Modern Childhood

“‘Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’t it)'”

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | Jul 7, 2023 | Modern Childhood, Parenting Misc

Picking up on last week’s theme with Marla where we talked about her “anger issues (“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues’”), there were other interactions with the world telling a similar story.

A day or so ago, I was with our dog, Ella, in a pet store. Ella was on a pretty tight leash.

The same could not be said about the two children (probably age three and five) who surprised Ella (and me) from behind, wildly squeaking toys at her.

Worried about how Ella might react to the children surprising her, I firmly told the children to not get so close, while their mom stood idly by watching, but doing nothing.

The children seemed taken aback that I wasn’t applauding their antics. The mom looked quizzical that there were boundaries being set. (It was like her internal computer programming was locked up with the concept of limiting her children – “This does not compute…This does not compute.”)

Thankfully, Ella was probably the most mature creature in the place (including me) and didn’t react.

Most interactions like this tell a larger story. It doesn’t take much to reveal an underlying philosophy. Usually, one picture tells many or in the wisdom that you may remember from the famous song by Rod Stewart and the Faces, “Every Picture Tells a Story (Don’ it).”

It certainly did in this case.

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Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. 2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

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“Marla and Her ‘Anger Issues'”

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | Jun 30, 2023 | Modern Childhood, Parenting Misc

One of my favorite kids, Marla, age 6, came in to see me.

Nearly six and going into first grade in the fall, I had tracked Marla since she was three. As the mental health professionals like to call it, Marla’s had issues with, “behavioral self-regulation.”

Marla’s difficulty with “behavioral self-regulation” usually appeared as her having difficulty keeping her hands to herself and frequently melting down when things were not going her way.

Marla came in to chat about summer camp, which was just starting. Marla tells me that there is a counselor in her bunk who was assigned to her specifically “because of my anger issues.”

Marla’s frank statement of her “anger issues’ pulled me back a bit and I raised an inquisitive eyebrow and asked her, “Oh, yeah. What are your anger issues?”

With a sly smile, she says very little and shrugs.

I encourage her to draw me her anger issues. While Marla loves drawing, there was not much content that illustrated her anger issues. I compliment her on the drawing.

I am not dismissing the idea that young kids like Marla can have “anger issues,” but there are a considerable percentage of kids who may not have anger issues, though it looks like it in how they behave and interact.

My interpretation of Marla’s “anger issues” was simple.

When she does not get what she wants Marla gets angry. There was a small word that frequently results in Marla reacting poorly. In short, Marla struggles with “no” and it makes her angry.

Too often, children like Marla are quickly diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication before understanding their difficulty coping with something like the “no” word.

In Marla’s case a lot of work focused on both Marla and the way her parents managed her challenging behavior.

Over time Marla incrementally started to face reality that it wasn’t always going to go her way and that, yes, there is a no and you have to deal with it.

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. 2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“‘Barn Kids’ & the ‘Populars'”

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | May 12, 2023 | Modern Childhood, Uncategorized

In my ongoing education, this week I learned about the “Barn Kids” and the “Populars.”

Mother of 12-year-old Marla explained to me that her 12-year-old daughter was one of the “Barn Kids” and not one of the “Populars.”

Instinctively, I sort of knew what she meant, but asked for elaboration.

“Well, the Barn kids are like in their own corner of the universe. They love hanging with the horses, shoveling hay, cleaning stalls and doing all sorts of other odd jobs around the barn. They don’t have phones or other screens down at the barn. They just hang with the horses and sometimes a little with each other.”

I ask, how Marla get along with the other Barn kids.”

“Great…totally the opposite of how she is with the Populars or in school. An interesting side-note is that the Barn Kids are all different ages, from maybe seven up to teens.”

“With the Populars,” she continued, “they’re always clustering on their phones, going on Tik Tok, talking and gossiping with each other. From what I can tell, they can be a pretty tough group. Marla is very skittish about them.”

When I meet Marla we talk about her love of the barn and she tells me how it all works. She didn’t feel like an outsider there, pressing her nose to the glass trying to get in the club as she always feels around the popular kids. She also proudly shows me a video of herself in a jumping competition that she had recently won. (The Populars knew nothing about her victory.)

There wasn’t much she had to say about the Populars, other than on occasion they could make fun of her, but she felt she was learning to cope when she had to be around them.

Beside, when she started to feel stressed and had trouble coping, she knew her horse was a great listener!

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. 2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“Low ‘Oomph'”

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | May 5, 2023 | Modern Childhood

“oomph” *noun Informal: e**nergy; vitality; enthusiasm*.

I don’t know how to describe it in more clinical or scientific terms, but there are a bunch of kids I’ve assessed recently who seem to me to lack “oomph.”

While “oomph” may be one of those words that are not currently in modern usage, I think it conveys an important issue not often discussed.

With a low level of “oomph,” the child comes across with low-energy and very little “push” behind them and the tasks they are asked to complete. Typically, parents will be checking the boxes that say things like, “lacks sustained mental effort,” “inattentive,” “easily distracted.”

With these children, I think of them as having a low “OQ,” (i.e., “”Oomph Quotient”).. While not very scientific I understand, but that’s what it feels like when I’m with them.

Let’s take Blaze, an 8 year old whose parents are worried about how he conducts himself in his day-to-day life.

When I meet Blaze I do my best to connect with him, but he’s not buying what I’m selling. Giving me a half-hearted (“must I do this”) fist bump with a meager smile as a starting point, he conveys that he can’t wait to be out of there.

When the assessment starts I ask Blaze to write down three things that he likes to do. Instead of writing, he says something in a mumble like, “I don’t like to do too much – video games.” (Nothing gets written down.)

Later, on a task where I have Blaze to copy different shape and designs on the page and to put blocks together in patterns, he goes through the motions, but there is no attempt to correct himself when a design or block pattern is obviously wrong.

The sense is that the only thing on Blaze’s mind that matters to him is getting done with this annoyance, probably so he can go back to his screen time at home or on the phone that his parents have given him on his birthday (with no strings attached).

It would be one thing if what was observed was unusual for Blaze, a function of not liking me or the assessment situation, but this type of thing occurs consistently and his parents are getting their buttons pushed by it. (Teachers also comment on the low energy.)

Certainly, many kids with low “oomph” are diagnosed as ADHD – of the inattentive variety – but my sense is that it is deeper than we are owning and understanding and a fairly complex issue.

To my knowledge there is no easy fix to remedy low “oomph.””

A good first step is to recognize it for what it often is – a total disinterest in anything beyond what is giving the child pleasure (which usually comes in the form of a screen).

Once it is recognized for what it is, honest conversations can take place between parent and child about what the low “oomph” means and how much of a problem it is becoming.

Starting to link up very important messages that questions the free access to screen pleasure would be a good next step.

The child has to start understanding the basic formula of “you give and you get,” as the child is typically stuck in “you don’t give and you still get.”

While this may not move the “OQ” needle significantly, it may move it enough to get the child more in the game.

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. 2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“Nicholas & the ‘Child-to-Mother Sideways Glance'”

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | Apr 28, 2023 | Modern Childhood

Over the last year or so, I’ve noted an interesting trend – I’ll call it the “Child-to-Mom- Sideways Glance.”

Here’s how it goes.

Take William, age 8, who comes in to meet with me for the first time accompanied by his mother. They sit next to each other perhaps two feet apart.

I engage William.

“So, Will, how old are you?”

Rather than answer the question directly, William immediate glances sideways at his mom before answering.

Once answering I check my chart and jokingly state, “Correct!!!! You’re right!!!!”

Thankfully, William laughs as I ask him another question.

“And, when’s your birthday? (Sideways glance comes again immediately before responding.)

Teasingly, I joke, “I’m going to ask another one. This is not a trick question. You’re not allowed to look at your mother – in fact, I’m going to put up this paper shield so you can’t look at her when you answer,” as I playfully put up a paper between them so he can’t look at her when I ask if he has any pets.

Now I have William fully laughing and his mother is too, because she knows she’s in this dance with him as a co-conspirator.

This segues into another kid, Nicholas, age 10, a budding and brilliant future neuroscientist (and not a sideways glancer).

I explain my observation to Nicholas looking for his opinion on child behavior.

“So, Nicholas, I’ve picked up on this trend of child behavior where kids can’t answer a question without looking at their moms. I know there is no right or wrong answer, but what’s your guess why this is happening?”

Without skipping a beat, Nicholas says, “I would have a few hypotheses.” (Now, I’m dying, laughing and leaning back, enjoying the ride to come.)

“My first hypothesis would be that the kid is maybe a little uncomfortable, maybe a little nervous.”

“That sounds like a good one,” I say. “And your second?”

“Another hypothesis would be the kid has become too reliant (his word) on his mother. A third would be that they’re looking to their mother for approval too much.”

“Wow…those are pretty good,” I affirm (not that he needs my affirmation). “I have one more to add,” I tell him.

“And, that would be?”

(Now I have pressure to earn my stripes with this 10-year-old researcher.)

“A hypothesis I would have would be the mom is too ready to speak for the child and he’s gotten very used to her answering for him.”

Nicholas gives me a wise nod, thankfully affirming my hypothesis. (I needed Nicholas’ approval more than he needed mine.)

I ask Nicholas how he would set up a study and test the hypotheses. Nicholas tells how he would set up a study to test them. Nicholas quickly explains how he would research it, a well-designed study worthy of most graduate programs.

Takeaway Point

All hypotheses are in play when it comes to the child-to-mother sideways glance.

This trend will need to be investigated further. Nicholas is on it.

I can’t wait to start having Nicholas on as a guest or co-host on my future podcasts.

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. 2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“‘What’s the Matter With Kids Today?'”

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | Apr 7, 2023 | Modern Childhood, Parenting Misc

“The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think nothing but of themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.” (Peter the Hermit, circa 1250)

Well, since he was a hermit, perhaps he wasn’t tuned in to the leading technology of the day, so what did he know.

Many centuries before Peter, Hesiod also despaired about the future and the state of youth at the time:

“I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous young people of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful) and impatient of restraint.” (Hesiod, 8^th Century, BCE).

A few hundred years after Hesiod, Socrates, as quoted by Plato, started to document ADHD in the classroom and the challenges that the beleaguered teachers faced.

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; and they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, and are not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.” (Socrates, circa 870 BCE)

(Man, can you imagine if those hooligans in Socrates’ time had iPhones!!!!!!)

Plato built on Socrates and started his own documenting of oppositional defiant disorders and conduct disorder.

“What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders. They disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying. What is to become of them?” (Plato)

Takeaway Point

The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. 2022, www.shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“Theories & Hypotheses”

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | Mar 5, 2023 | Modern Childhood, Parenting Misc

When you are a parent in struggling “Child Land,” there are all kinds of theories, hypotheses and explanations as to why children do what they do.

These hypotheses are revealed in statements made as to what is behind the child acting a certain way.

Let’s listen to some recent statements:

“Marla’s so unmotivated. She just wants to do nothing. It must be the medication wearing off.”

“My daughter is refusing to do her work – we thought the Lexipro was working.”

“My son, marches to the beat of his own drummer – he’s more of a creative type. Rules just aren’t his thing.”

And the beat goes on.

Things often not stated:

“I know my kid is manipulating us when he avoids his homework to go play video games.”

“Maybe the school is not the problem as to why she’s acting the way she is.”

“It’s not ok to say whatever you want in the class, even if you don’t like the work.”

“No one wants to invite Zach to their house or a birthday party; he never shares with the other kids and he has alienated them.”

What to do?

One step is to help kids recognize that choices made have built-in (natural) consequences. (“If you don’t share, others will not want to play with you. It’s that simple.”)

If we buffer kids from natural consequences, there will be no reason for them to learn from their mistakes and try a different approach.

Takeaway Point

Double check your hypotheses and theories.

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To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“In the Restaurant”

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | Feb 17, 2023 | Modern Childhood, Parenting Misc

A favorite pastime of mine is watching how parents and their children interact. There’s never a shortage of blog material. For people watching, there’s not much better than cafes and casual restaurants where families tend to congregate.

This week I hit a bonanza minding my business (mostly) reading a book while having dinner in a local restaurant.

The bonanza was the family of four that sat next to me maybe three feet away.

There was an older sister about 12 and her younger brother perhaps 9 years old. The parents looked to be in their upper 30’s to low 40s.

What caught my attention was the non-conversation that took place.

Glued to their phones it did not look like the kids said one word to each other or to their parents.

At some point, I thought the mom looked a bit exasperated, particular with her daughter.

My sense was the mom was trying to get the girl off her phone, but the curly lip sneer she got back basically shut down any attempt by the mom to engage. (The dad was no help, looking helpless and ineffective as he watched his wife try and get the daughter off her phone. I think they had already given up on the son.)

Dinner arrived interrupting this non-interaction for about 10 minutes while the children plowed through their food as rapidly as possible to get back on their phones. As far as I could tell not a sentence was spoken in any direction, although the mom looked annoyed as she seemed to be trying to light a fire under the father but to no avail.

My guess is that on Facebook or Instagram they are presented as the model family with everyone liking and thumbs upping their birthday, holiday and vacation pictures.

Well, they certainly were entertaining, but probably not in the way they might have thought.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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Sitting at the Poker Table

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | Feb 10, 2023 | Modern Childhood, Parenting Misc

Parents tell me stories.

I listen for the wording and try and picture what’s being told, that is, who is doing what and how the interaction takes place

Just like playing poker, there are often certain “tells,” minor clues that reveal the larger the picture.

Listen to Marianne talk about the story of the nightly homework ritual with 9-year-old Felicia.

(As Marianne starts the story, Felicia sits grumpily next to her unhappy that she has no access to her cell phone.)

“Well, we usually start our homework around 7. If we do a good job, then there’s about 45 minutes or so of iPad playing and then it’s time for us to go to bed. In the morning we get ready for school.”

(Felicia rolls her eyes throughout.)

The “tells” suggest that the mom is in too deep. Is it her homework or Felcia’s? Does she go to bed with Felcia? Do they get dressed together and brush each other’s teeth?

Give or take, past the age of five or so most kids can handle things that are given to them at their appropriate level.

Takeaway Point

Double-check yourself the next time you we “start to do our homework.”

You don’t want to be giving away your money at the poker table.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“‘OQ’ Low or You Don’t Give & You Get”

by Richard Selznick Ph.D. | Nov 18, 2022 | Modern Childhood

14-year-old Jamie comes in for an assessment. His pediatrician has told the parents that he thinks Jamie has inattentive ADHD.

When I meet Jamie I do my best to connect with him, but he’s not buying what I’m selling. Giving me blasé’ (“must I do this”) fist bump as a starting point, he conveys that he can’t wait to be out of there.

When the assessment starts I ask Jamie to write down three things that he likes to do. Instead of writing, he says something in a mumble like, “I don’t like to do too much – mostly video games.” (Nothing gets written down.)

Later, on a task where I have Jamie copy different shapes and designs on the page and to put blocks together in patterns, he goes through the motions, but there is no attempt to correct himself when a design or block pattern is obviously wrong.

It seems that the only thing on Jamie’s mind that matters is getting done with this annoyance so he can go back to his screens at home or on the phone that his parents gave him on his birthday (with no strings attached, I might add).

It would be one thing if what was observed was unusual for Jamie, a function of not liking me or the assessment situation, but this occurs on a daily basis and it is pushing his parents buttons.

In short, Jamie has a low “OQ” (i.e., a low “Oomph Quotient”).

To my knowledge there is no easy fix to remedy a low “OQ.” Certainly, many kids with a low OQ are diagnosed as ADHD or “ADD.” Perhaps medication can give them a little bit more oomph, but my sense is that it is deeper than we are owning and understanding.

A good first step is to recognize it for what it usually is – a total disinterest in anything beyond their screens.

Once it is recognized for what it is, an honest conversations can take place between parent and child about what the low “OQ” means and how much of a problem it is creating.

You may want to clarify that that the phone and iPad that were given to them is really not theirs, since you are paying the bills for them and the internet. Effectively, like giving the kid the keys to the car provisionally, you are letting them use these devices.

Takeaway Point

There is a basic formula not readily understood in “Screenland.” (i.e., “You give and you get..”). Instead, they live by the formula they have created is, “You don’t give, but still get.”

Start changing the formula to chisel away at the low “OQ.”

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email rselznick615@gmail.com.

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“oomph” noun Informal: energy; vitality; enthusiasm.

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“oomph” *noun Informal: e**nergy; vitality; enthusiasm*.