In addition to the myriad of labels and diagnoses offered as explanations for a child’s behavior, it is often assumed that parenting is a significant variable, if not the sole reason for a child’s behavior.
As proof of this, when we see a child who appears to be flexible and behaving well within a social context or the classroom, we typically think how great a job the parents are doing in raising the child.
The child’s behavior is viewed as a direct outgrowth of good parenting.
On the other hand, when we see a more challenging child, we assume that questionable parenting practices underlie the difficult behavior.
Whether we say it out loud or not, we make an inherent judgment that the parent has been too permissive or overly indulgent, resulting in the the child’s challenging behaviors. We think the child is running the show – the tail is wagging the dog. This mindset is ingrained in our thinking.
While it seems indisputable that parenting has a big influence on how a child behaves, it’s important to remember it’s not the entire story.
For example, with families that I have seen over the years who have more than one child, typically one child has an easier, more flexible temperament, and the other is more inflexible, rigid and demanding.
If parenting were the primary variable on the child’s behavior, it would stand to reason that both siblings would be similar in their behavioral style.
I’ve even observed this with twins, where one twin is flexible and easy going, while the other is more challenging.
My essential reminder to parents is that temperament is a huge variable contributing to a child’s behavior and that it’s not all parenting, as some would believe.
Takeaway Point
Parents (well, mostly the moms) will sometimes “take it on the chin,” blaming themselves if they have a challenging child. Try and back off the harsh self-judgment. Often the behavior is “baked in the cake.”
Adapted from: “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. Copyright 2023, Sentient Publications