Month: September 2020

With about 500 blog posts under our belt, we look for inspiration where we can find it.

Those of you who follow this blog, know that we strive to talk in “down-to-earth, plain language,” which is the overriding, mission of the website (www.shutdownlearner.com), the books and the blogs.

Parents, rightfully, come to me frustrated, worried and concerned.  They are looking for an answer, usually a “diagnosis.”

Even though many in the field seem comfortable with offering  a  definitive diagnoses, I am hopelessly muddling in the gray zone. Or as I explain to parents, as I push back on the label, “Well, you know it’s a ‘pie-chart’ of variables.”

Or to really make things really clear, I refer to what’s going on with their child, as a “soup-pot of variables.”

In other words in this “soup pot” (or pie chart) you can have a, helping of dyslexia, mixed in with a dash of impulsiveness,  a sprinkling of oppositional behavior and occasional meltdowns, coupled with a tendency to be socially annoying.  Oh, wait. We forgot to mention the pervasive spelling and writing issues with inattentiveness.

So, you tell me, what should we call it?

Thinking about the “pie chart,” brought to mind a kid I saw recently who stopped me in my tracks.

Nine year old, Liam, had been brought in to see me to assess his school struggles.

Midway through the testing, Liam stopped what he was doing and looked up at me. “Tell it to me straight, Doc,” he said.  “Do I have ADD?”

I have to admit, I almost spit out my coffee when Liam asked that question.  He’s nine years old!!!

How have we gotten to a point where a nine year old is asking whether he has a neurological disorder?

To answer Liam I did my usual tap dance, trying not to answer the question directly, mumbling something like, “Liam, listen, there’s nothing wrong with you.”

While shuffling papers, I continued, “We’re just trying to find out why school’s been so hard for you, so we can give you pointers on what can be done about it.”

Liam remained unmoved.

“Yeah, but do I have ADD?”

At that point, I probably squirmed my way into another part of the office, looking for something else for him to be doing to distract him from the question.

How could I talk to Liam about the “pie chart of variables,” no less the “soup pot,” so I chose the path of least resistance.

I avoided answering him.

Reflecting on the interaction, I don’t think I’d want the session on Psychology TV!

“Answer the child directly,” the viewers would comment.  “Tell him in straightforward terms whether he has the disorder or not,” the chorus would chant.  “Stop squirming and beating around the bush. We thought you were a doctor!  What’s your problem?”

My problem is I can’t see things in “black or white,” “this or that” terms.

99% of the time there is a pie chart (soup pot) to understand.  The different pieces are rarely of equal size or proportion, but they are there.

Takeaway Point

Hey, Liam, if you are reading this, there’s nothing wrong with your brain.

We just need to work on a couple of things.

No matter how many kids I’ve seen over the years, I am continually struck by the assumptions made about children and how wrong they may be.

Typical assumptions that are heard all the time include:

“He’s just not trying hard enough.”

“You just don’t care.   You need to care more.”

“If you just paid attention more, you’d know what you were supposed to do.”

“Your writing shows how much you don’t care.”

The fact is these are all assumptions, mostly attributing academic struggling to emotional variables such as low motivation.

A recent story about an 11 year old that I see frequently illustrates how we need to check our assumptions.

The boy, Ryan, was showing very low motivation for engaging with his township football team, even though he had always been a pretty good football player.  Not the most articulate of kids, he would just shrug when parents would challenge his lack of enthusiasm.

Grumbling something like,  “I don’t know. I just don’t like football.  I don’t want to play,” Ryan said.

“We know why,” his parents responded.  “You just want to get on your screens and play Fortnite.  Nothing else matters.”

Admittedly, I bought into this hypothesis/assumption.  So many of the kids I see seem to care about little else than their video playing or social media sites like “TikTok.”

So, as the appointed intermediary I tried in my own way to lean in on Ryan, to see if I could get him to “buy in” a little and show some motivation, at the same time counseling his parents on how they could set their limits and expectations with him.

(Keep in mind, it wasn’t that the playing of football was crucial in my mind relative to Ryan, but it was a physical activity and it got him out of the house with other kids and in the past he had been very enthusiastic about playing.)

When I was alone with Ryan, I asked Ryan what was going on with football, about to start my leaning and then he said, “I just don’t want to play.  I don’t like it.”

Of course it was fair enough not to like it, but I pushed a little more to understand how he had gone from loving it the year before to wanting to quit. Ryan spoke in a low mumble, “They (his teammates) make fun of me a lot.  They call me names and I’m never included with them.”

My mouth dropped in an “aha” moment.

Feeling embarrassed and ridiculed, the wind was out of his sails.  It was just hard for him to effectively articulate these feelings, as it is for most of the boys I have known.  Being clear about feelings was never a strong suit of theirs.

Continuing in my role as intermediary, I explained to the parents what I thought was going on with Ryan.

As I spoke to them, they, too, were having their  own “aha” moment.

Whether Ryan was going to stay with football or not was a discussion they were going to have later, but for the moment, everyone in the room was checking the assumptions that we brought in.

Takeaway Point

Things are often not what they seem.

Before making the assumption, pull back a little.  Maybe there is something else going on.

Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

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