ADHD soup pot there was a good helping of other stuff.

Brent had been prescribed medication, but there had been little talk about these other variables, leaving the parent with the impression that the medication would take care of all.

What does Brent need?

From my perspective, Brent needs to begin to understand and practice the skill of cause and effect.  When it’s framed as a skill, that means it can be directly taught and practiced.

For example, Brent recently mouthed off to a coach of his who ended up sitting him on the bench as a result.  From Brent’s point of view, he was being treated unfairly and the coach “benched him for no reason.”

Even when his parents tried to explain it to him, Brent was outraged by the unfairness of it all.

Perhaps with a therapist, Brent needs to have these interactions broken down in ways that he can have them pointed out to him in ways that he does not get overly defensive in order for him to potentially process what went wrong and where the break down occurred.

As you can imagine, since people are defensive by nature and (adolescents particularly so), this is not easy work and will take a takes a long time with lots of back and forth for a kid like Brent to begin to look at himself.

Keep in mind that It may take an outside person to help in the teaching of this skill, as the interaction with a parent trying to do this can be fraught with danger.

Takeaway Point

If your child is “diagnosed” with ADHD and the primary (and perhaps only) recommendation is to be put on medication, you may want to ask something like, “Well, how will this address his difficulty with social cues and reading comprehension?”

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

Categories