Modern Childhood

Adults often look at the younger generation with a combination of bewilderment and horror over the way they conduct themselves on a day-to-day basis.  Shaking our heads quietly (or not so quietly) we wonder, “What’s the matter with them?  What’s the matter with kids these days?”

(For someone like myself who has been in the business of working with children this can become even more pronounced, as every year of getting  older, the kids stay the same age.  So, back in the earlier part of my career the gap between a 15 year  old and myself, was maybe 15 years or so. Now…well, let’s leave that out of the discussion.  Let’s just say the gap is considerably wider.)

When it comes to children and their issues, it’s important to keep perspective, which is often not easy to do.

With that in mind, the following should help us keep a perspective as we shake our collective head:

— “We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient.  They frequently inhabit places they shouldn’t and have no self-control.”  (An inscription found in a 6,000-year-old Ancient Egyptian tomb.)

—  “When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint.”   (Hesiod, 8^th Century BCE)

—  “Our youth now love luxury.  They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents; chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.” (Socrates, 469 BCE)

—  “The world is passing through troubled times. The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest, and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.”  (From a sermon preached by Peter the Hermit in A.D. 1274)

—  “Children are natural mimics—they act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.”  (Mad Magazine, circa 1963)

Or as the Talking Heads said in their classic song, “Once in a Lifetime,” stated, “Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.”

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Copyright, 2021 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com.

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

Following up on last week’s discussion of “screen addictions, I had an informative conversation with young Jake, a recently turned 9 year old.

Schooling me on how screen usage goes in his house, Jake offered me a few pointers.

“My mom sets a strict limit,” Jake said.  “There’s no more than two hours a day.  That’s it.”

“Wow,” I responded.  “And you are  ok with that?”

“At first I was upset,” Jake said. “I thought it was unfair.  None of my friends had time limits set on their game systems, but my mom explained it to me.”

“What did she say to you,” I asked this wise little man.

“She said that lots of kids get addicted to these game systems and they don’t want to do anything else but play games like Fortnite or go on TikTok and YouTube.  She said she wasn’t going to let that happen to me and that I had to find other stuff to do.”

“How did that work out?”

“For about a week I cried a lot and tried to get her to stop, but she ignored me and after a while I started doing other stuff – you know like shooting baskets outside, riding my bike, building things – stuff like that.  I even read a book – a science fiction one that was really cool.”

I was so stunned that at this point in the conversation that Jake had to almost pick me up off the floor.

Gaining my composure, I asked, “So, this is what you think other moms should do?”

“Yep, my friends are a bunch of idiots who do nothing else.  I will be killing them in basketball if they ever come out from the basement.”

There you have it, parents.  Jake is giving us the answer pretty straightforwardly.

It may be a rough ride for a while, but Jake is telling us that you need to buck up, steel your nerve and set the limits.

There will be a lot of wailing, moaning and teeth gnashing as your child goes through withdrawal, but as the saying goes, “This too shall pass.”

Copyright, 2021 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com.

Is it OK for 7 or 8 year-olds to have their own phone?

At the risk of sounding like an old-head, when I see kids younger than high school in possession of phones I notice myself questioning it.

Recently, a  7-year old girl talked to me about wanting to have her own YouTube channel, while also pushing her mom to have unlimited access to TikTok.

The average age of parents I deal with  is probably between 35 – 45.  They are largely referred to as a generation  considered to be  “digital natives.”  Perhaps the fact that their 7 year old is browsing TikTok and YouTube is no big deal.

I’m not so sure.

Most of the kids that I meet are logging in about  7 – 8 hours a day playing games like Fortnite and hanging on TikTok.

They become quite “meltdowny” (a term I coined) when asked to  get off their devices and do things like walk the dog or to complete some schoolwork.

An article in the New York Times spoke about the issues (“Children’s Screen Time Has Soared During the Pandemic: Alarming Parents & Researchers” ):

“Dr. Jenny Radesky, a pediatrician who studies children’s use of mobile technology at the University of Michigan, said she did countless media interviews early in the pandemic, telling parents not to feel guilty about allowing more screen time, given the stark challenges of lockdowns. Now, she said, she’d have given different advice if she had known how long children would end up stuck at home.”                  

“I probably would have encouraged families to turn off Wi-Fi except during school hours so kids don’t feel tempted every moment, night and day,” she said, adding,  “The longer they’ve been doing a habituated behavior, the harder it’s going to be to break the habit.” 

I could not agree more, accept this “habituation” was going on well before the pandemic struck.

I see kids as literally addicted to these activities.

What do you think?  Perhaps offer some comments that I can post in the follow-up.

Copyright, 2021 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com.

Most adults of a certain generation (let’s say north of 50 years) typically shake their collective head in bewilderment over children and the way they conduct themselves.

There’s always an undercurrent of, “What’s the matter with kids these days?”

I’ve been working on a book regarding how to parent challenging children and in my poking around to read more about the subject, I came  upon these quotes that brought a dose of reality to this perspective.

“We live in a decaying age.  Young people no longer respect their parents.  They are rude and impatient.  They frequently inhabit places they shouldn’t and have no self-control.” (An inscription found in a 6,000 year old Ancient Egyptian tomb.)

“When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint.” (Hesiod, 8^th Century BCE)

“Our youth now love luxury.  They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents; chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.”  (Socrates, 469 BCE).

“The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.” (From a sermon preached by Peter the Hermit in A.D. 1274)

“Children are natural mimics – they act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.”  (Mad Magazine)

Or as the Talking Heads said in their classic song, “Once in a Lifetime,” “Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was.”

Trust me.  When I hear story after story of how kids conduct their lives, I find myself shaking my head (hopefully, not too visibly).

But the quotes above help to ground me.

“Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was.”

Copyright, 2021 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com.

Let’s say you’re north of age 50 or 55.  Unless there is a boy who is about 8 years or older in and around your world, chances are the word “Fortnite,” doesn’t mean that much to you.

Part of what I do in working with kids is to try and understand their personal landscape, that is, how do they spend their time?  What do they do with themselves?

Boys tell me repeatedly about playing “Fortnite,”  a video game that they say they are “obsessed” with.

That’s how I learned about “Fortnite.”

Let’s take  Nick, age 11, a low motivated,  fifth grader.”  I ask him about his day and what he does when not in school or on-line school.

Mumbling through his mask, he says something to me like, “Play Fortnite.”

In a slightly teasing, mock tone of surprise, I say, “Really?????   I’m shocked.  How many hours do you think you play a day?”

Shrugging  and mumbling, Nick says  something like, “Don’t know.”

(This type of interaction is how many of the sessions go with these boys – pulling teeth does not describe it.)

I don’t let up.  “Come on.  Let’s take a guess.  It doesn’t have to be exact.  On average how much do you play every day?  One?  Two? Three hours?  Four?  More?”

“Maybe about seven, “Nick says.  (Keep in mind his mom is sitting by and she is not disagreeing.)

“Seven hours!!!!!!”  I shout out for effect.  “ Do you know how many days are in a year?”

“No,”  Nick says.

“Well, there are 365 days in a year,” I tell him.  “So, let’s figure out how many hours of Fortnite you play in a year.”

On his phone (yes, an 11 year old has a phone), I have Nick multiply 365 X 7.

Nick tells me the answer –  “17,885 hours,” he says.

I continue with my over the top shock, although I am really not that shocked.

I turn to his mom.  “Mom.  What do you think?  About how many hours does he do anything that would represent something like academic work?”

Mom notes they fight all the time about school work, but it goes nowhere.  She says, “At best he maybe puts in about a half-hour, three or four days a week – nothing on Friday, Saturday or Sunday.  He never reads.”

Turning back to Nick I say, “OK, so your mom says you put in maybe two hours a week on average with school stuff. There are 52 weeks in a year.  So, let’s multiply 52 weeks X 2 hours on your phone.  What’s your answer?”

“104.”

17,000+  hours vs. 104 and parents want to understand why things are not going so well.

It’s simple math.

Takeaway Point

Get out your calculators.

Set your boundaries.

Set the limits.

Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

(***  Please note: Dr. Richard Selznick is a psychologist, clinician and author of four books.  His blog posts represent his opinions and perspectives based on his years of interacting with struggling children, parents and schools.)

Frequently, we adults are shaking our head and muttering about the state of childhood, as child behavior can “pluck our last nerves,” as the saying goes.

Collectively, we “tut-tut” and wonder how it’s all unraveling around us, with everything going into a horrific state of decline and decay.

You know how it goes. Kids are seen behaving a certain way and there is head shaking and wondering, “What’s the matter with kids these days?   What’s going on with their parents?”

Apparently Hesiod, the Greek poet who was a contemporary of Homer around 770 BC, was shaking his head too with his friends and acquaintances, as he noted, “I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words.  When I was a boy, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise (rude) and impatient of restraint.”

Some hundreds of years before Hesiod,  Plato while sitting at the feet of Socrates,  was “tut-tutting,” with similar head shaking, speculating, “What is happening to our young people?  They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents.  They ignore the law and riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions.  Their morals are decaying.  What is to become of them?”

Moving up to the more modern era of the late 1200’s, there was considerable anguish expressed by Peter the Hermit, as he opined, “The young people of today think of nothing but themselves.  They have no reverence for parents or old age.  As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladly like in speech, behavior and dress.”  (Wait, how does a hermit know about these things?)

Even some  8,000 years ago adults were shaking their head while writing graffiti on an Egyptian tomb – “We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit taverns and have no self-control.”  (Who knew there was underage drinking going on 8,000 or so years ago? Taverns?)

Who knows? It’s probably the dance we do, that we have been doing for some 8,000 years.

My guess is there is a form of collective amnesia within each generation,  that gets worse the older we get, where we puff up how we believe we were different as kids with the  manners and respect that we showed our elders, not like the current generation.

I, for one, was part of a pretty scruffy, disrespectful generation that held a big middle finger out to society and the older generation.

I’m sure there was a great deal of  head-shaking that went on then then, as parents and grandparents looked out at the decaying age they were living in with all of the hippies running amuck with their awful ear-splitting music.

I’m sure their nerves were plucked plenty.

Takeaway Point

All I can think of is the Talking Heads song, “Once in a Lifetime,” reminding us, “Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was.”

I’ve said it to parents many times over the years –   “Below the ADD/School Struggling Swamp, lies the “Anger River.”

The Anger River results in much school resistance, avoidance and lowered motivation

Parents will do various back flips to address meltdowns and school avoidance.    Mostly parental interventions are reactive, delivered in the heat of the moment (e.g., “That’s it!!!  You’re not allowed on your iPad for the next two weeks,” after the child has not completed another homework assignment.)

At the risk of some redundancy (Hey, I’ve written over 350 blog posts in 10 years so you will hopefully cut me some slack), here’s what I said a while ago on the topic:

“Punishments are 99% reactive delivered in anger.   Most of the time they (the reactive punishments, like yelling) don’t work,  yet  we persist, largely because of ‘Parent Brain’ going into its automatic response.

If reactive punishments are misguided, what reduces the Anger River?

Not biting the bait.

Let’s take Sam, an 8 year old child, who has a “soup pot” of different issues, frequently melting down over his homework.  “I hate writing,”  Sam screams.  “It’s so stupid…why do I have to do this ????!!!!! (while throwing his papers around in a full-blown rage).

Based on a strategy we discussed, Mom, Beth, decides not to engage him, get pulled in, or bite the bait,  as every time she does it only increases his raging meltdowns.

Instead, while Sam pulled out every reaction to try and get out of doing his homework, Beth  went about her business, effectively not biting any of the bait.

After about 10 minutes or so of being left alone at the dining room table with no input from his mother, Sam started to calm down, still sniveling and whimpering some, but no longer raging.

At some point when the whimpering had subsided, Beth spoke to Sam in very matter-of-fact tones, “Look, Sam,  I get it.  Writing is not fun and it’s hard for you. You’re frustrated.  But here’s the deal, even though you’re angry and frustrated,  you still need to finish your homework with decent attitude.  I can offer you some help, but there’s no screen time until you’re finished.  Let me know if you need any help.”

It may take time, but when left on their own to work it out, most of the Sam types will work through their anger  and come around when handled calmly and directly (and with the looming concern of not having the iPad available).

The Anger River needs managing, not feeding.  The messages, body language and words you choose convey something to the child that will be interpreted one way or another.

One way (the reactive engaging, “biting the bait” approach) usually results in increased anger with ongoing meltdowns.

The other (not feeding the river) results in the anger being reduced considerably with the perception that the parent is in charge.

Through nonverbal and measured verbal communication the parent conveys a message and  a level of confidence that the child can handle it even if he will need some support.

Takeaway Point

Don’t bite the bait.

Copyright, 2019 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

There are different phases to an assessment that I will do with a child.

One of the phases I like the best, is the “informal feedback” portion.  That is the point where I’ve gotten a feel for the child and start sharing some impressions with the mom (occasionally the dad, too).  It’s mostly off the top of my head, and a good portion of the actual tests that were given have not even been scored, but I find what I say usually holds up after I’ve gone over the data.

It also gives the mom a chance to say some things.  Recently, the mom of an 8 year old said something that generated a good deal of laughter and that inspired this blog post.

I was talking to the mom about one of my favorite recommendations that I was going to making with her struggling child, an 8 year old boy – the use of Learning Ally (www.learningally.org) – in which children who have a learning/reading disability are able to access books in an auditory format.

As I explained it to the mom, one of the cautions I put forward is that occasionally I’ve heard some parents say that their child chose not to use Learning Ally because, “He doesn’t like the voice (i.e., the narration that accompanies the text). ”

The mom looked at me a bit dumbfounded and said, “Well, I guess he will just have to suck it up, buttercup.”

Doesn’t that sum up much of modern childhood –  the need to, “Suck it up buttercup.”

So often it goes the other way.  As soon as the child feels some level of discomfort or doesn’t like what is being asked of him, the parent worries that he may be experiencing some type of imagined psychological distress and looks to make things instantly comfortable.

Having seen first hand the damaging effects of making children quickly comfortable and not asking them to “suck it up, buttercup,” I would rank this issue as one of the top challenges of modern childhood.

In other words, the central question for many parents is a very basic one, “How can we help our child develop a thicker skin?” Or to put it in more psychological parlance, “How do we increase the child’s tolerance for frustration.”

You will see all kinds of articles on positive approaches with ideas about giving the child stickers, money, tokens, or other such positive reinforcers to increase a child’s ability to cope with frustration.

I don’t know.

My money’s on this mom’s approach  as her child whines about not liking the voice –  “Suck it up, buttercup!”

Copyright, 2019 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

It’s that time of year when parents start looking to the lazy, hazy days of summer.  With that in mind, many parents start worrying about the “summer slide,” concerned that their kids will regress and fall backwards without the normal day-to-day structure of school.

Here are a few thoughts on the slide:

Summer goes by very quickly.  Before you turn around, you will be shaking your head wondering what happened to summer and not believe it’s back to school.

To be somewhat preventive regarding the slide I would encourage you to establish some rules on the front end.

Let your kids know that they are not going to be allowed to zone out all day on Youtube or their various screens.  Perhaps an hour or so of those screen activities is ok, but let them know that there is going to be a basic academic portion to the day, as well as a great deal of time spent outdoors.

In other words, summer should be time of screen “detox.” (Yes, they will go through various stages of working through their screen addictions – stay strong).

Take them to that ancient building in your town called the “library.” Reacquaint them with the concept that the library has these things in it that we used to look at a great deal called “books.”  Talk to the librarian about finding books that are in the child’s independent or instructional level, that is the level that the child can manage reading on his or her own without too much assistance.

(If your child has a significant reading/learning disability then make sure that they have access to  audio books.)

Have your child read books out loud to you.  Assuming the books are leveled properly, the act of reading out loud should be fun for your child.  Do this a lot.

If the child has problems with decoding, preview the books and look for difficult words to practice.  Use old school index cards and put these words on the cards, underlining the parts of the word that will highlight how the word should be broken apart.  Practice these words in a lively manner.  Make it fun.

Vocabulary is a fundamental life skill and a cornerstone of comprehension and writing.  Along with decoding practice, perhaps get a vocabulary guidebook, like one of those books that you can get in the bookstore (yes, they still exist) with titles like, “The 300 Words that Every Fifth Grade Should Know.”  Have your child put those words on the index cards (a separate box of words from the decoding) as well and have them draw a little picture to go with the word.

For example, let’s say the word is “remedy.” They can put the word on the front with a little picture like a bowl of soup to go with the word.  On the back would be a brief definition and a small sentence, like “My mom gave me soup as a remedy for my cold.”

Practice the words adding to the vocabulary bank as words are mastered.  If you do this four or five times a week, by the end of the summer, you should have a pretty decent word bank.

You might try similar activities with mathematic workbooks.  Again, don’t be too heavy handed in the approach, but practicing math facts and basic math skills or math word problems never hurt anyone.

If your child does not go to a structured camp or some other type of summer program, then do these activities in the morning before the day has kicked in.  If they go to a structured program then do it before the nightly screen time starts.  Even if they go to a camp, maybe you can do some of these academic activities before they have to leave in the morning.)  I stress not to be too heavy handed and keeping it fun and lively.

I would suggest that you do no more of an hour of this type of thing a day.

Copyright, 2019 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

A glimpse inside 12 year old boy brain:

“They’re at it again.  Talking about that 504 Plan, whatever that is.  I heard something like extra time.  My mom seems to want it.  Why would I want extra time?  I want less time.  I just want to get it done.”

“They’re taking me to that doctor. again tomorrow.  He’s the one that said I’ve got this thing – like in my brain or something – I forget what he called it.  It had some letters smooshed together, like AD something.”

“School is just so boring.  I mean how many of these stupid worksheets can they hand out – circle this…cross out that.  Just because they put a picture on the top of the sheet does’t make it fun.   They think the picture will keep kids wanting to do it. Is that all the teacher knows is worksheets.  Ugh.  I can’t stand it.”

“I also hear my mom say something about ‘in-class support.’  I don’t know what that means.  I just know there’s this lady in the back of the room always on her laptop grading the worksheets.  Then she hands them back with frowny or smiley faces on them.  I get a lot of frowny faces. “

“The girls really bug me.  They get smiley faces all the time.  They always look so happy and I just can’t stand it.  I know the teacher likes them best.  She always seems bugged by me.  Last week she told me they were going to have a meeting about me soon to talk about my 504 Plan.  I only know one other kid who I think has this 504 thing –  Noah – and he is such an idiot.  He always acts so stupid.  Why am I getting it too?”

“I just want to play Fortnite…when can I do that?  I want to be left alone.”

Boy brain is a squishy, fluid terrain. It rarely is where you would like it to be at any given moment, especially in relation to anything academic.  Rather than fight with it or punish it, you need to catch its attention.

That is, you need to manage it.

Since it is so fluid and squishy, your best bet is to provide greater structure for boy brain. Changing the odds should be your focus.

Boy brain doing homework up in its bedroom?  The odds of getting anything done that way is pretty low, so change the rules and the structure.  This has the effect of changing the odds and the rules.

Be sure and set the expectation.  You must be eminently clear as to how you want things to go and not leave it up to boy brain to decide.

Here’s an example of a conversation that changes the odds and catches boy brain attention:

Listen, Jack, we need to talk.  You’re a big boy.  You’re not a little kid anymore. What that means is you need to grow up and take some responsibility for yourself.   I know you love to play Fortnite and that’s fine, but here’s the deal.  From now on, you can play Fortnite, but only after you’ve earned it.  What we want from you is honest effort.  So give us an honest hour or so on your school work – not up in your room and you may have earned the privilege of playing your game.

Copyright, 2019 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.