Modern Childhood

“‘I Have Anger Issues'”

by | Oct 10, 2025 | ,

One of my favorite kids, Sam, came in to see me recently.

Nearly six and starting first grade, I’ve been tracking Sam since he was three. Sam’s had issues with what was being called, “behavioral self-regulation.”

Mostly, Sam had difficulty coping with the word “no.”

We chatted about how he did in camp.   He told me that he had a counselor assigned to him becasue of his “anger issues.”

I was a bit taken aback by a six-year-old so freely about referring to his “anger issues,” and I raise an inquisitive eyebrow and ask him, “Oh, yeah?  What are your anger issues?”

Shooting me a sly smile, he doesn’t have much of a response and just shrugs.  I encourage him to draw me a picture of his anger issues.  While Sam loves drawing, there was not much content to discuss with him or his mom.

In truth, I really didn’t  know if Sam had anger issues.  I do know that as reported by his parents, whenever they say “no” to him or set a limit like telling him to get off of his screens, he has a meltdown.

Look, I’m not dismissing the notion of a young kid having “anger issues,” but there are a considerable percentage of children like Sam who may not have anger issues, although it may look like they do in the way they behave and interact.

My interpretation of Sam’s “anger issues” is pretty simple – he’s angry when he doesn’t get what he wants (when he wants).  In other words, he finds “no” to be something he has trouble handling.

As we continue chatting, Sam tells me he calls his mother “stupid” sometimes. He knows it’s wrong, but he gets mad at her when she doesn’t indulge his every whim. (Of course he doesn’t tell me that, but that is what I piece together.)

I try and bring a dose of reality to his head, making it clear that he, “Can’t always get what he wants.”

Sam listens (sort of).

I bring his mom in to join the chat. We talk about not giving in to Sam’s fits and trying to strengthen her resolve by setting clear limits.

It’s not an easy process, but as Sam deals more and more with reality, he will get better over time (and so will his mom).

Takeaway Point

Don’t be so ready to assume that your kid has “anger issues” when he’s having trouble coping with the “no word.” Simpler explanations are often the best route for understanding your child.

“10 Whys”

by | Jun 20, 2025 |

Here are 10 “Whys” that I don’t have ready answers for:

1).  Why are 504 Plans templated?  Shouldn’t they be made specifically for each child.  Every 504 I’ve ever seen has “extra time,” for example.  What if the child doesn’t need extra time?

2) Why teach phonics if the child has mastered decoding?  About 75% of children by middle second grade have learned how to read.  The last thing they need are phonics?

3)  Why “kick the can down the road” when there are strong identifiers of problems in 1st grade.  Delaying intervention is almost never good practice.

4) Why do we think a reading problem (i.e., dyslexia) is a medical condition?  Do you know any pediatric neurologists who are giving a battery of reading tests?

5)  Why do we think most behavior issues are due to a neurological condition that requires medication?

6) Why do we not remember that if the child has trouble with reading, spelling and writing, the likelihood is the child will feel anxious when they see others who can do what they can’t?

7) Why do we allow children to spend endless hours on a tablet/screen/phone, and then get upset when school scores are poor?

8)  Why do we not remember the phone is yours, not your child’s?

9) Why would you think your child is doing something like schoolwork when they are secluded in their room for hours on end?

10)  Why do we not consider that the vast majority of boys from about the age of 8 or so have all the hallmark features of “executive function deficits?” In other words, most boys are not steering their boat..

I can easily come up with about 50 more “whys,” but this is good enough to stir the pot.

Opposite & Challenging

by | May 30, 2025 | ,

In many households there are temperamentally rigid and inflexible children who cause a great deal of distress. With their limited coping skills, such children become quite volatile and reactive to frustration.

Jeff and Rose are the bleary eyed parents of three children.  Their older two, ages eleven and nine are  pretty flexible.  Essentially, they go along with the program and are able to handle the curveballs that are thrown at them.

Not young Sophia, age seven, who almost always goes against the grain.

If the family is going in one direction, she wants to go the opposite way. If the family wants to go to McDonald’s, she wants Burger King. If the family wants to play a board game, she wants to do something else.

Additionally, when Sophia encounters even the slightest frustration or when parents say “no” to something, she has major meltdowns.

Two recent stories illustrate why her parents are so bleary eyed.

The other night while Jeff was helping Sophia with her homework, she insisted on writing a capital L in the middle of the word, even if a capital letter was not appropriate, such as in the word “fiLm.”  Even though Jeff tried to correct her, Sophia refused the correction, becoming extremely agitated, screaming and crying when her father insisted that she change the letter in the word.

Another example was related to  a change in the afternoon routine. Sophia was very used to her routine of being picked up and going straight home after school, where she then enjoyed watching her favorite television show and having a hot chocolate.  This was the daily ritual.

But upon being picked up at school on a recent afternoon, Sophia’s mother informed her that they could not go home right away because they had to pick their dog up from the groomer. Sophia went ballistic, screaming and crying about missing her television show.

What to do? Sorry, there are no easy answers, but there are things to keep in mind.

Recognize that it is not all parenting and that there are children who are temperamentally rigid and inflexible.  In the case of Sophia, there were two children before her who were flexible and easy-going who were essentially raised the same way.

Another thing to be wary of,  is to not to readily fall to “disorder” thinking, as many practitioners will do.  It’s simply too easy to “diagnose” Sophia as “ADHD” after completing a rating scale at the doctor’s office.

Finally, as difficult as it might be, try and not add fuel to the fire by reacting emotionally to a situation.  Simple reactions given non-emotionally will let things play out.

With Sophia, a simple shrug and an “Oh, well” is better than yelling back at her or trying to offer rationale explanations about the dog at the groomer, or any other triggering situation.

Takeaway Point

No matter what you do, these kids ain’t easy!

From the Archives: 12-Year-Old Boy Truths

by | Apr 11, 2025 |

(***Had thought about answering some emails regaring  the last few posts, but life got in the way. So I thought I would pull one out from the archives.)
————————————————————–
Since I was once a 12 year old boy (in the far recesses of time), let me tell you some age-old truths that apply to most (not all) of those on the boy side of the equation:
1)      We don’t care about homework.
2)      We don’t like to write.
3)      We mature very, very slowly.
4)      We don’t handle frustration very well.
5)      Our work habits are sloppy.
6)      We hate to be controlled.
7)      We can’t stand doing our homework as soon as we get home (really ever).
8)      We don’t like our sisters who seem to not having any problem with this stuff.
9)      We have a lot more important stuff to do, like saving the world on video games.
10)   We’re not interested in “accommodations.” Please stop talking about 504 whatevers. What is a 504 Plan anyway???
11)   We don’t respond well to study skill coaching.
12)   We really don’t like our grades checked on the internet every day.
In spite of these truths, most of us grow up (sort of), albeit on very different timetables than the more mature members of our species.
Mark Twain had it down. Reread “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” or “Tom Sawyer. “
Not much has changed.

Screens, Distractability & ADHD

by | Mar 27, 2025 | ,

“Children surrounded by fast-paced visual stimuli  at the expense of face-to-face adult modeling, interactive language, reflective problem- solving, creative play, and sustained attention may be expected to arrive at school unprepared for academic learning—and to fall farther behind and become increasingly “unmotivated” as the years go by.”
― Jane M. Healy, Endangered Minds: Why Children Don’t Think and What We Can Do About It

I go out to the waiting room to greet young Marissa, age seven, a first grade child who is coming in for an assessment because her school thinks she is having trouble “paying attention.”

“Hi Marissa,”  I say in an upbeat style that usually gets kids engaged and comfortable.

Marissa does not look up.

Her iPad is far more captivating than saying hello to this new person. To Marissa I don’t exist. The mom tries to get Marissa to say hello, but she’s not budging for her either.

We go back and I offer Marissa some toys (old school ones in a box – you know, different figures, animals, cars and trucks) and markers that she shows no interest in playing with or coloring.

Again, her iPad is holding her riveted.

(I flash on Gollum in Lord of the Rings – ”My precious, my precious,” as he would stroke the ring. I think Marissa may start doing the same with the iPad – ‘My precious…my precious.’)

Marissa’s mom, Beth, starts talking about Marissa’s focusing difficulties.

She says, “I worry that it’s all the screens. She gets in the car and the TV is on the seat panels. She can’t even go three minutes without it on. When we get to the restaurant, she demands the iPad. We give it to her – maybe it’s helping her visual skills, I don’t know. At night she never wants to play, even though we try and play games with her. When kids come over, all they want to do is have iPads.  They really don’t play with each other.   The school thinks we need to see a doctor to consider medication for her focusing.”

I don’t want to sound like an old head, but Jane Healy hit it on the head in the above quote.  (Keep in mind Jane Healy wrote Endangered Minds in 1999.)

Skills need to be taught, developed and practiced over time to be internalized.There is a skill to greeting someone in the waiting room. There is a skill to playing with toys or interacting in a restaurant.

If we don’t give kids a chance to practice these skills, the skills will not develop.

It’s as simple as that.

Detox them.

Be firm. Be brave.

Cutting Through the Delusions

by | Feb 28, 2025 | ,

Many of the kids I talk to seem to be fairly delusional about school.

Somehow they have gotten the notion that school should be this fun, Candyland-type of experience and when it is not, they are, well,…outraged.

13-year-old Liam offers a litany of complaints about the horror of a class that he is failing because the teacher isn’t fun.  It didn’t seem to register to Liam that his failure may be related to his not getting his homework completed.  Hours per evening were spent on video games, largely ignoring anything related to school.

When discussing his poor grades, there was no looking in the mirror for Liam.  It was all the teacher’s crimes of how boring she is and how he hated her class.

In the middle of his going on how horrible school was because it wasn’t fun,  I stopped him mid-sentence and said something like the following:

“Wait!   Stop.  I can’t listen anymore.  You’re delusional (said jokingly).  When was school ever fun? Since at least the 1700’s school has always been a pain in the rear end (said differently), so why should it be any different now?”

Liam looked at me somewhat bemused, not expecting me to be challenging him this way.

I ask Liam to translate what I was saying to see if he  got the message.

Laughing, Liam says, “School sucks and it always sucked.”

“Brilliant analysis,” I animatedly yell out.

In spite of that, Liam  continues to tell me the horror of his teacher and why the class is so terrible.  He continues  trying to convince me that all of the reasons why he is failing were due to the teacher and the way the class is run.

Again, I stop him mid-sentence.

“It’s totally irrelevant how boring she is.  Your job is to get your stuff done.  Between now and the end of high school you are going to have plenty of boring teachers.  It’s the law of averages.  It’s the way it is. Are you going to fail every boring class?”

Liam seemed to get it, at least for the moment.

Takeaway Point

Grounding kids in the “law of averages” is an important step in helping them face certain realities.  It’s not easy, as their delusions run pretty deep, but chiseling away a little at a time can start to shift the balance.

 

Venting My Spleen (Once Again)

by | Jan 30, 2025 | , , ,

Those of you following this blog for some time know there are some recurring themes in these posts.  Frequently, the blogs are my outlet for getting things off my chest that  frequently come up in my interactions with parents.

If you’re a relative newcomer, I will help to bring you up to speed with some of the predominant ones:

  1. The LD-Discrepancy Model: Easily the number one issue that gets under my skin is the LD-Discrepancy model used in many states (New Jersey being one) to classify children in special education as learning disabled.  I discussed it in a previous blog post   (LD Discrepancy Post) , but if if you need a primer on the LD-Discrepancy model, this is a great overview from Understood.org:  Understood.Org Discrepancy.
  2. Pathologizing Childhood: Not all child problems are neurobiological (i.e., “brain-based”) disabilities.   Some issues are just kids being kids. (Please see my blog on boy executive function deficits:  (Boy Executive Function Blog ).  Also, sometimes the material being given to them is inappropriate to their level of reading ability.  That is not a neurological problem (i.e., “dyslexia)   It’s a curriculum issue.
  3. “Diagnosing” ADHD Based on Small Data: Checking a few items (e.g., “Easily distractible….Inattentive, etc.”) on a rating scale like the Vanderbilt given in the pediatrician’s office is not enough.   There are a multitude of factors that could be producing the distractibility.  Many of these factors should be understood before putting a child on medication for ADHD
  4. “We can’t diagnose dyslexia – you need to see a neurologist.” Parents are reflexively told this by the school based on school regulations when they raise concerns of dyslexia.   Seriously, how many neurologists that you know give a battery of reading, spelling and writing tests that are necessary to assess dyslexia?  At its core, dyslexia is a reading, spelling and writing problem.  How can this be determined without a battery of reading (and writing) measures?  Stop telling parents it is a medical condition.
  5. “This or That Thinking:” “I just want to get to the bottom of it, ” parents will say.  “I just don’t know if it’s ADD or laziness.”   The problem as I see it is that there rarely is a bottom.  The truth is, it’s almost never,  “this or that.”  With most kids it’s almost always, “this and that and that.”
  6. Overplaying 504 Plans: Listen up, gang. The reality of 504 Plans can only do so much.  504s do not offer services, but basic accommodations (e.g., extended time, repeating directions, etc.).
  7. “Hey, Bud” Parenting: I hate to break the news to parents out there, but they are your children.  You don’t set limits with your buddies.  You set limits with children.
  8. Screen Addicts: I get it.  Times change.  I don’t get the newspaper delivered any more.  I have my phone with me most of the time, and am in a froth when I can’t locate it.  With that said, kids care about little else other than their screens.   They are becoming addicted.   We’re not facing it.

 Takeaway Point:  I understand that some may think that I am just saying these things because I am at the “get off my lawn” stage of life.  Maybe it’s compounded by that fact, but I have been repeating these themes to parents for many years, well before my current age/stage.

(Perhaps getting it off my chest helps –  it’s still cheaper than real therapy!!!)

Inside Out 2 Helps Kids Label Their Emotions – Is That a Good Thing?

by | Oct 18, 2024 | ,

When working with children sometimes I think there’s a “Brave New World” aspect to things that come up. Many examples come to mind, mostly related to the use of technology (e.g., Google Classroom, artificial intelligence, etc.).

A recent Brave New World experience hit me that had nothing to do with technology.

One of my favorite kids, 9-year-old Brody, started talking to me about his sense of “ennui.”

When he used the word “ennui” I almost fell off my chair.

“Ennui!!!!” I almost shouted. Having never heard an adult, let alone a child, use the word “ennui,” I joked with him that I was “gobsmacked” with his use of the word. (He didn’t know what that meant, of course, so I explained it.)

“Where’d you learn that word?” I asked Brody.

“It’s in the movie ‘Inside Out 2.’ Have you seen it?” he asked.

Not in touch with any popular culture, I sheepishly told him I didn’t know of it.

He then explained how the movie labels emotions within the main character.

“So, do you think you have ennui?” I ask.

“Maybe sometimes. But, I think I’m pretty exuberant, sometimes too exuberant – it gets me in trouble,” he tells me. (An interesting word that he also learned from “Inside Out 2.”)

Separately, there was 8-year-old Angie who stated she thought she was “depressed.”

While not falling out of my chair, I was taken a bit aback, as she never struck me as depressed.

“Why depressed? What’s that about?”

“Well, sometimes I get a little sad,” Angie told me. “Maybe I’m depressed.”

These conversations made me reflect on children labeling of these emotions. Most mental health professionals would probably cheer a child’s ability to utilize these words to describe feelings.

My only pushback is that I wonder whether we are over-clinicalizing (not a real word) childhood.

Is it better for children to be thinking about “ennui” and/or “depression” or is that taking them away from their primary job – that is to just be a kid?

(I understand it was a totally different era, but I don’t think I considered ennui or depression when I was scuffing around with other kids.)

I honestly don’t know how I feel about this topic and would welcome your input.

Is it a good thing for kids to be using words like “ennui” or “depression” or is this another example of growing kids up too soon?

“Missed Opportunities for Practicing ‘The Skill of…'”

by | Jun 21, 2024 | ,

So much of a child’s world can be framed in an ongoing series of different skills.

For example, some kids have the “skill of” saying hello and greeting someone they meet for the first time.  Others may have the “skill of” manners in social interactions by saying “please” and “thank you” – things like that.   These skills of greeting someone or using social manners do not happen naturally.  They are learned and practiced over countless repetitions,

What happens when we shut off the ability to practice these skills? Then there are lost opportunities and the skills simply do not develop.

Marnie, a five year, old came to my office accompanying her mother who wanted to talk to me about her older sister, Jocelyn.  When I went out to greet the mom, Marnie was on some type of head set connected to a small screen device.  Marnie never looked up, never said hello. The opportunity was lost for that small social pleasantry and interaction of putting out my hand to greet Marnie and ask her a couple of questions about her world.

Marnie continued to spend the whole time quietly with her head set on, swiping her fingers across the screen.  I did not exist as a human being.   There was lost opportunity (for both of us) to practice the “skill of” social interaction.

Later in the day I went to “Saladworks” for lunch.  A 20-something was in front of me on line.  As she placed her order, “I’ll have spinach… I’ll have olives…turkey….banana peppers…” I was struck by the fact that there was no “please” or “thank you” mixed in that salad.  The person behind the counter dutifully filling up the woman’s salad bowl did not exist to her.  There was no real human or polite social interaction.

Maybe the 20-something was just an older Marnie, someone who never had the opportunity to practice essential skills.

There are continual opportunities to practice the “skill of ___________ ” (fill in the blank).  Out of expedience parents may be cutting off these opportunities.

It certainly is easier having Marnie completely quiet and transfixed on a screen than deal with the usual five-year-old behaviors.

It just seems that something is off, though,

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

“‘Spilling the Milk’ & ‘You Owe Me’ – Child Behavior in Two Acts”

by | Jun 7, 2024 | ,

Since my latest book, Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide to Challenging Kids, was published some months ago, I have had some interesting interactions – a number of different interviews and parents contacting me about their kid’s behavior.

A nice surprise was a small group of parents, let’s call it a parent book club, who formed to dish about the concepts related to my book.

As we talked about different ways of handling challenging behavior, one of the dads asked about how he should have handled his four-year-old son pouring milk over the furniture (not accidentally).

We speculated how their grandparents’ generation would have handled it.  (One clue.  Their grandparents  would not have been dwelling over the psychological variables behind the child’s behavior.)

One approach to the milk crime would be to employ the often used (overused?) strategy of “time-out.”

To my ears, that approach would have little real impact on the child, as he would likely be kicking, screaming and raging while being marched off to time-out with little learning taking place.

Underneath many child behaviors, I believe most kids suffer from a syndrome I have come to call IWWIWD or “I Want What I Want Disorder.”

What did this four-year-old milk pourer want?  Probably a combination of “This will be fun to see how far I can go,” coupled with an immediate demand soon after to play with a screen – some kiddie iPad or its equivalent.

Some might write off the behavior under the category of “Well, he’s a four-year-old boy and that’s what they do,” effectively brushing it off.

Well, I wrote the book.  I should have an answer, right? Here’s my answer.

I think there are “kid crimes” that call for an action and misdemeanors that can be brushed off.  I wouldn’t brush it off.

If I were able to keep my wits about me (not easy to do in this situation), I like removing the child from the situation as quickly as possible. Then speaking in clear and firm terms I’d  say something like the following:

“That was not cute and I am very upset with you.  You know that’s not how to behave in the house.  We were going to go out and have fun, but now I’m too angry to go anywhere.   For now, there is absolutely no screen playing or TV watching.  I will check back with you later.”  Then I’d walk out and be a bit chilly.  Maybe an hour or so later I’d warm up by degrees. I made my point.

Some may disagree, but this approach has its value.  No yelling.  No time-out.  An effective and clear statement of anger from the parent with the linking up screen use as an earned privilege.  I would predict future desires to spill milk  might be filed away somewhere in boy-brain as not a wise thing to do.

In another story brought to me beyond the group,  Marcus, age 13, was being tutored in a public library.  Marcus knew the tutor well, having worked with her for a number of years.  When asked to do a writing exercise, Marcus had a 13-year-old version of a five-year-old meltdown.  It was quite a scene in the public library.

Mom, sitting close by was understandably mortified, later telling me Marcus’ behavior was “reprehensible.”

How did mom handle it?  Again, she didn’t use time out or other such low impact consequence.  Instead, she drove home in stony (chilly) silence, not speaking to Marcus.  There were no lectures or harangues. Thinking about what a waste of time and money that tutoring session was and how embarrassed she felt, this is what the mom did:

Once inside, mom said to Marcus, “I know you were saving your Christmas money for something with your game system, but that session wasted time and a lot of money.  You owe me  Please go into your room and pay me back the $65 for that session of embarrassment.”

Ouch!!! Elegant and to the point.  It certainly made a statement to Marcus that is likely to stick.

Takeaway Point

It’s not too early or too late to make an impactful statement.

Feel free to make comment below. 

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To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

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