Modern Childhood

“What’s the Matter With Kids These Days”

by | Nov 3, 2011 |

I know, it’s bad and getting worse out there. Just reading a few quotes will remind us how badly things are decaying:
 
"Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers." 
 
Sounds like a lot of our modern complaining, but the quote was attributed to Socrates
(circa, 469 – 533 B.C.E.).
 
Then there is the writing found on a 6000 year old Egyptian Tomb:
 
"We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit  taverns and have no self control."
 
Hesiod, in 8th century B.C.E, reminded us, "When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint."

Thanks, Hesiod.

 
Hmmm, sound like anyone in 2011?
 
In the much more modern era of 1274, A.D., Peter the Hermit was hand wringing in his hermit cave when he noted, "The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint… As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress."

 

Wow, wonder what those girls were wearing back in the 1200s?
 
We were told about hordes of teens and pre-teens running  wild in American city streets in the 1880’s, dodging authorities, "gnawing away at the foundations of society," as a commentator put it.
 
In 1963, they sang about the declining behavior of kids in the Bye Bye Birdy:
 
“What the devil’s wrong with these kids today?
  Kids!
 Who could guess the they would turn out that way!
 Why can’t they be like we were,
 Perfect in every way?
 
So, maybe it just comes down to the wisdom of the Talking Heads (1981) telling us…
 
“Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was.”

Paper Books & Traditional Media – Musings on Going Old School

by | Jul 8, 2011 |

Originally published as “Summer Rain and the Golf Shack – Going Old School”

Paper books and traditional media still have a tangible value, just like the wood they're made from.

Last night my friend Joel and I tried to get in a few holes of golf, but torrential rains led us back to the little shack that was trying to be passed off as a clubhouse, at this point – because Joel and I both wanted to continue to play golf, I kind of wish we brought all our different golf nets to have a little more fun indoors.

As we dried off, I noticed something you don’t see very often. Behind the counter a high school student wasn’t tapping on a smartphone or flicking through his iPad.

He was reading a book!

Seeing him reading took me aback for a second. I don’t see too many paper books in kids’ hands these days. I couldn’t stop myself and had to speak to him, “Wow, you’re reading a book,” I said to him, sounding almost stunned.

It turns out it was Edith Hamilton’s classic book on mythology, the same edition I had on my shelf for many years. “Yeah,” he said, “This book explains almost everything you need to know.” (Not only was he reading it, but he sounded enthusiastic.)

Summer rain. A kid reading paper books in a dumpy shack. It brings me back in time.

So old school.

On a related note, many mornings these days I see a 20-Something kid regularly in the local coffee shop. Whenever I see him, he is buying a coffee and a newspaper!!!!!! (Seriously, when was the last time you saw a 20-something kid buying a newspaper?)

I see this kid a lot and each time it throws when I see him with his coffee and newspaper. I am always tempted to say something to him kind of like I did with the kid in the golf shack, but refrain for fear he will think I am a strange old coot.

Talk about old school.

These two encounters jolted me back in time, leading me to bring back memories of senior year in high school in New York City.

We were allowed to leave the building during lunch. I did a lot. There was a deli on 16th St. and 2nd Ave in Manhattan. On most days, I got the NY Post (which was a very different paper back then) and head to the deli, where I read one great columnist after another. I am in heaven. The NY Post, Pete Hamill (my favorite columnist) and corned beef. It doesn’t get much better – except maybe when it is really raining and school is almost out for summer.>

Summer rains make you go old school.

School Bus Blues #1: “Riding Shotgun”

by | Jul 1, 2011 |

Nine year old Ashley was having a terrible time of it on the bus. For whatever reason, there were other kids who were always snickering at her. Once she gots on the bus, she sensed that they were always whispering things about her. 

She was never sure what the snickers were about, but she usually heard things like “fat,” “dorky,” and “she’s so gay, she still likes playing with pretty ponies.” Sometimes she got papers crumpled up and tossed at her or an occasional spit ball landing in her hair.   The bus driver wasn’t much help, nor was the bus aide. They never seemed to see anything and all they did was yell, which was totally ignored by the kids. 
When I spoke to Ashley about it, my sense was that she needed some kind of protection. But, what?
I then got the image of the old stage coach days and thought it might help if someone could ride “shot gun with bulk ammo” with her, someone like one of the tougher or “cooler” kids on the bus.  My theory was that if someone sat next to her who was a tougher type, that no one would mess with Ashley. The ridiculing would diminish. In fact it might just go away all together.
I asked my dad who was a retired principal at the time, what he thought.  I knew that the Ashley types were his “bread and butter,” and I wanted to run my idea by him. He really loved helping the “underdog kids,” but he also was really good with the “tough” kids and understood how to get them on board. Whenever he had situations like this, he would make a wonderful marriage of the two extremely different type of kids.   
When I told him about Ashley, here’s what he said:
“The principal can call in one of the tougher types on the on the bus (boy or girl) to ride stagecoach, like you say. 
The principal could say something like this to the kid: “Look, I need a big favor from you. (Tougher kids love it when you appeal to them for help.)   Ashley’s getting teased by a bunch of kids on the bus and they are making her life miserable. I wonder if you would be willing to sit next to her on the bus. I don’t want you to get into any fights or even to say anything to them – I just want you to sit next to her. For your help, we’ll work out a deal where you can get out of one of your classes once in a while for a free period. I think you’ll feel really good helping Ashley out.   What do you think?”   
That’s exactly the “shotgun strategy” that I was thinking about, and hearing this helped validate it for me, even if it was a bit unorthodox and perhaps a little “politically incorrect.”
After I spoke to the principal who agreed to give the strategy a shot, he appealed to a pretty tough kid named Angela to ride shotgun. Angela loved the idea.
There was no way that anyone would begin messing around with Angela.   Angela took her job very seriously.
Snickers stopped.
No more crumpled papers or spitballs flying toward Ashley. 
Everyone was happy.
All of this because a tougher kid agreed to sit next to one of the ones everyone was ridiculing.
Sometimes simple solutions, can have great impact.

 

Got the Cure for the Summertime Blues?

by | Jun 17, 2011 |

Aint no cure for the summertime blues.

Just saw a movie over the weekend called The Tree of Life. The movie was a metaphysical romp, depicting the universes creation from the big bang, through the dinosaurs to the present day. A good portion of the movie also focused on a family in the Midwest some time around 1955. (Brad Pitt was the father.)
The scenes centering on the family took place in the summer, much through the eyes of the three young boys of the family. One of the striking things was how much the boys played outside, from sun up to sun down without the hint of adult supervision or interference.
Sure the kids did some stupid things (or in the modern parlance, exhibited trouble with self-regulation and acted impulsively), like shooting a frog off on the back of a bottle rocket. But then, again, it was summer. They had to get into some trouble. What good would summer be without a little mischief? It was nice to see and contrasted powerfully with the ways in which kids spend most of their time these days. I’ve been trying to convince mine to cut down on the screen time by investing in some great outdoor toys for them, like trick scooters (I found some really helpful reviews on joinfuse) and water guns, which I’m going to surprise them with soon.
Maybe they can spend a few hours a day without adult steerage.
Maybe they can tromp around in a nearby swamp or pond. (OK, you can put little floaties on them if you are getting nervous.)
Maybe they can dig around in the dirt, roll around in the grass or catch a few frogs or fireflies in a jar. They can do this in their own back garden so it’s very easy for parents to organise, although they might need to visit https://www.lawncare.net/service-areas/pennsylvania/ for some lawn care tips afterwards!
Doing some of these “old school” summer activities might just cure a bit of the summertime blues.

“Step Right Up Folks” – Curing All Things Child

by | Apr 14, 2011 | ,

  “Step right up folks! Our unproven, unsubstantiated therapy and treatment are guaranteed to cure all things bothering you about your child. That’s right for the low fee, special offer of $3,499 over the next year, we will cure bed-wetting, ADHD, reading disabilities, and just plain child orneriness!!! All you have to do is plunk down your money (special 10% discount if paid in full up front) and bring your child in for special treatment – twice a week over the year, and you will see results in all things child. We also have a special deal on this nutrio-supplement that we offer at 60% off the retail price ($199) when you sign up for the therapy!!! This nutrio-supplement will get your child to stop bothering you at the dinner table and in restaurants. It might even cure sibling rivalry! That’s right folks. Step right up!!!!!!”

It seems that every five years or so there is a hot new treatment on the market that is guaranteed to cure ADHD, dyslexia, behavior issues and other child issues of concern. I have known parents to spend thousands of dollars for questionable, unproven therapies, only to have the child left in the same place he/she was in when the therapy was started.

Many of these therapies make no common sense and have little legitimate research support. In addition, they often present an indirect approach to address the problem. For example, if you want your child to learn to read better,  then target reading with sensible approaches that have been well field tested. Don’t go seeking alternative, roundabout means of developing reading skills.

There are no vitamin supplements or balance beam exercises that will develop phonics or reading fluency.

Takeaway Point

Before you try and cure all things child, be very careful!

Don’t be so quick to sign up for the cure!

(Adapted from “School Struggles,” by Richard Selznick, Ph.d. Sentient Publications: 2012)

 

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For a free 15 minute consultation with Dr. Selznick, email: contact@shutdownlearner.com.

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Musings From Happy Hour – Happy Birthday Mel!

by | Feb 19, 2011 | ,

It’s funny how things come together.

Friday afternoon I was partaking in end of the week “Happy Hour” at a local sports bar with Patrick Flanigan (see Patrick interview pg. 115 in Shut-Down Learner.) Also at the bar by chance was the father of Alex one of the kids who was an inspiration for the Shut-Down Learner (see Helen interview, pg. 127). (Alex is still angry with me for not having him on the cover of the book.)

Recently, Patrick did the photo shoot for Lloyd Stone, President of Manny Stone Decorators  (www.mannystone.com). Lloyd, a trade show designer who is tops in his field, is a boyhood friend from Staten Island. He was also instrumental in helping me shape ideas for The Shut-Down Learner, as Lloyd well understands what it means to be a visually-based person.

Patrick has a great eye as a photographer (www.flazzproductions.com). It was a wonderful match of two very talented visual-spatial people coming together the result of their involvement with Shut-Down Learner.

Patrick told me he was impressed with Lloyd’s respectful treatment of his customers. As we talked at the bar, Patrick’s words triggered off thoughts of my father, Mel, who influenced legions of kids from Staten Island, one of whom was Lloyd.

Mel (or Mr. Selznick to those who knew him in school) was principal at P.S. 22, assistant principal of IS 27, IS 69 and a teacher at PS 49. He was also very influential to an innumerable number of kids at the SI JCC. My dad was always fixated on “human relations,” having come up in an era where people actually discussed human relations in their coursework, in social agencies and education. Mel would have been 81 this past week.

Patrick said, “I wish I had the kind of experience when I was a kid that you and Lloyd had at the JCC and with your dad; it would have made a big difference in how I deal with people and in my confidence – but I am learning a lot and getting better at it. Just watching you and Lloyd has shown me a lot.” 

Patrick’s talk made me think about my dad and his emphasis on human relations.

I see my father in my mind’s eye. He is about 30. I am five or six. For his summer job he was director of a camp at the Edgewood Inn, a hotel in the Catskill Mountains. I see Mel in a pool with about 20 kids. Everyone is having a great time. There is controlled chaos. Mel is wildly splashing one boy who is having the time of his life, splashing my father back. The boy’s name is Marc. Marc is blind. It was an image and memory that always stayed with me.

Months afterward my dad got a thank you letter from Marc written in braille. Marc’s parents translated the letter and stated that Marc never had the experience of being just like all the other kids like he had that summer. They owed it to Mel’s instincts for including Marc, a blind boy who had never horsed around with others before in a pool.

Patrick’s talk and the fact that this past week would have been my dad’s 81st birthday, made me go back to the words of Harvey Araton, a kid from the Staten Island projects, later a columnist with the New York Times, who had written a tribute to the influence of Mel at the time of his passing away: 

 "He made me a kid from the West Brighton projects with few connections to the Jewish community at large, feel like a part of a family. He never once asked me if my dues were fully paid, which of course, they usually weren’t. When I knew it, when I walked in the building just hoping I wouldn’t be sent home, embarrassed in front of all these new kids in my life by whom I wanted desperately to be accepted, Mel would catch my eye and mouth the words, “Go get dressed.” The last thing this man would have done was send a kid home.

He took me in and he took my friends from the projects in, too. Didn’t matter to Mel if they were Jewish, white, black. They didn’t have any more money to spend at the Center than I did but they wanted to play, they wanted to belong. That was good enough for Mel who taught us a few things about compassion and inclusion.

A generation ago, when parents didn’t stand on the sidelines and scrutinize their children at play the way we do now, it was Mel who watched over us. He applauded our successes, consoled us when we failed. My father didn’t know much about sports but I will never forget the awards breakfast when Mel ticked off my achievements before calling me up to receive the Weissglass award (a JCC award). My father left the Center thinking his son was the Jewish Jim Thorpe. Poor guy. How was he to know that it was just Mel being Mel, the best advocate any of us ever had."

Long before 504 Plans, Special Ed Law, attorneys, medical doctors and psychologists, Mel understood inclusion and accommodations. He didn’t need it all documented. It was embodied in his actions. 

Patrick and I had another drink, sentimentally talking about Lloyd, Alex, Mel, the Shut-Down Learner and the connection of it all.

Too bad Mel wasn’t there. He loved happy hour and sports bars and I know he would have picked up the tab!

Happy 81st birthday, Mel. May you rest in peace.

No One to Play With

by | Feb 13, 2011 |

When I was coming up in this field as a young psychologist, I got my first job at the Hill Top Preparatory School, a renowned private school in the Philadelphia suburbs specializing in adolescents with learning disabilities.

Different than reading any chapter in a textbook, the kids taught me so much. One of the things that I have never forgotten was how much a learning disability impacted on social performance. We were also taught this lesson very clearly by the then Director of the School, Dr. Elissa Fisher.

Not judging consequences, blurting out unfiltered comments, acting impulsively, to name a few traits of those with learning disabilities, impacts greatly on how you get along with others. Dr. Fisher used to caution us – “Remember, if you have a 15 year old in front of you, think of them as being emotionally and socially much younger.”
 

Years later research on ADHD and LD validated this wisdom, by noting approximately a quarter to a third should be taken off a child’s chronological age in order to better understand the child’s emotional maturity.

A book that always stayed with me from that era was the one with the perfect title, “No One to Play With: The Social Side of Learning Disabilities,” by Betty Osman, which has been recently revised (amzn.to/g1OvUd).  Even though we have learned a lot since the mid-1980s when the book was published, everything that she said in the book is as relevant today as it was then.

Sadly, we often don’t consider enough the emotional/personal side of the LD experience and too many kids in school have “no one to play with.”
 

Left to their own, these children have trouble navigating the social waters around them. Back in the Hill Top days, the kids and the staff often had lunch together and casually socialized. The boundary between teacher and student blurred at times, but it was great fun and I think we (staff and students) learned lot. For some of the kids with social problems having a staff member they could “hang with” seemed to make a big difference in improving their social self-esteem.
 

I’m not sure I hear much of that type of thing going on in this era of outcome measurement and evidenced-based education. How do you measure  the impact having lunch with a kid has on his or her social and emotional development?
 

You don’t, really.
 

The impact is immeasurable.

LITTLE REMORSE AND NOT MUCH COMPASSION EITHER

by | Oct 1, 2010 |

As part of a typical assessment battery that I conduct with young adults (16 years and older), they are asked to define certain words. One of the more curious trends that I’ve observed in recent years is the difficulty that these young adults have defining two words on the test – "remorse" and "compassion."

Almost to a person, the definitions offered miss the mark. Understanding that "remorse" has some sort of negative tone, the definition given invariably leaves out the part about personal responsibility and the feeling of shame or regret. Definitions like, "Well, remorse is like feeling bad," are typical. (There is no mention of feeling bad about something you did).

For compassion, I frequently hear that compassion involves "love," leaving out that compassion involves empathy and an understanding of another’s feelings.

For quite some time I’ve been thinking about this and even wrote a rough draft of this blog a while ago, but never followed through with it.

Well, yesterday a young man committed suicide by jumping off the George Washington Bridge, seemingly the result of public humiliation.

Are we becoming a society that cannot define or understand two fundamental words, "remorse" and "compassion?"

Judging by the way I hear young people grope around in their attempt to explain these words, I think the answer may be obvious. The inability to put oneself in another’s shoes and feel compassion starts very young. So does the feeling of remorse.

Perhaps we should spend less time continually worrying about bolstering our children’s "self-esteem" (everyone’s preoccupation) or their SAT scores and more time engendering the ability to feel remorse and compassion and to understand what these words mean.

Just a thought.

17,000 TEXT MESSAGES THIS MONTH – “I Can Multitask!”

by | Sep 24, 2010 |

Kiera, age 16, has had a rough year in school. After receiving grades of D’s and F’s in most of her major subjects, Kiera’s parents have brought her to a variety of specialists. Different medications were prescribed and tried. "Train the brain" memory programs were completed at a price tag of $3500. Still the grades showed no sign of changing and Kiera’s parents felt frustrated and depleted.

"Well, we just don’t know what to do," Kiera’s parents stated. "She takes zero responsibility for herself. Also her ‘texting’ is out of control. Just last month she had over 17,000 text messages.

Let’s do the math.

For arguments sake, we’ll say that there are essentially eight free hours for the average high school student from the time they finish school (around 2:30) to the time they go to sleep. 8 hours = 480 minutes. 480 minutes X 30 ( the number of days in a month) = 14,400 minutes. I don’t know what the average length of time is for a typical text message, but it would certainly appear that young Kiera has used up a significant chunk of her unstructured time (not to mention that she’s probably texting throughout her school day) with her 17,000 monthly text messages.

When confronted by her parents, Kiera screamed, "I am great at multitasking. Leave me alone!!!!"

Back in May, I attended a wonderful conference on Learning and the Brain. One of the research findings that stuck with me was the mythology of multitasking. According to the findings, "multitasking" was noted to be a neurological impossibility. We may think we are good at multitasking, but the concept of doing different things at the same time simply does not exist.

Good luck explaining that to your child this year as she is texting her day away.

THE BLIND MEN & THE ELEPHANT: (Dissecting Childhood)

by | Jun 14, 2010 | ,

"It was six men of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the Elephant
Though all of them were blind,
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind."

The above comes from the parable of the Blind Men and the Elephant. A group of blind (or men in the dark) touch an elephant to learn what it is like. Each one touches a different part, but only one part, such as the side or the tusk. Of course, each describes the elephant quite differently from their perspective.

Sometimes I feel like we are doing the same with children.  Different professionals will identify a certain part of the “elephant” and recommend a treatment from that point of view. 

Recently a mom came in to discuss her very pleasant, but struggling 8 year old daughter, Samantha, who had seen many professionals over a two year period.

“So, what was recommended?” I ask.

“Since kindergarten we’ve been on this two year mission to help her,” the mom said.  “She just isn’t making progress in reading and the gap is widening.

We first saw an OT who felt there were “sensory issues.”  She felt Sam should get Interactive Metronome therapy.   Then we read about special colored lenses for reading and found a person in NY who specializes in tinted lens treatment, which she recommended for Samantha.  An audiologist then found a central auditory processing disorder and recommend that we go to her office for a year’s computer treatment to address the “auditory issues.”  The neurologist we saw wants her on medication.  Dietary supplements and spinal manipulation were recommended by the chiropractor.  Then there was the “train the brain” program offered at the nearby learning center.

I really have no idea what to do and am overwhelmed by all of this.  I just want her to learn how to read better. ”

If reading is the primary concern, then Sam’s mother should seek good reading instruction.  It’s common sense.

To hit a tennis ball better, you wouldn’t go for swimming lessons.  Why is reading any different? It’s a skill that can be taught and practiced. 

Maybe dissecting the elephant so much is not that helpful.

Tags:  Learning disabilities, Learning Therapies,  Parent Concerns

 

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