Parenting Misc

In this, the third of three blog posts on parenting, we highlight a mindset that can help you with challenging, “emphatic children.”

As you will recall from the last two posts Parenting Post I- “Hey Bud”,  Parenting Post Part II – “Hey, Bud,” continued) we do not emphasize sticker charts or elaborate behavioral strategies or approaches.

Lead and they will follow.  The tail follows the dog.

With this model, “parenting” as a verb is largely strategic, objective – not reactive, not emotional.

Recognizing that each child and family is different, there are some commonalities that apply to most situations.

Take, Liam, a 6 year old child who has been extremely difficult for his parents to manage.  Birthday parties, trips to the mall, dinners in restaurants dinners have largely been a chaotic, roller coaster ride of unpleasantness..

Liam’s mom, Tracy, decided it was time to  put an end to it.  She was tired of being the tail to Liam’s dog.

Deciding to lead rather than follow, Tracy sat her son down before they were to go shopping in Target.

Before sitting Liam down, Tracy thought about how she wanted the shopping experience to go and what would be the cost if Liam chose to disregard (ignore) her.

Once she was clear in her mind, it was time to implement.

(Tracy got Liam’s attention and directed him away from his playing on Xbox and sat him down in the boring part of the house  – the living room.)

“The last time we went to Target,” she continued, “you ran ahead and started to grab things off the shelf.  I was very upset. (pause, pause, pause) Well, it’s not going to happen like that this time.”   (Pause, pause, pause, letting it sink in a little.)

“If you start to run ahead, I will give you one warning  (pause). If you choose to ignore me.  We will stop and I will give our cart back with everything we were getting and we will go straight home.  There will be no TV, no screens, no iPad – nothing.  It will be a totally boring no fun day.  You will also be going to bed early.”

Keep in mind that when I review this type of thing with parents, they will say things like , “We do that…we took away his iPad and it didn’t do anything.”

It’s not the taking away of the iPad that matters.  It’s how you talk to your child – It’s tone and body language and showing that you are will to sacrifice and to not be held hostage to his chaotic behavior.

I understand that these things don’t change immediately, but  I would encourage you to look at the way you are talking to your child and the way you sound.

You’re in charge.  The tail is not wagging the dog.

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Copyright, 2018 www.shutdownlearner.com

Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – contact@shutdownlearner.com.

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Last week we talked about a style of parenting that I dubbed, “Come 0n, Bud,” after this style was ridiculed by Bill Mahre in a recent stand-up special. (“Come On, Buddy…”)

We emphasized that kids are driven by one primary motivation (i.e., pleasure) and that they were happy to “have their bread buttered on both sides.”

Parents will bend themselves into knots trying to impact behavior.  Elaborate sticker charts and behavioral point systems are set up mixed in with a healthy dose of positive affirmations (“Way to go, Bud.  I can see you’re trying so hard.”) and punishments (“Sorry, Bud, but you have to go into time-out.”)

Mostly it’s a futile exercise.  In some ways the content of the consequence (positive or negative)is irrelevant.

“Time out” as a parenting tool has been so much a part of our culture for at least four decades that we forget that there was a time where “time out” did not exist and was not part of the parenting lexicon and toolbox. (I don’t remember my parents ever sending me to “time out.”)

John Rosemond, the parenting expert, reduces much of effective parenting down to a simple statement – “Lead and they will follow.”

That’s exactly right.

Somewhere along line (mostly due to psychology’s input) a notion developed that more democratic households would be the best way to “parent.”  (I’m not talking political here, folks, just referring to households where children have much greater input and decision making.)

If you’re a “Hedonistic Pirate” who wants pleasure at all costs, then these type of households energize you.  You sense the weakness.   Any chink in the armor represents an opportunity for more pleasure.  Whining, crying, tantrumming, avoiding, distracting, refusing, complaining (“I hate this homework”),  become weapons to make sure you keep the pleasure coming and not have to deal with the parental request or demand.

Mind you, I’m not advocating for rigid, inflexible or harsh parenting.  In fact, with that style kids will get very angry (rightfully so) and push back in all kinds of ways to overthrow the rigid power structure.

In line with the Rosemond theory, when my kid was very little,  we would talk about the dog and the tail.  “Where is the tail,” I would ask? “Is it in front of the dog?”  He would laugh about the silly image of the tail in front of the dog.   I  would remind him, if the dog followed the tail you would have a crazy dog.

The dog does not ask the tail where he would like to go.  The tail follows the dog.

Don’t get hung up on sticker charts, time-outs or whatever else you may be concocting to get your kid to listen.

Consequences come out of clear leadership.   With leadership consequences (positive and negative ones)  are decided on the spot, not reactively, but decisively.

To illustrate what I am talking about, next week we will conclude this series with a script and a manner of leading to change the odds better so that the tail follows the dog.

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Copyright, 2018 www.shutdownlearner.com

Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – contact@shutdownlearner.com.

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On a recent HBO special featuring Bill Maher, he spent part of his routine focusing on modern children and their parents.

Maher said something like, “First of all, where did parents get the idea that they have to negotiate with their kids about everything?  I see this in the way they talk to their kids – ‘Hey, Buddy.  Are you ready to go?” (Mocked by Maher, said in pleading and imploring tones about parents trying to get their kids to do something.)

Maher continued, “When we were kids it wasn’t like that.  It was, ‘Get in the (expletive) car.’”

I know what Maher means.

Probably as a fallout from psychology’s over-emphasis many years ago on children’s self-esteem, kids are frequently coddled by their parents to the point where we are worried that if we put undue “stress” or demand on them that they will break apart like fragile teacups.

In some ways, kids are not that complicated.  While kids certainly are seeking love and approval, what do you think is the number one underlying drive of most kids?  What are they seeking virtually all of the time?

Self-esteem?

Sounds nice, but no.

So, what do kids want?  An expression back in the granny era helps to answer the question.

“They just want to have their bread buttered on both sides,” granny would say.  In other words, they want to have it their way, with no frustration – pleasure round the clock.

While seeking pleasure all the time and having their bread buttered on both sides, kids become Hedonistic Pirates!

Annoying things like doing homework, walking the dog, taking out the trash, are examples of pleasure blocking moments and therefore they are detested activities to avoid at all costs.  Meltdowns, arguments, crying jags, oppositional behaviors, distractions, whatever, are all available to avoid having to do the annoyance that is getting in the way of pleasure.

(Of course, the meltdown or the arguing also gets in the way of having pleasure, but that’s the irrationality of childhood!)

With these pleasure seekers, especially the ones who have emphatic personalities, the “Come on, Bud, are you ready to go” style of making a parental request made fun of by Maher usually doesn’t cut it.  The end result is a child remaining squarely in charge as the parent is largely ignored.

What do you do if you are using “Come on, Bud,” language with your child?

First notice it. Catch yourself sounding like someone who is asking to be ignored and remind yourself, “There you go again. That sounded wimpy. I wouldn’t even listen to me.” (Humor helps.)

By noticing it, you are on the road to parent recovery.

Next week we will drill down even more with what to do.

Takeaway Point

There are different ways to make parental requests.  Would you bet on a child listening to, “Hey, Buddy, how about we start getting ready for bed?”

“I guess I really messed this up,” said Jennifer, the mom of an 8 year old child who was extremely difficult and challenging.

The kid, Olivia, was one of those kids who melted down when she didn’t get what she wanted.  With the slightest bit of frustration or difficulty she starts screaming, crying and flailing around.

Along with being “meltdowny” (I know it’s not a word), she was also demanding.  As an example the mom told the story of trying to pick out a communion dress for Olivia.  Every one the mom picked was quickly dismissed by Olivia.  “I hate it!!!” she would scream, while the mom would scour the internet for just the right dress, having already had numerous unsuccessful experiences shopping with Olivia at various dress shops.

As the mom told me the story, I had the image that Olivia was like the Queen in Alice in Wonderland, with all of the scared servants running around trying to please the queen.

Parents (well, at least the moms) will think that they “messed things up,” as Jennifer suggested, and that the kid is a direct product of poor parenting.

That is, it was all her fault.

I really don’t see it that way.

I wasn’t trying to let Jennifer off the hook, but I said to her that there were essentially two types of kids:

Group A:  These are the flexible and easy going ones.  They roll with the punches, can handle curveballs (“No, we’re not going to McDonald’s tonight as we had originally planned), and are able to tolerate frustration.

Group B:  They are the opposite of Group B kids.  They are inflexible in style.  The smallest change leads to major eruptions. (“But, you promised we were going to McDonald’s,” as the child screams, cries and carries on at great length.)

It is my impression that the moms (haven’t seen it with the dads) are all too quick to blame themselves, that if they were only a different kind of a parent, their child would be a Group A type.

Rather than thinking that these children fall into these categories as a direct result of parenting, I see them primarily the result of their temperament.

Almost always, when the parent tells the story, the behaviors and style emerges long before any parenting (good and bad) has had a chance to take hold.  (You may want to read the classic book by Stanley Turecki,  The Difficult Child, which was revised and expanded in 2000 from the original.)

Difficult kids are difficult kids. They are consistently a challenge.

Next week we will elaborate on this theme and talk about parent role and involvement with these kids.

Takeaway Point

Temperament rules.

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Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – contact@shutdownlearner.com.

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Perhaps you’ve seen the Disney movie Fantasia, a cartoon movie from the 1940’s comprised of different shorts. One of them was the famous story of “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” Mickey Mouse, as the apprentice, discovers the sorcerer’s magic powers and is delighted to start using them. Mickey quickly realizes he’s in over his head, however, and is overwhelmed by what he has unleashed.

Effectively, for Mickey, he’s not ready for these powers.

It’s too much too soon.

In a similar vein, what happens when kids are given relatively unmonitored access to the internet (as many of the kids that I know do)?

What are they watching? What are they doing?

Is the power they are given on the internet too much too soon?

Some time ago, when my kids were younger (with the internet emerging as a real presence in our lives) we comforted ourselves with the notion that the family computer was always in a public place. Whether we (as parents) were kidding ourselves or not, it seemed that the likelihood of our kids going on inappropriate sites was not something that could be easily done. The computer was just too visible.

Mind you, this was the dark ages, pre-smart phone and iPads. (Yes, there was such a time.)

Thanks to a summary of a study on kids and technology (“Kids & Tech: The Evolution of Today’s Digital Natives (Digital Natives ) here are a few fun facts to consider:

• The average age for a child getting their first smartphone is now 10.3 years.
• 39% of kids get a social media account at 11.4 years. 11% got a social media account when they were younger than 10.
• 64% of kids have access to the Internet via their own laptop or tablet, compared to just 42% in 2012.
• The autonomy and access kids have to the Internet in 2016 jumped significantly compared to just four years ago, across all electronic devices.

Bringing these facts closer to home, was the frank admission recently from two adolescents who were pretty honest with me about their porn-watching habits. Back when I was young, if a teenager wanted to watch porn they would have to watch Babestation.tv on their TV when nobody was home. Long gone are those times.

One boy, Gerald, watched porn on websites like https://www.tubev.sex/categories/1180/wife on his phone so frequently that by the time he turned 18 he was afraid that his sex drive was already diminishing due to overuse of watching porn. Effectively, he told me he was very bored. (Mind you, he still hadn’t had actual sexual relations, but was still feeling jaded.)

Another, Francis, aged 14 was struggling with his own sense of personal guilt going on adult sites like www.hdpornvideo.xxx/categories/449/korean that he sensed were inappropriate for him with his anxiety was sky-rocketing along with his increased use of porn.

From where I sit we are facing the proverbial “Wild West” when it comes to kid’s access to the internet. I know there are controls and apps that can be put on the phone to limit internet access, but few do this and kids will find ways to beat it, like going on their friends’ phones to get on the sites.

The fact is we can’t monitor the behavior or the sites like we think we can.

I wish I could tell you exactly how to handle the Wild West of kids’ internet usage. My best advice is that you talk frankly and openly to your kids and let them know that there is a lot temptation out there. If they want the privilege of having a phone or iPad there is a built in trust with its usage.

It’s sort of the same thing when kids become of driving age. There’s an implicit trust that says something like “I will grant you the privilege of this device (or car) until you show that you can’t handle the privilege. Then you are inviting me in and I will have no choice but to remove the privilege until the time that you demonstrate that you can handle it.”

Takeaway Point

Don’t fall asleep at the wheel. Kids are being given many powers that they are questionably able to handle. Speak plainly and directly about these powers and privileges you are granting them.

Maybe it’s me.

Maybe it’s because I think back to an era where kids were rarely on medication even if their behavior was a bit off.

Maybe it’s because of the lens through which I see kids.

Parents will have lots of theories about their child’s behavior, often linked to medical explanations.

What I typically hear is an emphasis on the medication as the primary factor in the child’s life.

The refrain goes something like this:

“We adjusted the Vyvanse, but he is still aggressive with his younger sister.”

“My daughter won’t do her work; I don’t understand the Lexipro seemed to be working.’

“The school said Michael was very disrespectful   this week – maybe his Intuniv needs to be changed.’

“Marla’s so unmotivated.  She just wants to do nothing.  It must be the medication wearing off.”

And the beat goes on.  And the beat goes on.

Things I don’t hear very much:

“I know my kid is manipulating us.”

“He’s become addicted to the iPad and we have indulged it.’

“I don’t see her showing empathy – I don’t know if she has a conscience.’

“Maybe the school is not the problem; maybe it’s her attitude.”

“His behavior is alienating other kids – no one wants to invite him to their house or a birthday party.”

I know some of you will get annoyed at me for saying the following but, by and large, kids have choice.    Their choices have built in consequences.

If we buffer kids continually from these consequences there will be no reason for them to learn from their mistakes and try a different approach.

Takeaway Point

It’s not just medication adjustment.

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For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – contact@shutdownlearner.com.

To receive free Dyslexia Infographics and updates, go to: www.shutdownlearner.com.

Kids are frequently told a lot that they need to be doing their “personal best.”

Doesn’t that seem like an unfair standard?    Are you doing your “personal best?”

If I were honest about it (and I would like not to be), I think I have failed at my personal best every day of my life.

Look, I get it.

We want kids to put forth good effort and to pay attention (all the time) and do all of those tasks we want them to do.  When they start to fall off track we get worried about what it means and whether they have some type of disorder.

Kids have different agendas than adults.

Their agendas are mostly driven by pleasure – that is, they  want to have fun any way they can, whether it is with video games, going on Instagram to see who’s up to what, texting their friends, or running around outside (some still do that).

In other words, they are looking to blow through their school work as fast they can and be done with it so that they can be engaged with an activity that is giving them pleasure.

Huck Finn talks about adults trying to “sivilize” him.  (I know I go back to Huck a lot for guidance and inspiration.)

As Huck noted:

The Widow Douglas she took me for her son, and allowed she would sivilize me; but it was rough living in the house all the time, considering how dismal regular and decent the widow was in all her ways; and so when I couldn’t stand it no longer I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied. But Tom Sawyer he hunted me up and said he was going to start a band of robbers, and I might join if I would go back to the widow and be respectable. So I went back…. But I reckon I got to light out for the territory ahead of the rest, because Aunt Sally she’s going to adopt me and sivilize me, and I can’t stand it. I been there before.

Join a band of bank robbers?  Running away from being civilized?

Huck and Tom were certainly not doing their “personal best.”  In fact, if they were living in the present day, they would not be allowed back in school without a clearance from a psychiatrist.

Takeaway Points

Kids are kids.  At their core they are pleasure seekers. Children have always been this way.  Personal best is probably an unfair concept.  It’s the rare kid who is doing his personal best ever day.

“Sivilzing” kids is tough work.  They have other agendas.

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For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – contact@shutdownlearner.com.

To receive free Dyslexia Infographics and updates, go to: www.shutdownlearner.com.

As part of my constellation of professional activities, I often talk to parents about their child’s behavior.  Frequently, I find myself highlighting two fundamentally different styles of parenting.

With “Reactive Parenting,” as the name implies when a negative behavior occurs the parent reacts (yells), pretty emotionally to a situation as it happens.  I find reactive style parents are not thinking too much of the odds of an event occurring.  It is very “of the moment.”

Kids are pretty predictable.  If I said to you any of the following behaviors were shown recently, what would you say the odds are of them occurring again?

• Running ahead an ahead in Target even though you warned not to.
• Had a fit in the supermarket when she couldn’t have exactly what she wanted.
• Dawdled getting ready and was very uncooperative getting out the door.
• Back seat arguing and screaming with sibling.

Thinking of odds, I would bet you would say that if these behaviors recently occurred, the odds are pretty good they will occur again.

Proactive/Strategic approaches take the odds into consideration before going into a given situation and help to shift the odds in the other direction.

For example, for the child who runs ahead in Target she can be talked to in calm (but direct tones), something like the following: “The last time we went to Target you broke the rules and ran ahead.  This made Mommy very unhappy.  It will not happen that way today.  If you run ahead, we will stop and go straight home.  No McDonalds afterward – nothing.  Even if we have to put everything in the cart aside, that’s fine.  That’s how it’s going to work.”

If the child runs ahead, give a simple warning and if this is ignored, then go straight home.  No yelling, no screaming, no time-out.

Later, when it is time for bed (“tuck-in time”) you can calmly talk about what happened and offer to go back tomorrow and try again.

Odds are the next time you go the child may be showing a different set of behaviors (at least that’s the horse I would bet on).

Takeaway Point

Front-end thinking (considering the odds of a given event or behavior occurring) helps you to anticipate and put strategies in place before the behavior occurs.  This is not fool-proof and it does not mean that all negative behavior will be eliminated, but the odds of occurring will be greatly reduced.

Over time, the child will learn to anticipate better on her own, which is the ultimate goal of “self-regulation.”

Adapted, School Struggles, Richard Selznick, Ph.D,  2012, Sentient Publications

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For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – contact@shutdownlearner.com.

To receive free Dyslexia Infographics and updates, go to: www.shutdownlearner.com.

Every generation creates its own parenting style based on many different factors and variables shaping our view of what it means to be a parent.

Back in the early 1960’s probably the predominant style of dad was depicted well in the AMC TV show, “Madmen” and its main character, Don Draper. Even if you never saw the show, you will quickly get the idea. Don was detached and pretty indifferent to his kids and there was a sneering, dismissive quality to the way he interacted with his children. My guess is Don viewed his children as annoying gnats that were just around to bother him. There was none of that “quality time” we have come to appreciate as part of the parent landscape.

Frankly, the mom, Betty, wasn’t much better. Nurturing would not be seen as one of her top qualities.

Fast forward a few generations and what do we have – “Fun Dad Nation!”

Take all of Don Draper’s qualities and the opposite are embodied in the dads of Fun Dad Nation.

These dads are a blast. They are usually involved with all sports, they even like playing video games, and doing goofy stuff at the dinner table – what a package! These dads, might be more hands-on and invested in their kids, from potentially taking an interest in how their kid’s rooms are decorated, so what paint or cool wallpapers could be used for example, or maybe even helping choose out what their kids play with and their clothes. They also may play an active role in supporting their chimldren to be more active by taking an interest in their favorite sports are truly beneficial to a child’s development and determination.

Some dads may become so invested in their child’s sporting achievements, that they decide to visit a site like Imprint to give their child their very own customized sporting attire, so they can advance even further in their chosen field. You may just have to make sure that they don’t put anything too embarrassing on them though! These fun dads will often get involved in sports too. For example, one of my friends always plays sports with his son. His son loves playing paintball, so he purchased his own paintball vest so they could both play together. By doing so, he has proved himself as a fun dad and has strengthened the bond between him and his son.

Here’s one bit of caution to the dads of Fun Dad Nation. The hierarchy in the family matters. Parents need to be parents. They need to make sure that all the most important family matters are taken care of, such as making sure you keep your will up to date, in case something unexpected were to happen to you. Acting like a parent when it is needed is very important. They need to be clear in their leadership. All fun coupled with lots of ambivalence or ambiguity of message does not play well with kids.

I will use a reflection from my own childhood to illustrate with a simple example.

I picture myself sitting in a small family room, watching sports with my dad. When a couple of my dad’s friends come in to join him, without blinking, my dad immediately commands, “Get up, Richard, and let Uncle Frank sit down.”

There is no way that Uncle Frank would be relegated to the cheap seats while some punk kid sat in one of the “grown up seats.” There was plenty of space on the floor, to place my child’s behind, thank you very much.

I knew my place. I scampered to the floor very quickly on getting the command.

There was order in the universe.

It’s my sense that the dads of Fun Dad Nation have a tougher time with that concept. If their equivalent to me (their own punk kid) was sitting in a grown up chair, well the adults coming in would have to find a place until the time that the child decided he would relegate his spot and give it over.

In other words, it was child-decided, not parent-decided.

It’s my impression that from the dads of Fun Dad Nation you are less likely to hear clear commands coming from them. Such commands are passé, an outmoded style of being a dad from a long forgotten era.

Telling your kid to get out of chair for another adult is so yesterday

The problem is children still need clear direction from someone (preferably a parent) with clarity (and a backbone). I don’t care what decade we’re talking about, wishy-washy parenting never plays well with kids.

So, dads of Fun Dad Nation, listen up, while you sit back in your reclining chair this Father’s Day and your kid is sitting next to you, certainly enjoy the moment. However, if the equivalent to “Uncle Frank” comes in the room, remind your kid that the floor is a great place for him to find himself.

Don’t worry about your kid’s comfort or feelings at the moment.

Restore order in the universe.

Takeaway Point

Don’t go “Don Draper” on your kids, but don’t go “Gumby” either.

For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – contact@shutdownlearner.com.

To receive free Dyslexia Infographics and updates, go to: www.shutdownlearner.com.

Last week we talked about the kids who are on the street called, “You Don’t Give & You Get Street (see, The Don’t Give & You Get Street).”

This is a street where kids play endless video games, see their phone as God-given right, and basically are blowing you off when it comes to meeting responsibilities such as homework completion.

I asked you to list all of the things that you do for your child or that he/she takes for granted beyond food and shelter.

It’s quite a list isn’t it?

This week we implement a strategy for addressing it.   I will lay out the basic principles here and then give you a link to listen to how I suggest that you talk to your child.

Step 1.  Find a time to sit down with child.  There should be no distractions or anyone interrupting.

Step 2:  Start with a conversation such as the following:  “James, we need to talk.”  (Talk slowly – not excitedly.)   “You have been making me nuts with your lack of homework and the way you whine and carry on.”  (Pause count to three and let it sink into James’ head.)

Step 3.  (A crucial step.)  Say these words exactly, “James, it’s not going to continue like this anymore.”  (Pause, one, two, three.) “I’m done making myself crazy.”

(At this point, if handled well, James’ interest is elevated…It’s a different way he’s been spoken to previously.)

Step 4:  On a white board (or its equivalent) list  the top four things from your list of indulgences (i.e., The Things James Takes for Granted.  (Usually it will be some form of electronics, but it could include taking James to games and practices.)

Step 5:  Say, “James, it’s your choice.  If you do your homework and meet basic responsibilities without all the whining and fussing, I put a green check on the calendar (not on the iPhone!!!!!!).  That means you have earned a free night.  You can play your games or we can go to practice.  If you choose not to do your work, it’s ok, but that means it’s going to be a very quiet electronic free night – TV is off, no texting and no X-Box.  It’s just quiet.  I’m not going to get all worked up and yell at you, but understand it’s a quiet , electronic-free night.

Step 6:  If James has chosen not to do his homework, let him know that you will be sending a note in to the teacher to let her know what you chose.  (No kids like this.)

The next day you start clean and everything is reset.

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