Modern Childhood

Sharks & Minnows – Part II

by | Sep 15, 2023 | ,

Last week we talked about the law of the playground  (and the jungle), that in spite of well meaning attempts to extinguish the phenomenon of “sharks” picking on the “minnows,” the law of the playground persists (Sharks & Minnows (Part I).

Picking up on the smallest drop of blood, the sharks jump in.  It really doesn’t take much to get things going in a not so great direction.

It may not be overt or aggressive, but the minnows feel it.

“She can’t even read – she’s so stupid,” Claire overheard from one of the sharky kids snickering to a few other sharky types in the lunchroom as she walked past them.

Sometimes the minnows unknowingly hand it over to them, by acting too silly or too over the top, like young Nicholas who is always making “knock knock” jokes that no one wants to hear.  (I say these kids can be “too too.”)

So, if it’s an immutable law, what’s to be done (keeping in mind that there are no easy answers to any of it)?

Here are  a few points:

  • Watch overuse of the word “bullying:” As noted on stopbullying.gov.  Bullying represents unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.  

Others may disagree, but I don’t think Claire’s situation above would qualify as bullying.  If that type of interaction is repeated over time, that’s a different story and the school should be notified to address the issue with their HIB policy.

  • Sensitizing the Minnows: This is much easier said than done.  A young man I work with mentioned above, Nicholas, is a great kid, but he can set himself up unwittingly to be shark chum.  I try (the best I can) to help him to turn his dial down a little in group situations  Not blurting out the first thing that comes to your mind, being mindful of side behaviors like cracking knuckles, making jokes or tapping too much are small examples.  There are many other behaviors like these that get the sharks going.  Having a child like Nicholas get feedback in therapy about their social behavior can be helpful.
  • Sensitizing the Sharks: When I worked in schools, I’d like to believe I could sensitize the sharks to some extent, not by “getting in their grill,” but by talking to them in plain, direct language.  “Listen, man, I saw you giving Nicholas a hard time the other day in the playground.  I know he gets on your nerves, but it’s really starting to bother him.  I’d appreciate it if you backed it down,” is the type of thing I would say to a shark.  Most of the time, talking to the shark directly worked more often than not.

Adult involvement is key with any intervention.

Without adult involvement, neither the sharks nor the minnows will alter their behavior, or to borrow another metaphor – “Leopards don’t change their spots.”

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Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

“Sharks & Minnows”

by | Sep 8, 2023 |

Out in the playground, in the lunchroom and on the school bus – really in every possible school situation – group dynamics are always at work.

There will be those in the group who are more assertive (sometimes aggressive), and those who are not. Many will be in the middle zone.
In fact, by sheer odds and the laws of the bell-shaped curve, most kids will be in the middle zone, not leaning one way or another.

One law that seems almost immutable is that the weaker kids (the minnows) will be frequent targets of the more aggressive ones (the sharks).

I recently spoke to a minnow named Leo, a fourth grader,  who hated the playground.

Here’s a sample of what he conveyed to me:

Ugh, I hate the playground. No one wants to play with me. I tried to play punch ball the other day, but no one wanted me on their team and they just laughed at me when I missed. The really mean kid put a boogey on my back and then he shoved me in line. I went to my teacher, but she said I was tattling and should just stay away from him. I also told my parents but they didn’t know what to do. Oh no, the teacher is blowing the whistle and we have to get back in line and the mean kid is coming back to me again. I just hate recess.

While I listened  sympathetically, as you can imagine there are no easy answers to the “sharks and minnows” phenomenon.

Schools follow HIB (Harassment Intimidation & Bullying) protocols, but much what was  described by Leo may not fall in the level of a HIB violation.

If that is, in fact, the case, then what?

(We will continue with Sharks and Minnows in Part II.)

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Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.)  

“‘Bright Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less'”

by | Jul 14, 2023 | , ,

A common complaint that parents bring to me is some variation on the theme of the child being poorly motivated.

Parents will say things like, “He just doesn’t seem to care about anything (other than screens).  We’ve tried everything and nothing seems to motivate him.   Now, if it’s something he likes doing like surfing at the beach, he will get up early and do it all day. For that, he’s motivated.”

One of the things that gets my back up is when professionals fall to simplistic explanations after the parents have checked off a few of the classic items on a rating scale at the doctor’s office that point to “ADHD.”

While the child may have this neurodevelopmental disorder, I could easily come up with about 20  different things that contribute to the child having low motivation.

A favorite author of mine who has written a number of excellent books on learning issues and struggling children is Dr. Ellen Braaten.

While cruising around Barnes and Nobles recently (yes, people still go to real bookstores sometimes), I came upon her latest book whose title says it all:  “Bright Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less:  How to Rekindle Your Child’s Motivation.”

Even though we don’t know each other, I’d like to think we are kindred spirits.

While parents often want to focus on the question, “How do we fix it,” I try and push back and remind parents that their children are not car engines and that there’s nothing broken.

I encourage parents to follow the child’s strengths. (That is the theme of The Shut-Down Learner.”)

Following the child’s strengths is a lot easier said than done and getting a child through the rigors of school can be extremely challenging  (The last time I looked surfing wasn’t a part of most school’s curriculum.)

Dr. Braaten also emphasizes building on strengths to help break the cycle of low motivation.

One of the things I particularly liked about Dr. Braaten’s book is a chart that she includes that highlights what low motivation looks like at different ages.  For example,  how does low motivation look with a five year old compared to a 17-year-old?

If you’ve been frustrated as many parents are with issues of motivation, I strongly encourage you to get a hold of Dr. Braaten’s book.  It’s loaded with great ideas and offers good food for thought.

I believe your perspective on why your child is unmotivated will broaden once you go through her book.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“‘Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’t it)'”

by | Jul 7, 2023 | ,

Picking up on last week’s theme with Marla where we talked about her “anger issues (“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues’”), there were other interactions with the world telling a similar story.

A day or so ago, I was with our dog, Ella, in a pet store. Ella was on a pretty tight leash.

The same could not be said about the two children (probably age three and five) who surprised Ella (and me) from behind, wildly squeaking toys at her.

Worried about how Ella might react to the children surprising her, I firmly told the children to not get so close, while their mom stood idly by watching, but doing nothing.

The children seemed taken aback that I wasn’t applauding their antics.  The mom looked quizzical that there were boundaries being set. (It was like her internal computer programming was locked up with the concept of limiting her children – “This does not compute…This does not compute.”)

Thankfully, Ella was probably the most mature creature in the place (including me) and didn’t react.

Most interactions like this tell a larger story.  It doesn’t take much to reveal an underlying philosophy.  Usually, one picture tells many or in the wisdom that you may remember from the famous song by  Rod Stewart and the Faces, “Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’ it).”

It certainly did in this case.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

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“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues'”

by | Jun 30, 2023 | ,

One of my favorite kids, Marla, age 6, came in to see me.

Nearly six and going into first grade in the fall, I had tracked Marla since she was three. As the mental health professionals like to call it, Marla’s had issues with, “behavioral self-regulation.”

Marla’s difficulty with “behavioral self-regulation” usually appeared as her having difficulty keeping her hands to herself and frequently melting down when things were not going her way.

Marla came in to chat about summer camp, which was just starting.  Marla tells me that there is a counselor in her bunk who was assigned to her specifically “because of my anger issues.”

Marla’s frank statement of her “anger issues’ pulled me back a bit and I raised an inquisitive eyebrow and asked her, “Oh, yeah.  What are your anger issues?”

With a sly smile, she says very little and shrugs.

I encourage her to draw me her anger issues.  While Marla loves drawing, there was not much content that illustrated her anger issues.  I compliment her on the drawing.

I am not dismissing the idea that young kids like Marla can have “anger issues,” but there are a considerable percentage of kids who may not have anger issues, though it looks like it in how they behave and interact.

My interpretation of Marla’s “anger issues” was simple.

When she does not get what she wants Marla gets angry.  There was a small word that frequently results in Marla reacting poorly.   In short, Marla struggles with “no” and it makes her angry.

Too often, children like Marla are quickly diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication before understanding their difficulty coping with something like  the “no” word.

In Marla’s case a lot of work focused on both Marla and the way her parents managed her challenging behavior.

Over time Marla incrementally started to face reality that it wasn’t always going to go her way and that, yes, there is a no and you have to deal with it.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“‘Barn Kids’ & the ‘Populars'”

by | May 12, 2023 | ,

In my ongoing education, this week I learned about the “Barn Kids” and the “Populars.”

Mother of 12-year-old Marla explained to me that her 12-year-old daughter was one of the “Barn Kids”  and not one of the “Populars.”

Instinctively, I sort of knew what she meant,  but asked for elaboration.

“Well, the Barn kids are like in their own corner of the universe.  They love hanging with the horses, shoveling hay, cleaning stalls and doing all sorts of other odd jobs around the barn.  They don’t have phones or other screens down at the barn.  They just hang with the horses and sometimes a little with each other.”

I ask, how  Marla get along with the other Barn kids.”

“Great…totally the opposite of how she is with the Populars or in school.  An interesting side-note is that the Barn Kids are all different ages, from maybe seven up to teens.”

“With the Populars,” she continued, “they’re always clustering on their phones, going on Tik Tok, talking and gossiping with each other.  From what I can tell, they can be a pretty tough group.  Marla is very skittish about them.”

When I meet Marla we talk about her love of the barn and she tells me how it all works. She didn’t feel like an outsider there, pressing her nose to the glass trying to get in the club as she always feels around the popular kids.  She also proudly shows me a video of herself in a jumping competition that she had recently won. (The Populars knew nothing about her victory.)

There wasn’t much she had to say about the Populars, other than on occasion they could make fun of her, but she felt she was learning to cope when she had to be around them.

Beside, when she started to feel stressed and had trouble coping, she knew her horse was a great listener!

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“Low ‘Oomph'”

by | May 5, 2023 |

“oomph” noun Informal: energy; vitality; enthusiasm.

I don’t know how to describe it in more clinical or scientific terms, but there are a bunch of kids I’ve assessed recently who seem to me to lack “oomph.”

While “oomph” may be one of those words that are not currently in modern usage, I think it conveys an important issue not often discussed.

With a low level of “oomph,”  the child comes across with low-energy and very little “push” behind them and the  tasks they are asked to complete.  Typically, parents will be checking the boxes that say things like, “lacks sustained mental effort,” “inattentive,” “easily distracted.”

With these children, I think of them as having a low “OQ,” (i.e., “”Oomph Quotient”)..  While not very scientific I understand, but that’s what it feels like when I’m with them.

Let’s take Blaze, an 8 year old whose parents are worried about how he conducts himself in his day-to-day life.

When I meet  Blaze I do my best to connect with him, but he’s not buying what I’m selling.  Giving me a half-hearted  (“must I do this”) fist bump with a meager smile as a starting point, he conveys that he can’t wait to be out of there.

When the assessment starts I ask Blaze to write down three things that he likes to do.  Instead of writing,  he says something in a mumble like, “I don’t like to do too much – video games.”  (Nothing gets written down.)

Later, on a task where I have Blaze to copy different shape and designs on the page and to put blocks together in patterns, he goes through the motions, but there is no attempt to correct himself when a design or block pattern is obviously wrong.

The sense is that the only thing on Blaze’s mind that matters to him is getting done with this annoyance, probably  so he can go back to his screen time at home or on the phone that his parents have given him on his birthday (with no strings attached).

It would be one thing if what was observed was unusual for Blaze, a function of not liking me or the assessment situation, but this type of thing occurs consistently and his parents are getting their buttons pushed by it.  (Teachers also comment on the low energy.)

Certainly, many kids with low “oomph” are diagnosed as  ADHD – of the inattentive variety – but my sense is that it is deeper than we are owning and understanding and a fairly complex issue.

To my knowledge there is no easy fix to remedy low “oomph.””

A good first step is to recognize it for what it often is – a total disinterest in anything beyond what is giving the child pleasure (which usually comes in the form of a screen).

Once it is recognized for what it is, honest conversations can take place between parent and child about what the low “oomph” means and how much of a problem it is becoming.

Starting to link up very important messages that questions the free access to screen pleasure would be a good next step.

The child has to start understanding the basic formula of “you give and you get,” as the child is typically stuck in “you don’t give and you still get.”

While this may not move the “OQ” needle significantly, it may move it enough to get the child more in the game.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“Nicholas & the ‘Child-to-Mother Sideways Glance'”

by | Apr 28, 2023 |

Over the last year or so, I’ve noted an interesting trend – I’ll call it the “Child-to-Mom- Sideways Glance.”

Here’s how it goes.

Take William, age 8, who comes in to meet with me for the first time accompanied by his mother.  They sit next to each other perhaps two feet apart.

I engage William.

“So, Will, how old are you?”

Rather than answer the question directly, William immediate glances sideways at his mom before answering.

Once answering I check my chart and jokingly state, “Correct!!!! You’re right!!!!”

Thankfully, William laughs as I ask him another question.

“And, when’s your birthday?  (Sideways glance comes again immediately before responding.)

Teasingly, I joke, “I’m going to ask another one.  This is not a trick question.  You’re not allowed to look at your mother – in fact, I’m going to put up this paper shield so you can’t look at her when you answer,” as I playfully put up a paper between them so he can’t look at her when I ask if he has any pets.

Now I have William fully laughing and his mother is too, because she knows she’s in this dance with him as a co-conspirator.

This segues into another kid, Nicholas, age 10, a budding and brilliant future neuroscientist (and not a sideways glancer).

I explain my observation to Nicholas looking for his opinion on child behavior.

“So, Nicholas, I’ve picked up on this trend of child behavior where kids can’t answer a question without looking at their moms.  I know  there is no right or wrong answer, but what’s your guess why this is happening?”

Without skipping a beat, Nicholas says, “I would have a few hypotheses.”  (Now, I’m dying, laughing and leaning back, enjoying the ride to come.)

“My first hypothesis would be that the kid is maybe a little uncomfortable, maybe a little nervous.”

“That sounds like a good one,” I say.  “And your second?”

“Another hypothesis would be the kid has become too reliant (his word) on his mother. A third would be that they’re looking to their mother for approval too much.”

“Wow…those are pretty good,” I affirm (not that he needs my affirmation).  “I have one more to add,” I tell him.

“And, that would be?”

(Now I have pressure to earn my stripes with this 10-year-old researcher.)

“A hypothesis I would have would be the mom is too ready to speak for the child and he’s gotten very used to her answering for him.”

Nicholas gives me a wise nod, thankfully affirming my hypothesis. (I needed Nicholas’ approval more than he needed mine.)

I ask Nicholas  how he would set up a study and test the hypotheses.  Nicholas tells how he would set up a study to test them.  Nicholas quickly explains how he would research it, a well-designed study worthy of most  graduate programs.

Takeaway Point

All hypotheses are in play when it comes to the child-to-mother sideways glance.

This trend will need to be investigated further. Nicholas is on it.

I can’t wait to start having Nicholas on as a guest or co-host on my future podcasts.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“‘What’s the Matter With Kids Today?'”

by | Apr 7, 2023 | ,

“The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think nothing but of themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.”  (Peter the Hermit, circa 1250)

Well, since he was a hermit, perhaps he wasn’t tuned in to the leading technology of the day, so what did he know.

Many centuries before Peter, Hesiod also despaired about the future and the state of youth at the time:

“I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous young people of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words.  When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful) and impatient of restraint.” (Hesiod, 8th Century, BCE).

A few hundred years after Hesiod, Socrates, as quoted by Plato, started to document ADHD in the classroom and the challenges that the beleaguered teachers faced.

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; and they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, and are not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”  (Socrates,  circa 870 BCE)

(Man, can you imagine if those hooligans in Socrates’ time had iPhones!!!!!!)

Plato built on Socrates and started his own documenting of oppositional defiant disorders and conduct disorder.

“What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders. They disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying.  What is to become of them?” (Plato)

Takeaway Point

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

To receive future blog posts, register your email: http://www.shutdownlearner.com.

“Theories & Hypotheses”

by | Mar 5, 2023 | ,

When you are a parent in struggling “Child Land,” there are all kinds of theories, hypotheses and explanations as to why children do what they do.

These hypotheses are revealed in statements made as to what is behind the child acting a certain way.

Let’s listen to some recent statements:

“Marla’s so unmotivated.  She just wants to do nothing.  It must be the medication wearing off.”

“My daughter is refusing to do her work –  we thought the Lexipro was working.”

“My son, marches to the beat of his own drummer –  he’s more of a creative type. Rules just aren’t his thing.”

And the beat goes on.

Things often not stated:

“I know my kid is manipulating us when he avoids his homework to go play video games.”

“Maybe the school is not the problem as to why she’s acting the way she is.”

“It’s not ok to say whatever you want in the class, even if you don’t like the work.”

“No one wants to invite Zach to their house or a birthday party; he never shares with the other kids and he has alienated them.”

What to do?

One step is to help kids recognize that choices made have built-in (natural) consequences.  (“If you don’t share, others will not want to play with you.  It’s that simple.”)

If we buffer kids from natural consequences, there will be no reason for them to learn from their mistakes and try a different approach.

 Takeaway Point

Double check your hypotheses and theories.

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Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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