Executive Functioning

Being Trained By Your College Kid: Learning the Rules

by | Sep 14, 2011 |

My kid in college is teaching me how to behave. I keep messing up the rules, even though I am trying to be dutiful and behave appropriately.

So I asked him to write a rules manual so I could keep it with me and consult it often.

While he hasnt written the rules manual yet, so far here are the ones that I know that I know I must follow:

  1. Only text me (the college student) once every other day at the most. Any more than that is a serious infraction of the rules. (Didnt you tell me you used to phone home from college one time per week from a pay phone????? So, whats with all this texting?)
  2. Never, ever leave actual verbal messages on voicemail (unless you are being held hostage by kidnappers, and even then really think twice about leaving a message.) Why would I want to listen to a long droning message? It shows up on the cell phone that you called. If I listen to the message, and then call you back, Im hearing the same thing twice! Once is painful enough. You know what some companies have introduced is ringless voicemail, where a pre-recorded audio message is placed in a voicemail inbox without the associated telephone ringing first and you can listen to it when it is convenient.
  3. If, heaven forbid, you friend me on Facebook (and I deign to accept you), never, ever comment on my page. That is a serious rules violation. Better you never go on the page at all.
  4. Buy duct tape. Keep the roll of it in your pocket at all times. Be ready to place the tape over your mouth in the middle of the conversation as soon as I ask you to do so.
  5. If you need to call on the weekend (and really why would you when we probably already spoke the day before), never, ever, call me before 1:30 p.m.. If I sound groggy, dont ask questions; get ready with your duct tape.
  6. Make sure to transfer money into my account to keep me in the black. I mean, Thursday night is always an expensive night. – Parents needn’t fret when it comes to their children’s financial situation as they can help them secure student loans online by checking out SoFi. This company offers students and their parents low-rate loans with flexible repayment plans, meaning that there will be fewer money woes once they are graduated and in the world of work.

Follow these rules closely and you will only be minimally irritating. Break any one of them and you move immediately into the maximally annoying category and will need to be dealt with accordingly.

I am dutifully studying and trying to obey.

In the Neck Ache Business

by | May 26, 2011 |

Much of my professional life, I listen to moms who come in and tell me various and sundry things that the school has told them about their child. Hearing some of the things that the moms are told, I can feel my neck twinge.

Sometimes I can feel it twinge maybe five or six times per one hour session. That’s when I realized I need to go to a chiropractor.

When it’s really bad I sometimes I feel like a raccoon in a trap. (Yes, I know, my parents wanted me to go to dental school, but I had to do it my way and chose this career path.)

Just today my neck was twinging a lot. So much so, I’ve started researching some local chiropractor’s so that the twinge will go away. I came across First choice, which looks like a good chiropractor clinic but I haven’t found the time to book myself in just yet. My neck often twinges after hearing some of the things the mom had been told:
“We really don’t know what dyslexia is?” (Yes we do?)
“In all my years of teaching, I have never had a dyslexic child,” the mom was told by an experienced second grade teacher. (Yes, you have. In fact, you probably had about 20 30% of your class on the dyslexic continuum in any one of your classes)
“Spelling really doesn’t matter.” (Really???)
“The only thing in reading that matters is comprehension.” (Is that right? So, when the child sees a word like “porcupine” in the text and reads it as “prickopinny,” that’s ok because he/she got the gist of the story, somehow.)
“Only neurologists and psychiatrists can test for dyslexia, since it is a medical condition.” (You mean that a neurologist will give a broad battery of tests to assess dyslexia? Funny, I don’t know any who do that in my community.)
On and on it goes.
These quotes were just from the first session today that I had.
I need a heating pad.
I’m calling the chiropractor now.
Maybe I’ll apply to dental school.

Pain Avoiders in College

by | May 14, 2011 |

Many college kids that I know are rudderless ships, bobbing around at sea, avoiding pain at all costs. They gamble on pain and roll the dice. “Should I face the current pain of my school work, or put it off for a later date (or never).”  Many choose the latter.

The chickens “came home to roost” this week as colleges reported grades for this past semester.
 
So many kids who weighed the pain and avoided their current pain (going to class, handing in work), only to receive the later pain of failing the class were stunned. 
 
“I don’t know how I could have failed,” a young college student, James,  reported to me. “I did my work.”
 
James thought he was meeting his basic responsibilities. The reality is he probably handed in about 60% (at best) of the required work, and of the 60% handed in, most of it was  probably in the “C to D” range. At no point in the semester did he attempt to meet with his professors to try and see what he can do to make things better.
 
The truth is on a day-to-day basis, James kept avoiding pain. On average, James probably put in maybe an hour or two (at best) of work each week, even though he was carrying a full course load. Avoiding pain daily, James probably spent about 10 hours or more a day on the internet or playing video games.
 
Another young man that I know was dropped off on campus each day by his parents, only to avoid going to class, choosing instead to go to the computer lab and hang out on Facebook and a range of other entertainment sites. 
 
The internet is a safe haven for these pain avoiders. Facebook can be quite the narcotic when there is all this painful stuff like schoolwork out there to deal with. The soothing blue tones on the Facebook page are much more pleasing than the harsh white page of a Word document staring at you with no words on the page.
 
504 Plans and various services are available on all campuses, but unless the kid makes an active decision to take responsibility for his or her own learning, the accommodations are essentially meaningless. The two students mentioned above, did not avail themselves of any accommodations or services.
 
Having a floppy rudder makes college a very difficult place, indeed.
 
There are endless ways to stay in the shadows and avoid the pain.
 
 

 

“Hot Cross Buns” & Dolly Madison

by | Jan 28, 2011 |

Recently I did a workshop called, Bullies, Victims and Parents: A Complicated Brew.  Never one to be shy on offering my opinions, I sometimes find myself going against current "political correctness." When I presented my notion that we try and help the victim-types (or shark chum) become more self-aware in their social interactions so that they don’t hand it over to the more aggressive-types (or sharks), some in the audience got upset with me. They felt that I was putting too much on the "victims."

A couple of examples may illustrate.

Young Peter, age 10, is really into Yugioh cards. In fact,  his interest is a near obsession. Not only does he bring his Yugioh cards to school, he also wears a Yugioh ocarina around his neck quite proudly. Recently, in a session with me he played the ever popular tune "Hot Cross Buns" on his ocarina.

What I said to Peter was something like the following after we discussed some of the trouble he was having with kids making fun of him:

"Look, I think your Yugioh cards are great and you can come in and tell me about every one of them, but the fifth graders around you are probably going to make fun of you because they think Yugioh cards are babyish. I’m not saying they are right, but that’s the reality. You can also come in and play your ocarina any time you want and I will be a very appreciative audience. But I’m telling you, if you bring the ocarina to school, you’re going to get hammered."

Peter got the idea.

Then there was Brandon, expert extraordinaire on Presidents’ wives. It certainly was impressive that he knew what gown Dolly Madison wore to the inaugural ball and that he even knew who Millard Fillmore was, no less President Fillmore’s wife’s name. Even so, I gave him the same talk as Peter’s. Effectively, I coached him to choose his audience selectively when displaying his vast knowledge of presidents’ wives.

When I told these stories to parents in the workshop, some were upset that I was "blaming the victim," and not valuing or honoring the child’s uniqueness.

Funny, I greatly value kids’ unique qualities, but I also have my feelers out for when some of these qualities may be getting them into social hot water. (It’s a tough shark pool out there.)

While they thought I was guilty of blaming the victims, I thought I was empowering them by helping to read the social signals better.

To keep some of the sharks at bay, my money has "Hot Cross Buns" and Dolly Madison staying home!

What’s your view?

 

INSIDE THE HEAD OF A BOY WITH A LEARNING DISABILITY!!!!!

by | Sep 17, 2010 |

You’re a 10 year old boy with a learning disability. This learning disability stuff is very tough. Every day you look around the room and see people finishing tasks quickly, getting smiles from the teacher for all the work handed in on time. You don’t get those smiles. Writing is particularly galling to you, because you just don’t get it – it’s so hard. When the teacher starts off the day stating, “Now take out your journals,” you just want to run away.

You don’t know how to get started in your journal. The teacher says to “just write what you feel,” but you have no idea how you feel. The words on the page bleed into one another. No one can read it. Not even you. Meghan sitting next to you keeps making those stupid snickering faces when you write.

Topic writing is worse than journals. Not only is it all so messy, but you have no idea how to get started, and it all takes so long. Meghan sitting next to you was completely done before you had one sentence (a bad one at that) down. Worse, topic writing goes on the bulletin board. The last paper you handed in was such a mess. You can’t stand to see your writing up on the bulletin board. “Why do they have to put that junk up on the board?” you wonder.

At home you’re sitting nearby when you hear a bit of tension between your parents. You think you heard your mother saying something to your dad, “but he has a 504 Plan,” and, “He can take as much time as he likes. Why can’t he just get it done?”

On hearing this you think to yourself, “What is this 504 Plan anyway? I wonder if it has anything to do with those wires they put on my head a few weeks ago in the doctor’s office to test out my brain waves. Now, that visit really helped my self-esteem. Wires on my head! Brain waves! Yeesh! Take as much time as I like for writing!!!!  Who wants more time???? I hate writing. I don’t want to take more than one minute for journal. Are they kidding me? Do it tonight if I can’t finish. I can’t stand Meghan. She was already on the worksheet and I hadn’t even started the journal. 504 Plan??? They want me to take twice as long to do a bad job. I’d like to see them spend hours on something only to get a grade of a D or an F.”

“Well, tomorrow’s another day.”

PUTTING FUEL IN THE SHUT-DOWN LEARNER TANK

by | Dec 19, 2009 |

I know.  It’s heading into those dark days.  Kids don’t want to get out of bed.  Homework’s becoming a misery.   As the weather gets colder, the household tension meter is rising.

If you can, try if you can to step back a little from all of the academic tensions and turn down the heat of the household. Your kids are probably feeling overwhelmed by the ever exciting  and growing mountain of worksheets that they can barely handle.  In short, they need support.

For many kids school is an ongoing grind. The ever present delayed gratification (do well in elementary school – so you’ll be ready for middle school – which will get you in better shape for high school – that will help you get into college – then later professional school – so one day you will have a good job)  doesn’t work so well for our Shut-Down Learner heroes and heroines. They burn out much quicker than the others who accept the delayed gratification formula.

Going into the New Year, resolve to try and do something with your kids that’s just fun. Play a couple of UNO games or a game of Trouble  (Those games don’t take long!!!) or find some arts and crafts project to do with your child. Recently, I bought a world geography coloring book and found it to be good therapy (for myself).  There are many of those on the market that are fun for adults and kids alike. Many kids would like doing something as simple as coloring with you – even older kids, believe it or not.

If you have a spouse, get him (yes, I know I am making an assumption here) off the computer and tell him to play a game with the kids too.  It doesn’t have to be a big affair like Monopoly – a five minute game works fine.

Kids need emotional fuel to tackle the drudgery they perceive about school.  Emotional fuel is particularly essentialfor those kids that don’t derive much gratification from their efforts. You don’t have to do these “fun activities” every night, but finding the time to play some games or interact over non-electronic activities puts some emotional fuel back in their tank.

Happy holidays to all and a happy and healthy New Year.

 

The School Keeps Saying “Stay Out – They Have to Do It On Their Own”

by | Jul 2, 2009 |

By the upper elementary school grades, the message parents often get from the school is their child needs to do schoolwork on his/her own without parental support. For many children (those that can do work on their own), that’s exactly what should be happening.

Such children write their assignments down, take out their assignment book at home, do what they have to do for the evening, plan for the amount of time it will take, and stay with the task without too much interruption. When finished, the assignment goes back in the book bag for the next day. The child hands in her work the next day and hands it in without too much strife.

How nice!

Sometimes I feel like I can lead a parade of families of children who are the opposite of what is being described. Such children have tremendous difficulty getting started on a task and sustaining effort. For these children, telling parents that the children are old enough and need to do it on their own, leads to considerable frustration.

Much of my professional time is spent trying to coach parents in understanding how challenged their child is with regard to these issues. Too often, parents will fall to, "she’s just not trying hard enough."

The child’s problems are seen entirely in motivational terms.

The point is not to view the child as overly disabled or handicapped. However, looking at the skills of initiating, organizing and planning, the fact is many kids start to show these skills pretty well by middle school, but many do not. For those who do not, the ritual battles that ensue on a nightly basis can be horrific.

When the child has great difficulty with a sports skill, such as hitting a baseball, the mentality should not be "well you’re 11, you should be able to hit a baseball." The appropriate mentality would be conveyed by a supportive and patient coach – "Hey, let’s take our time. Let’s break this down. Let’s make this simpler for you. Let’s practice this at an easier level, so that you can start to hit a baseball."

The same mentality should apply to children and their organizational deficits.

Tags: learning disabilities, executive function deficits, organizational problems, shut down learners

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