In today’s Two Minute Tidbit Tip, Dr. Selznick discusses what to do when kids shut down early.
Month: June 2020
“A Big Bowl of …”
A frustrated mom named Jan, who I spoke to some time ago really reduced things to its basic terms. Discussing her 12 year old sixth grader, Jackson, she went through a list of issues:
- resistant to homework
- hates reading
- frequent meltdowns
- constant YouTubing
- disrespectful to his parents
- sees school as pointless
- seemingly no motivation
- no sustained effort
- low tolerance for any difficulty or frustration
Two different physicians “diagnosed” Jackson as “ADHD,” and signed off on a prescription with the “check-back-with-me in four months” approach.
As Jan reported, the medication seemed to help some for maybe two or three weeks where Jackson appeared mildly more focused and compliant.
However, Jan offered a more accurate description in her reductionist view. As she noted, “It’s just a big bowl of sh-t!”
Yep, that’s about the size of it.
We seem to want to ascribe specific categories or labels to this big bowl, but this is challenging as there is no x-ray, no one measure that says a child has this one thing vs. another.
Yet, I hear it all the time.
“She has a ‘sensory disorder.’”
“My child has ADHD.”
“Yes, it’s dyslexia.”
On and on it can go with the “disorders” that always attempt at putting pure neurobiological explanations to some of the struggling that is taking place.
Today, I spoke with a cute and endearing 8 year old, girl, Maria, who has had difficulty being accepted by her peer group in school. Instead of talking about ADHD or “sensory issues” with the mom and the girl, ” I tied to help the Maria understand the skill of getting along with others.
We talked about how she can “go over the top” and not read the signals.
When I asked her to play back what I was saying to her to get a feel for whether she was hearing me, she said, “I try too hard to be cool and it can get annoying and on people’s nerves.”
“Bingo!!!!!!”
Staying focused on the “skill of…” thinking is a whole lot more productive than overemphasizing a theoretical neurobiological disorder.
So, back to Jan and the “big bowl of sh-t,” breaking things down in “skill terms” would probably be a lot more productive than “disorder thinking.”
Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick. Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com
To purchase a signed copy of “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.
“Hmmm… Let Me Think About It” – Two Minute Tidbit Tips
In today’s Two Minute Tidbit Tip, Dr. Selznick discusses self-monitoring and flexibility of thinking.
The Frustration of Nonchalance
Synonyms for “nonchalance:” apathy, complacence indifference, unconcern, torpor
Antonyms for “nonchalance:” concerned, interested, motivated
A parent came to talk to me about her 13 year old son, Aaron. Previously “diagnosed” with ADHD of the inattentive variety, various stimulant medications have been tried with him without much benefit.
“Look,” the mom said, “I don’t really know if he’s ADD, the doctor spent about 15 minutes with us. I do know he’s nonchalant. It’s like he’s just indifferent and it’s driving me up the wall.”
(Wow… “nonchalant”….that’s a word I don’t hear very often, certainly not used in clinical terms or descriptions. It’s funny how words fall out of favor.)
Upon meeting Aaron, I know exactly what the mom is saying. It was a very long hour trying to find out what his point of view was on the topic. It’s not easy to talk to someone who shows, indifference, apathy unconcern and torpor (i.e., nonchalance).
Essentially, Aaron had little to say with a fair amount of shrugging.
“All he cares about is his Xbox,” his mom almost shouted in the session.
The mom’s frustration brought to mind a famous short story I had read many years ago by Herman Melville, called “Bartleby, the Scrivener.” (“Scrivener,” talk about a dated word.)
As I recall, Bartleby was the 19th century version of a paralegal working in a law office. Whenever he was asked to do something by his office superior, Bartleby had a standard response – “I would prefer not to.” Bartley basically did nothing and just stared out the window ignoring his boss with nonchalant indifference.
This, “I’d prefer not to,” position made Bartleby’s boss bonkers.
A mom of a 17 year old I am working with asked her son to stop what he was doing for about an hour to help pull weeds in preparation of some landscaping.
Now, of course, the 17 year old felt he couldn’t help because he was engaged in a very important activity (that he had been doing for the previous nine hours ) “Grand Theft Auto” on his Xbox and he basically told her, “No, I’d prefer not to.”
With his stance her anger thermometer rapidly rose.
Psychologists and other behavioral types will have all kinds of systems to try and get the motivation going in the right direction, but it’s a tough battle.
If you have a Bartleby type my best advice is to try and side-step the control battles that inevitably ensue, as challenging as this may be may be.
While not getting into a control battle, you could also say to your 17 year old Bartleby in very direct tones, “Look, you either pull the weeds or I am going to lock your Xbox away in a our safe until you have done what I asked to my satisfaction. It’s your choice.”
Takeaway Point
Go buy a safe if you don’t have one.
They come in handy when you need them.
Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick. Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com
To purchase a signed copy of “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.
“Meltdowny Children”
Lots of parents come to me to talk about their children who are “meltdowny” (a word I made up).
To explain these “meltdowny” types, let’s look at the story of five-year-old Jared.
Prone to having meltdowns when he does not get his way, Jared shows extreme reactions whenever his parents ask him to do anything he does not want to do.
Demanding and difficult, Jared is simply quite often out of control.
Jared’s mother, Beth, explains his behavior in neurological terms, believing that “sensory and ADD issues” are at the primary cause. (Having met Jared, I wasn’t so sure if these hypotheses were correct.)
I ask Beth to tell me different stories that illustrate the nature of the meltdowns and what seems to trigger them.
The stories are all variations on a similar theme – when it’s time for dinner, time to go to bed or to get off of his xbox, as examples, explosive meltdowns are typical reactions. These can last for some minutes or even up to a half-hour or more, depending upon the situation. The meltdowns turns off like a faucet when Jared gets what he wants.
What does Jared want?
In basic terms, almost always, Jared wants pleasure – fun.
That’s it.
Pure and simple.
For most modern kids, pleasure comes on devices, such the xbox, iPad, or while watching YouTube.
With inflexible and difficult-style children, when they are not getting access to these devices, they can make a parent’s life miserable and hold them hostage with extremes of behavior.
In Jared’s household, this type of interaction is a daily ritual that can occur multiple times.
My sense is that these days there are a lot of Jareds out there. A small amount of frustration leads to huge reactions
What do you do in these situations? How do you handle “meltdowny” children? While there’s a lot more that I can say beyond the confines of a short blog post, start with a concept called “active ignoring.” That is, don’t react. Stay cool and don’t try and do anything to get him out of the state he is in.
While the tantrum is taking place (presuming nothing is being broken), go about your business. There should be no pleading, coaxing or yelling, as these will only add fuel to the fire.
Also, be careful with giving in to the meltdown with some sort of statement such as, “Ok, you can have 10 more minutes and then you have to go upstairs.” This will only encourage more of these in the future.
Takeaway Point
“Meltdowny” kids are tough.
Be strong.
Don’t “feed the beast.”
Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick. Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com
To purchase a signed copy of “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.