The “Anger River” often resides, unseen, beneath the “ADHD/Dyslexia Swamp.” Control battles, punishments and other attempts at compliance feed the river.
Homework is a great battleground that taps into the Anger River.
Often we have misguided notions of childhood with tapes running through our parent brain as to how how we should act as parents. Most approaches are reactively delivered in the heat of the moment. Typically, they don’t work, yet mostly because of parent brain we persist, going into automatic pilot.
Since it was not a major NYT bestseller, I will offer excerpts from my book, “Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Children,” in coming posts to offer a little perspective.
To try and address the Anger River and to make it less prevalent, here’s Rule #1:
Rule #1 Turn Down the Yelling
Yelling is reactive, emotional and very of the moment. When you feel angry or irritated, yelling is a natural human reaction, especially when your child is driving you up the wall and testing your patience.
Alternatively, staying in your center and maintaining a certain composure communicates much to the child who’s having a meltdown or being challenging.
With such an approach, you’re not taking the bait and getting into an emotional control battle. While your child is doing everything to get you to give them what they want, you’re just quietly going about your business. (It’s a great time to clean up the kitchen.)
At some point, the storm will pass.
Without saying it directly, your posture conveys, “I shall not be moved.” Your body language and nonverbal communication will speak more than words.
Takeaway Point
Yelling is a natural parenting strategy that is pretty ineffective. Try the opposite alternative. Firmly say nothing.
If you need some resolve, pull up the song, “I Shall Not Be Moved” by Mississippi John Hurt or Johnny Cash, among other great cover versions.)😊
(Adopted from, Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Children, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. 2023)