Modern Childhood

The Baby is Birthed!!!

by | Dec 15, 2023 | ,

I am excited to let you know that the new baby, “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids,” has been officially birthed!!!

After endless doing, redoing, tweaking, feeling frustrated with it, filing it away, bringing it back out again, I am excited to let you know that the baby has been officially and is now available.

To get the book, check it out on Sentient Publication’s website:   SENTIENT PUBLICATIONS.

You can also get it on Amazon or Barnes & Nobles:

Amazon:  AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE

Barnes & Noble:  BARNES & NOBLE

If you do get the book , I would appreciate your leaving a review..  (The reviews don’t need to be long.)

WORKSHOPS & Q & A CHATS If you’re a parent (or a grandparent)  who is interested in setting up an online talk/chat, please reach out to  others who may be interested so we can set something up.  Please email me at shutdownlearer1@gmail.com to discuss getting something off the ground

SOCIAL MEDIA: Behind the scenes we’ve been ramping up our social media presence, with fun videos, tidbit tips and other stuff:

Check out:

(Hover cursor over each link to activate.)

INSTAGRAM: INSTAGRAM – SELZNICK

FACEBOOK:    FACEBOOK SELZNICK – SHUTDOWN LEARNER PAGE

LINKEDIN:  LINKEDIN – SELZNICK

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YOUTUBE:   YOUTUBE – SELZNICK

Enjoy the holidays – Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all who celebrate.

Thanks for your support and being a follower of this blog.

See you in 2024.

 

Amelia Ignores Her Mom

by | Dec 8, 2023 |

Eight-year-old Amelia goes about her day mostly ignoring her mom, Andrea.

While Andrea tries to get Amelia to comply,  she largely talks to her in an insecure and hesitant voice, with words that do not get Amelia’s attention.  (“Now, come on Amelia, how about we start cleaning up?”).

Unfortunately, Andrea’s voice and language do not convey an expectation or belief that she thinks Amelia will comply.

The result is that Amelia tunes her out entirely.

To a child like Amelia, Andrea’s weak attempts to get her to do what she asks are like nails on a chalkboard, and she becomes annoyed by her mother’s ineffective requests.

Internally sneering at her mom’s weakness, Amelia dismisses and neglects her mother and any requests made.

As this dance between them continues, Andrea becomes increasingly irritated, and it begins to show.

After feeling completely dismissed, ignored, and disrespected, Andrea yells in rage, “Damn it, Amelia! I asked you to clean up. I’m sick of this. Why can’t you just listen the first time?”

Afraid of losing control even further, Andrea starts to angrily put away the toys while Amelia stands idly by.

After some time and seeing how angry her mother is, Amelia begins a halfhearted attempt to put away one toy at a time while her mother does 98% of the work.

This enrages Andrea even more.

What makes Andrea still angrier is that while Amelia slowly puts things away, her body becomes limp in a “guava jelly-like” state of noncompliance.

As she goes into this posture, it almost appears as if she lacks the musculoskeletal capacity to put the things away, even though twenty minutes ago she had energetically scattered them all around the room.

When the evening finally draws to a close, Andrea faces another ritual that she dreads—the nightly argument between her and her husband over Amelia’s behavior.

The negative feelings associated with this marital conflict then add even more fuel to her anger and frustration the next time that Amelia ignores her.

Excerpt from:  Preventing the Power Struggle:  A Guide for Parents of Challenging Children, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. (Sentient Publications)

“Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids”

by | Dec 1, 2023 | , ,

Exciting News!!!!!

Over the next few weeks, my latest book, “Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide For Parents of Challenging Kids” is scheduled to be released.

If you are a beleaguered parent or know a beleaguered parent, you might want to get a copy.

Here’s a link to the the full cover with the  endorsements:

(Click Here):  Beyond The Power Struggle 2023

Please spread the word and share.

“Beyond the Power Struggle” (Structure & Leverage)

by | Nov 17, 2023 | , , ,

As noted in the previous blog, with children showing challenging behaviors causing you tremendous stress, you were encouraged to adopt a mantra helping you remain in  your center, as you speak one “Didja” (e.g., “Didja you do your homework?”) after another.

The mantra  (“They need structure; I need leverage.”) is meant to keep things simple.

Of course, each child and family situation are different, but from what I can tell the leverage with modern kids really comes down to one thing – their screen usage.

Screen access (in whatever form) is the ruling passion, therefore it’s your leverage.

As I note in my soon to be released new book (yay!!!), “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids,”  without resorting to punishment you are encouraged to look at your child’s landscape of what they take for granted.

By about nine or ten or so, most kids have easy access to gaming systems, iPads, and many have their own phones.

For those children who are not sustaining mental effort, showing poor time management, ask yourself have they really earned the right to all of those screen distractions.  Are they really supporting your child’s “executive function deficits?”

While they gorge on Fortnite, TikTok or YouTube, and while you are exhausted trying to get your child to complete schoolwork or to do some reading  do you feel that things are out of whack?

My guess is the answer is a resounding, “Yes.”

Look at the family landscape.  What’s the structure?    Is it all one sided toward the child receiving pure pleasure while they give little in return?

Keep repeating, “They need structure! I need leverage.”

Feel free to make comment below.  To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email – rselznick615@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

Sharks & Minnows – Part II

by | Sep 15, 2023 | ,

Last week we talked about the law of the playground  (and the jungle), that in spite of well meaning attempts to extinguish the phenomenon of “sharks” picking on the “minnows,” the law of the playground persists (Sharks & Minnows (Part I).

Picking up on the smallest drop of blood, the sharks jump in.  It really doesn’t take much to get things going in a not so great direction.

It may not be overt or aggressive, but the minnows feel it.

“She can’t even read – she’s so stupid,” Claire overheard from one of the sharky kids snickering to a few other sharky types in the lunchroom as she walked past them.

Sometimes the minnows unknowingly hand it over to them, by acting too silly or too over the top, like young Nicholas who is always making “knock knock” jokes that no one wants to hear.  (I say these kids can be “too too.”)

So, if it’s an immutable law, what’s to be done (keeping in mind that there are no easy answers to any of it)?

Here are  a few points:

  • Watch overuse of the word “bullying:” As noted on stopbullying.gov.  Bullying represents unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.  

Others may disagree, but I don’t think Claire’s situation above would qualify as bullying.  If that type of interaction is repeated over time, that’s a different story and the school should be notified to address the issue with their HIB policy.

  • Sensitizing the Minnows: This is much easier said than done.  A young man I work with mentioned above, Nicholas, is a great kid, but he can set himself up unwittingly to be shark chum.  I try (the best I can) to help him to turn his dial down a little in group situations  Not blurting out the first thing that comes to your mind, being mindful of side behaviors like cracking knuckles, making jokes or tapping too much are small examples.  There are many other behaviors like these that get the sharks going.  Having a child like Nicholas get feedback in therapy about their social behavior can be helpful.
  • Sensitizing the Sharks: When I worked in schools, I’d like to believe I could sensitize the sharks to some extent, not by “getting in their grill,” but by talking to them in plain, direct language.  “Listen, man, I saw you giving Nicholas a hard time the other day in the playground.  I know he gets on your nerves, but it’s really starting to bother him.  I’d appreciate it if you backed it down,” is the type of thing I would say to a shark.  Most of the time, talking to the shark directly worked more often than not.

Adult involvement is key with any intervention.

Without adult involvement, neither the sharks nor the minnows will alter their behavior, or to borrow another metaphor – “Leopards don’t change their spots.”

Feel free to make comment below.  To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email – rselznick615@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

“Sharks & Minnows”

by | Sep 8, 2023 |

Out in the playground, in the lunchroom and on the school bus – really in every possible school situation – group dynamics are always at work.

There will be those in the group who are more assertive (sometimes aggressive), and those who are not. Many will be in the middle zone.
In fact, by sheer odds and the laws of the bell-shaped curve, most kids will be in the middle zone, not leaning one way or another.

One law that seems almost immutable is that the weaker kids (the minnows) will be frequent targets of the more aggressive ones (the sharks).

I recently spoke to a minnow named Leo, a fourth grader,  who hated the playground.

Here’s a sample of what he conveyed to me:

Ugh, I hate the playground. No one wants to play with me. I tried to play punch ball the other day, but no one wanted me on their team and they just laughed at me when I missed. The really mean kid put a boogey on my back and then he shoved me in line. I went to my teacher, but she said I was tattling and should just stay away from him. I also told my parents but they didn’t know what to do. Oh no, the teacher is blowing the whistle and we have to get back in line and the mean kid is coming back to me again. I just hate recess.

While I listened  sympathetically, as you can imagine there are no easy answers to the “sharks and minnows” phenomenon.

Schools follow HIB (Harassment Intimidation & Bullying) protocols, but much what was  described by Leo may not fall in the level of a HIB violation.

If that is, in fact, the case, then what?

(We will continue with Sharks and Minnows in Part II.)

(Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

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To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email – rselznick615@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.)  

“‘Bright Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less'”

by | Jul 14, 2023 | , ,

A common complaint that parents bring to me is some variation on the theme of the child being poorly motivated.

Parents will say things like, “He just doesn’t seem to care about anything (other than screens).  We’ve tried everything and nothing seems to motivate him.   Now, if it’s something he likes doing like surfing at the beach, he will get up early and do it all day. For that, he’s motivated.”

One of the things that gets my back up is when professionals fall to simplistic explanations after the parents have checked off a few of the classic items on a rating scale at the doctor’s office that point to “ADHD.”

While the child may have this neurodevelopmental disorder, I could easily come up with about 20  different things that contribute to the child having low motivation.

A favorite author of mine who has written a number of excellent books on learning issues and struggling children is Dr. Ellen Braaten.

While cruising around Barnes and Nobles recently (yes, people still go to real bookstores sometimes), I came upon her latest book whose title says it all:  “Bright Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less:  How to Rekindle Your Child’s Motivation.”

Even though we don’t know each other, I’d like to think we are kindred spirits.

While parents often want to focus on the question, “How do we fix it,” I try and push back and remind parents that their children are not car engines and that there’s nothing broken.

I encourage parents to follow the child’s strengths. (That is the theme of The Shut-Down Learner.”)

Following the child’s strengths is a lot easier said than done and getting a child through the rigors of school can be extremely challenging  (The last time I looked surfing wasn’t a part of most school’s curriculum.)

Dr. Braaten also emphasizes building on strengths to help break the cycle of low motivation.

One of the things I particularly liked about Dr. Braaten’s book is a chart that she includes that highlights what low motivation looks like at different ages.  For example,  how does low motivation look with a five year old compared to a 17-year-old?

If you’ve been frustrated as many parents are with issues of motivation, I strongly encourage you to get a hold of Dr. Braaten’s book.  It’s loaded with great ideas and offers good food for thought.

I believe your perspective on why your child is unmotivated will broaden once you go through her book.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

 

“‘Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’t it)'”

by | Jul 7, 2023 | ,

Picking up on last week’s theme with Marla where we talked about her “anger issues (“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues’”), there were other interactions with the world telling a similar story.

A day or so ago, I was with our dog, Ella, in a pet store. Ella was on a pretty tight leash.

The same could not be said about the two children (probably age three and five) who surprised Ella (and me) from behind, wildly squeaking toys at her.

Worried about how Ella might react to the children surprising her, I firmly told the children to not get so close, while their mom stood idly by watching, but doing nothing.

The children seemed taken aback that I wasn’t applauding their antics.  The mom looked quizzical that there were boundaries being set. (It was like her internal computer programming was locked up with the concept of limiting her children – “This does not compute…This does not compute.”)

Thankfully, Ella was probably the most mature creature in the place (including me) and didn’t react.

Most interactions like this tell a larger story.  It doesn’t take much to reveal an underlying philosophy.  Usually, one picture tells many or in the wisdom that you may remember from the famous song by  Rod Stewart and the Faces, “Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’ it).”

It certainly did in this case.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues'”

by | Jun 30, 2023 | ,

One of my favorite kids, Marla, age 6, came in to see me.

Nearly six and going into first grade in the fall, I had tracked Marla since she was three. As the mental health professionals like to call it, Marla’s had issues with, “behavioral self-regulation.”

Marla’s difficulty with “behavioral self-regulation” usually appeared as her having difficulty keeping her hands to herself and frequently melting down when things were not going her way.

Marla came in to chat about summer camp, which was just starting.  Marla tells me that there is a counselor in her bunk who was assigned to her specifically “because of my anger issues.”

Marla’s frank statement of her “anger issues’ pulled me back a bit and I raised an inquisitive eyebrow and asked her, “Oh, yeah.  What are your anger issues?”

With a sly smile, she says very little and shrugs.

I encourage her to draw me her anger issues.  While Marla loves drawing, there was not much content that illustrated her anger issues.  I compliment her on the drawing.

I am not dismissing the idea that young kids like Marla can have “anger issues,” but there are a considerable percentage of kids who may not have anger issues, though it looks like it in how they behave and interact.

My interpretation of Marla’s “anger issues” was simple.

When she does not get what she wants Marla gets angry.  There was a small word that frequently results in Marla reacting poorly.   In short, Marla struggles with “no” and it makes her angry.

Too often, children like Marla are quickly diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication before understanding their difficulty coping with something like  the “no” word.

In Marla’s case a lot of work focused on both Marla and the way her parents managed her challenging behavior.

Over time Marla incrementally started to face reality that it wasn’t always going to go her way and that, yes, there is a no and you have to deal with it.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

 

“‘Barn Kids’ & the ‘Populars'”

by | May 12, 2023 | ,

In my ongoing education, this week I learned about the “Barn Kids” and the “Populars.”

Mother of 12-year-old Marla explained to me that her 12-year-old daughter was one of the “Barn Kids”  and not one of the “Populars.”

Instinctively, I sort of knew what she meant,  but asked for elaboration.

“Well, the Barn kids are like in their own corner of the universe.  They love hanging with the horses, shoveling hay, cleaning stalls and doing all sorts of other odd jobs around the barn.  They don’t have phones or other screens down at the barn.  They just hang with the horses and sometimes a little with each other.”

I ask, how  Marla get along with the other Barn kids.”

“Great…totally the opposite of how she is with the Populars or in school.  An interesting side-note is that the Barn Kids are all different ages, from maybe seven up to teens.”

“With the Populars,” she continued, “they’re always clustering on their phones, going on Tik Tok, talking and gossiping with each other.  From what I can tell, they can be a pretty tough group.  Marla is very skittish about them.”

When I meet Marla we talk about her love of the barn and she tells me how it all works. She didn’t feel like an outsider there, pressing her nose to the glass trying to get in the club as she always feels around the popular kids.  She also proudly shows me a video of herself in a jumping competition that she had recently won. (The Populars knew nothing about her victory.)

There wasn’t much she had to say about the Populars, other than on occasion they could make fun of her, but she felt she was learning to cope when she had to be around them.

Beside, when she started to feel stressed and had trouble coping, she knew her horse was a great listener!

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

 

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