Parenting Misc

The Baby is Birthed!!!

by | Dec 15, 2023 | ,

I am excited to let you know that the new baby, “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids,” has been officially birthed!!!

After endless doing, redoing, tweaking, feeling frustrated with it, filing it away, bringing it back out again, I am excited to let you know that the baby has been officially and is now available.

To get the book, check it out on Sentient Publication’s website:   SENTIENT PUBLICATIONS.

You can also get it on Amazon or Barnes & Nobles:

Amazon:  AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE

Barnes & Noble:  BARNES & NOBLE

If you do get the book , I would appreciate your leaving a review..  (The reviews don’t need to be long.)

WORKSHOPS & Q & A CHATS If you’re a parent (or a grandparent)  who is interested in setting up an online talk/chat, please reach out to  others who may be interested so we can set something up.  Please email me at shutdownlearer1@gmail.com to discuss getting something off the ground

SOCIAL MEDIA: Behind the scenes we’ve been ramping up our social media presence, with fun videos, tidbit tips and other stuff:

Check out:

(Hover cursor over each link to activate.)

INSTAGRAM: INSTAGRAM – SELZNICK

FACEBOOK:    FACEBOOK SELZNICK – SHUTDOWN LEARNER PAGE

LINKEDIN:  LINKEDIN – SELZNICK

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YOUTUBE:   YOUTUBE – SELZNICK

Enjoy the holidays – Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all who celebrate.

Thanks for your support and being a follower of this blog.

See you in 2024.

 

“Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids”

by | Dec 1, 2023 | , ,

Exciting News!!!!!

Over the next few weeks, my latest book, “Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide For Parents of Challenging Kids” is scheduled to be released.

If you are a beleaguered parent or know a beleaguered parent, you might want to get a copy.

Here’s a link to the the full cover with the  endorsements:

(Click Here):  Beyond The Power Struggle 2023

Please spread the word and share.

“Beyond the Power Struggle” (Structure & Leverage)

by | Nov 17, 2023 | , , ,

As noted in the previous blog, with children showing challenging behaviors causing you tremendous stress, you were encouraged to adopt a mantra helping you remain in  your center, as you speak one “Didja” (e.g., “Didja you do your homework?”) after another.

The mantra  (“They need structure; I need leverage.”) is meant to keep things simple.

Of course, each child and family situation are different, but from what I can tell the leverage with modern kids really comes down to one thing – their screen usage.

Screen access (in whatever form) is the ruling passion, therefore it’s your leverage.

As I note in my soon to be released new book (yay!!!), “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids,”  without resorting to punishment you are encouraged to look at your child’s landscape of what they take for granted.

By about nine or ten or so, most kids have easy access to gaming systems, iPads, and many have their own phones.

For those children who are not sustaining mental effort, showing poor time management, ask yourself have they really earned the right to all of those screen distractions.  Are they really supporting your child’s “executive function deficits?”

While they gorge on Fortnite, TikTok or YouTube, and while you are exhausted trying to get your child to complete schoolwork or to do some reading  do you feel that things are out of whack?

My guess is the answer is a resounding, “Yes.”

Look at the family landscape.  What’s the structure?    Is it all one sided toward the child receiving pure pleasure while they give little in return?

Keep repeating, “They need structure! I need leverage.”

Feel free to make comment below.  To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email – rselznick615@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

“Boy, You’re in Hot Water”

by | Aug 18, 2023 | , ,

Recently, 8-year-old Marty showed some signs of misbehavior when his mom exclaimed, “Boy, you’re in hot water now.”

Marty started having a meltdown, screaming and crying, “I don’t want to be in hot water!!!!!!!  I  It will hurt me!!!”

Seven-year-old Marissa became upset after her mom told her that her dad was not going to be home for dinner because he was, “tied up in traffic.”  “Why are they tying him up,” Marissa cried? “What did he do?  Who’s tying him up???”

When Walter started to get frustrated with his math assignment, his dad told him, “Oh, come on Walter, it’s a piece of cake.”  Walter looked at his father like he had lost his mind, saying his math work was a piece of cake.  What did he mean by that?

Georgette came home from school upset that children were making fun of her on the school bus.  “OK, Georgette, tell me about it.  I’m all ears.”  Horrified, Georgette started picturing her mother growing ears on her head, which then shut the conversation down.  Her mother was simply too weird to talk to her about anything.

Freely interspersed within our everyday language, we sprinkle different expressions and other figurative language such as similes and metaphors.  Such language can be quite lively and descriptive.

For many children, though, they don’t readily translate and they have no idea what’s being said leading to a form of communication breakdown.

What’s the solution? It’s not to stop using them.

One answer is that you make sure you are aware of your usage with such language. If your child’s eyes start to glaze over in confusion, then back up and ask, “Do you know what that means?”  If not, then clarify.

Takeaway Point

Make no assumptions about figurative language.  Many children will have no idea what different expressions, similes and metaphors mean.

Use the opportunity for enhancing your child’s language facility.

Don’t miss that boat!

Strike while the iron is hot!

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To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email – rselznick615@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

“‘Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’t it)'”

by | Jul 7, 2023 | ,

Picking up on last week’s theme with Marla where we talked about her “anger issues (“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues’”), there were other interactions with the world telling a similar story.

A day or so ago, I was with our dog, Ella, in a pet store. Ella was on a pretty tight leash.

The same could not be said about the two children (probably age three and five) who surprised Ella (and me) from behind, wildly squeaking toys at her.

Worried about how Ella might react to the children surprising her, I firmly told the children to not get so close, while their mom stood idly by watching, but doing nothing.

The children seemed taken aback that I wasn’t applauding their antics.  The mom looked quizzical that there were boundaries being set. (It was like her internal computer programming was locked up with the concept of limiting her children – “This does not compute…This does not compute.”)

Thankfully, Ella was probably the most mature creature in the place (including me) and didn’t react.

Most interactions like this tell a larger story.  It doesn’t take much to reveal an underlying philosophy.  Usually, one picture tells many or in the wisdom that you may remember from the famous song by  Rod Stewart and the Faces, “Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’ it).”

It certainly did in this case.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues'”

by | Jun 30, 2023 | ,

One of my favorite kids, Marla, age 6, came in to see me.

Nearly six and going into first grade in the fall, I had tracked Marla since she was three. As the mental health professionals like to call it, Marla’s had issues with, “behavioral self-regulation.”

Marla’s difficulty with “behavioral self-regulation” usually appeared as her having difficulty keeping her hands to herself and frequently melting down when things were not going her way.

Marla came in to chat about summer camp, which was just starting.  Marla tells me that there is a counselor in her bunk who was assigned to her specifically “because of my anger issues.”

Marla’s frank statement of her “anger issues’ pulled me back a bit and I raised an inquisitive eyebrow and asked her, “Oh, yeah.  What are your anger issues?”

With a sly smile, she says very little and shrugs.

I encourage her to draw me her anger issues.  While Marla loves drawing, there was not much content that illustrated her anger issues.  I compliment her on the drawing.

I am not dismissing the idea that young kids like Marla can have “anger issues,” but there are a considerable percentage of kids who may not have anger issues, though it looks like it in how they behave and interact.

My interpretation of Marla’s “anger issues” was simple.

When she does not get what she wants Marla gets angry.  There was a small word that frequently results in Marla reacting poorly.   In short, Marla struggles with “no” and it makes her angry.

Too often, children like Marla are quickly diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication before understanding their difficulty coping with something like  the “no” word.

In Marla’s case a lot of work focused on both Marla and the way her parents managed her challenging behavior.

Over time Marla incrementally started to face reality that it wasn’t always going to go her way and that, yes, there is a no and you have to deal with it.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

 

“‘What’s the Matter With Kids Today?'”

by | Apr 7, 2023 | ,

“The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think nothing but of themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.”  (Peter the Hermit, circa 1250)

Well, since he was a hermit, perhaps he wasn’t tuned in to the leading technology of the day, so what did he know.

Many centuries before Peter, Hesiod also despaired about the future and the state of youth at the time:

“I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous young people of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words.  When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful) and impatient of restraint.” (Hesiod, 8th Century, BCE).

A few hundred years after Hesiod, Socrates, as quoted by Plato, started to document ADHD in the classroom and the challenges that the beleaguered teachers faced.

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; and they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, and are not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”  (Socrates,  circa 870 BCE)

(Man, can you imagine if those hooligans in Socrates’ time had iPhones!!!!!!)

Plato built on Socrates and started his own documenting of oppositional defiant disorders and conduct disorder.

“What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders. They disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying.  What is to become of them?” (Plato)

Takeaway Point

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

(***Please note:  All blogs represent the opinion and perspective of Dr. Richard Selznick.  Comments and questions are welcomed, but are blocked by the hosting site.  Please email questions or comments: rselznick615@gmail.com)  

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

“Theories & Hypotheses”

by | Mar 5, 2023 | ,

When you are a parent in struggling “Child Land,” there are all kinds of theories, hypotheses and explanations as to why children do what they do.

These hypotheses are revealed in statements made as to what is behind the child acting a certain way.

Let’s listen to some recent statements:

“Marla’s so unmotivated.  She just wants to do nothing.  It must be the medication wearing off.”

“My daughter is refusing to do her work –  we thought the Lexipro was working.”

“My son, marches to the beat of his own drummer –  he’s more of a creative type. Rules just aren’t his thing.”

And the beat goes on.

Things often not stated:

“I know my kid is manipulating us when he avoids his homework to go play video games.”

“Maybe the school is not the problem as to why she’s acting the way she is.”

“It’s not ok to say whatever you want in the class, even if you don’t like the work.”

“No one wants to invite Zach to their house or a birthday party; he never shares with the other kids and he has alienated them.”

What to do?

One step is to help kids recognize that choices made have built-in (natural) consequences.  (“If you don’t share, others will not want to play with you.  It’s that simple.”)

If we buffer kids from natural consequences, there will be no reason for them to learn from their mistakes and try a different approach.

 Takeaway Point

Double check your hypotheses and theories.

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Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

“‘What’s Your Mom Gut?'”

by | Feb 24, 2023 | ,

As part of the assessment process, I always conduct an interview (usually with the mom) to get an overview of the issues of concern.

Typically, there will be multiple disorders that have been raised by other professionals along with the parent diagnosing by Google.

A mom recently said something like the following:

“When I asked about dyslexia, the teachers raised the question of either dysgraphia or dyscalculia.”

“Phonological awareness/auditory processing disorder was raised by another.”

“My sister thinks he has an oppositional defiant disorder and is sure that there is an attention deficit disorder.”

“My therapist raised the issue of an emotional dysregulation disorder.”

“My husband thinks he is spoiled and just needs more discipline.”

At some point when I feel my eyeballs snapping as they often do when I am in the midst of “disorder speak,” I try and cut through it with a simple question:

“Without any psychological explanation, what’s your mom gut?”

Since no one’s asked the mom this question before, typically there is  a moment of being slightly surprised that someone wants her opinion stated in this way.

“Well, I think he has a reading problem and he hates doing it, because it embarrasses him.  He will do anything to get out of it.”

“Sounds pretty on point to me,” I respond.

Takeaway Point

I have learned to trust “mom gut” over the years.

About 99% of the time they are on the money.

(The dads are another story.)

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Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“In the Restaurant”

by | Feb 17, 2023 | ,

A favorite pastime of mine is  watching how parents and their children interact.  There’s never a shortage of blog material.  For people watching, there’s not much better than cafes and casual restaurants where families tend to congregate.

This week I hit a bonanza minding my business (mostly) reading a book while having dinner in a local restaurant.

The bonanza was the family of four that sat next to me maybe three feet away.

There was an older sister about 12 and her younger brother perhaps 9 years old.  The parents looked to be  in their upper 30’s to low 40s.

What caught my attention was the non-conversation that took place.

Glued to their phones it did not look like the kids said one word to each other or to their parents.

At some point, I thought the mom looked a bit exasperated, particular with her daughter.

My sense was the mom was trying to get the girl off her phone, but the curly lip sneer she got back basically shut down any attempt by the mom to engage.  (The dad was no help, looking helpless and ineffective as he watched his wife try and get the daughter off  her phone.  I think they had already given up on the son.)

Dinner arrived interrupting this non-interaction for about 10 minutes while the children plowed through their food as rapidly as possible to get back on their phones.  As far as I could tell not a sentence was spoken in any direction, although the mom looked annoyed as she seemed to be trying to light a fire under the father but to no avail.

My guess is that on Facebook or Instagram they are presented as the model family with everyone liking and thumbs upping their birthday, holiday and vacation pictures.

Well, they certainly were entertaining, but probably not in the way they might have thought.

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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