Modern Childhood

Somewhere along the way, guilt or feeling badly about something one has done, has gotten a bad name.

This may be due to the fact that earlier generations of parents inflicted heavy doses of guilt on their children, often in front of others.

As a reaction to this prior generation’s approach, parents began to believe that children should not feel bad or guilty about their actions, even egregious ones.

Guilt was considered a psychologically damaging emotion to be avoided at all costs, as children who experienced guilt would then become self-doubting and insecure.

In contrast with this view, I think there is some value in letting children feel bad or guilty for doing something wrong. (I can hear the howls of protests as I write this.)  As with other negative feelings  it can be healthy to allow your child to experience guilt, as long as it’s done right without adding too much guilt or negativity on top.

There’s an old grandma saying from the way back world that applies here: “Let them stew in their juices.” In other words, let the person feel bad about what they did, to feel guilty and learn from the experience.

While it may not be popular currently, on some level it may be helpful to allow children to reflect on their actions and feel guilty if that is the natural effect of a bad decision.

If, on the other hand, you do not permit your child to feel the impact of a negative choice, little learning takes place.

(***Adapted from:  Beyond the Power Struggle: A Guide for Parents of Challenging Children,  Richard Selznick, Ph.D.)

One of my favorite kids, Sam, came in to see me recently.

Nearly six and starting first grade, I’ve been tracking Sam since he was three. Sam’s had issues with what was being called, “behavioral self-regulation.”

Mostly, Sam had difficulty coping with the word “no.”

We chatted about how he did in camp.   He told me that he had a counselor assigned to him becasue of his “anger issues.”

I was a bit taken aback by a six-year-old so freely about referring to his “anger issues,” and I raise an inquisitive eyebrow and ask him, “Oh, yeah?  What are your anger issues?”

Shooting me a sly smile, he doesn’t have much of a response and just shrugs.  I encourage him to draw me a picture of his anger issues.  While Sam loves drawing, there was not much content to discuss with him or his mom.

In truth, I really didn’t  know if Sam had anger issues.  I do know that as reported by his parents, whenever they say “no” to him or set a limit like telling him to get off of his screens, he has a meltdown.

Look, I’m not dismissing the notion of a young kid having “anger issues,” but there are a considerable percentage of children like Sam who may not have anger issues, although it may look like they do in the way they behave and interact.

My interpretation of Sam’s “anger issues” is pretty simple – he’s angry when he doesn’t get what he wants (when he wants).  In other words, he finds “no” to be something he has trouble handling.

As we continue chatting, Sam tells me he calls his mother “stupid” sometimes. He knows it’s wrong, but he gets mad at her when she doesn’t indulge his every whim. (Of course he doesn’t tell me that, but that is what I piece together.)

I try and bring a dose of reality to his head, making it clear that he, “Can’t always get what he wants.”

Sam listens (sort of).

I bring his mom in to join the chat. We talk about not giving in to Sam’s fits and trying to strengthen her resolve by setting clear limits.

It’s not an easy process, but as Sam deals more and more with reality, he will get better over time (and so will his mom).

Takeaway Point

Don’t be so ready to assume that your kid has “anger issues” when he’s having trouble coping with the “no word.” Simpler explanations are often the best route for understanding your child.

In many households there are temperamentally rigid and inflexible children who cause a great deal of distress. With their limited coping skills, such children become quite volatile and reactive to frustration.

Jeff and Rose are the bleary eyed parents of three children.  Their older two, ages eleven and nine are  pretty flexible.  Essentially, they go along with the program and are able to handle the curveballs that are thrown at them.

Not young Sophia, age seven, who almost always goes against the grain.

If the family is going in one direction, she wants to go the opposite way. If the family wants to go to McDonald’s, she wants Burger King. If the family wants to play a board game, she wants to do something else.

Additionally, when Sophia encounters even the slightest frustration or when parents say “no” to something, she has major meltdowns.

Two recent stories illustrate why her parents are so bleary eyed.

The other night while Jeff was helping Sophia with her homework, she insisted on writing a capital L in the middle of the word, even if a capital letter was not appropriate, such as in the word “fiLm.”  Even though Jeff tried to correct her, Sophia refused the correction, becoming extremely agitated, screaming and crying when her father insisted that she change the letter in the word.

Another example was related to  a change in the afternoon routine. Sophia was very used to her routine of being picked up and going straight home after school, where she then enjoyed watching her favorite television show and having a hot chocolate.  This was the daily ritual.

But upon being picked up at school on a recent afternoon, Sophia’s mother informed her that they could not go home right away because they had to pick their dog up from the groomer. Sophia went ballistic, screaming and crying about missing her television show.

What to do? Sorry, there are no easy answers, but there are things to keep in mind.

Recognize that it is not all parenting and that there are children who are temperamentally rigid and inflexible.  In the case of Sophia, there were two children before her who were flexible and easy-going who were essentially raised the same way.

Another thing to be wary of,  is to not to readily fall to “disorder” thinking, as many practitioners will do.  It’s simply too easy to “diagnose” Sophia as “ADHD” after completing a rating scale at the doctor’s office.

Finally, as difficult as it might be, try and not add fuel to the fire by reacting emotionally to a situation.  Simple reactions given non-emotionally will let things play out.

With Sophia, a simple shrug and an “Oh, well” is better than yelling back at her or trying to offer rationale explanations about the dog at the groomer, or any other triggering situation.

Takeaway Point

No matter what you do, these kids ain’t easy!

So much of a child’s world can be framed in an ongoing series of different skills.

For example, some kids have the “skill of” saying hello and greeting someone they meet for the first time.  Others may have the “skill of” manners in social interactions by saying “please” and “thank you” – things like that.   These skills of greeting someone or using social manners do not happen naturally.  They are learned and practiced over countless repetitions,

What happens when we shut off the ability to practice these skills? Then there are lost opportunities and the skills simply do not develop.

Marnie, a five year, old came to my office accompanying her mother who wanted to talk to me about her older sister, Jocelyn.  When I went out to greet the mom, Marnie was on some type of head set connected to a small screen device.  Marnie never looked up, never said hello. The opportunity was lost for that small social pleasantry and interaction of putting out my hand to greet Marnie and ask her a couple of questions about her world.

Marnie continued to spend the whole time quietly with her head set on, swiping her fingers across the screen.  I did not exist as a human being.   There was lost opportunity (for both of us) to practice the “skill of” social interaction.

Later in the day I went to “Saladworks” for lunch.  A 20-something was in front of me on line.  As she placed her order, “I’ll have spinach… I’ll have olives…turkey….banana peppers…” I was struck by the fact that there was no “please” or “thank you” mixed in that salad.  The person behind the counter dutifully filling up the woman’s salad bowl did not exist to her.  There was no real human or polite social interaction.

Maybe the 20-something was just an older Marnie, someone who never had the opportunity to practice essential skills.

There are continual opportunities to practice the “skill of ___________ ” (fill in the blank).  Out of expedience parents may be cutting off these opportunities.

It certainly is easier having Marnie completely quiet and transfixed on a screen than deal with the usual five-year-old behaviors.

It just seems that something is off, though,

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.