Parenting Misc

Last week we talked about the kids who are on the street called, “You Don’t Give & You Get Street (see, The Don’t Give & You Get Street).”

This is a street where kids play endless video games, see their phone as God-given right, and basically are blowing you off when it comes to meeting responsibilities such as homework completion.

I asked you to list all of the things that you do for your child or that he/she takes for granted beyond food and shelter.

It’s quite a list isn’t it?

This week we implement a strategy for addressing it.   I will lay out the basic principles here and then give you a link to listen to how I suggest that you talk to your child.

Step 1.  Find a time to sit down with child.  There should be no distractions or anyone interrupting.

Step 2:  Start with a conversation such as the following:  “James, we need to talk.”  (Talk slowly – not excitedly.)   “You have been making me nuts with your lack of homework and the way you whine and carry on.”  (Pause count to three and let it sink into James’ head.)

Step 3.  (A crucial step.)  Say these words exactly, “James, it’s not going to continue like this anymore.”  (Pause, one, two, three.) “I’m done making myself crazy.”

(At this point, if handled well, James’ interest is elevated…It’s a different way he’s been spoken to previously.)

Step 4:  On a white board (or its equivalent) list  the top four things from your list of indulgences (i.e., The Things James Takes for Granted.  (Usually it will be some form of electronics, but it could include taking James to games and practices.)

Step 5:  Say, “James, it’s your choice.  If you do your homework and meet basic responsibilities without all the whining and fussing, I put a green check on the calendar (not on the iPhone!!!!!!).  That means you have earned a free night.  You can play your games or we can go to practice.  If you choose not to do your work, it’s ok, but that means it’s going to be a very quiet electronic free night – TV is off, no texting and no X-Box.  It’s just quiet.  I’m not going to get all worked up and yell at you, but understand it’s a quiet , electronic-free night.

Step 6:  If James has chosen not to do his homework, let him know that you will be sending a note in to the teacher to let her know what you chose.  (No kids like this.)

The next day you start clean and everything is reset.

Extra Add On

Listen here for a brief  audio add on.

LISTEN HERE: AUDIO ADD ON

Are you out there in that land called Homework Non-Compliance Land?  Do you find yourself over-worrying while your child has a very different approach to his responsibilities like homework?

There are some tell-tale signs (all told to me recently):

• Maybe you are finishing your child’s homework project while your child is at a sporting event.
• You use the word “we,” a lot, as in “we have a big project to do.”
• There are daily, (or multiple times a day) where you are logging on to the school’s website where they track grades and assignments.
• Worse than above, you are waking in a cold sweat in the middle of the night worried about your kid’s project while once again logging on to the school’s website.
• While you are either doing your kid’s project, he is either hanging on YouTube, texting his friends or playing his final battle of “Call of Duty” while you spend the night churning over the homework worry.
• On a “worry scale” over homework you rank yourself a 10 (highest) while your kid is a 1. (That is, you are worrying about homework a lot, while your kid not at all.)

What’s the hidden agenda of homework?

It isn’t learning.  There is very little learning taking place with homework.  Do any of you remember any homework assignments you ever did?

Underneath homework is a societal agenda.  It’s the way we teach kids to be responsible.  It’s their job.  To meet the deadline.  To show up on time.  To manage your time.

You know, the usual stuff.

So, what happens if your kid blows off his job?

To answer that, over the next week try this exercise. Start on Sunday and go through a whole week, making a list of everything you do for your child or that your child takes for granted.   On the list  would be anything beyond food and shelter.

I will start you up:

• Owns an iPad.
• Access to iPad if doesn’t have own..
• Access to internet.
• Access to cell phone.
• Video game playing.
• Access to playing games on line.
• “Play dates.”
• Soccer, karate, basketball, gymnastics, dance, etc.
• Lots of fun restaurants (especially the kid friendly ones that have their own iPads at the table).

Keep going.  Write it all down.

Every time you are doing something for your child or your child engages with an activity or task that really is a privilege, get it down on the list.

Where we are going with this is that most kids are on a one way street and we don’t even think about it or know it.   The street is not called the “The Give and You Get Street,” rather it is the “Don’t Give and You Get Street.”  

When kids are living on “Don’t Give and You Get Street,” we come up with all kinds of explanations.  Maybe it’s his diet.  Maybe he’s ADD.  Maybe it’s sensory.

Nope, this is a street that most modern kids reside.  ‘

Why not?  It’s a cushy gig.

Next week we will talk more about the street and how you may get your child on a different one.

Ah, homework woes.

The homework temperature rises across the country starting around 4:00 on the east coast steadily going out across the time zones.

As a chief strategy, parents tend to adopt punishing postures with homework resistant children. Largely, this approach is a mistake, leading to greater levels of anger (in the kid and the parent) and increased shutting down.

Punishment tends to be reactive, delivered in anger in the heat of the moment.

Does the punished child sit back and reflect, “Gee, I wonder what I can do to make things better?”

Not likely.

More likely, he is placing blame in one direction – squarely on the parents. An interior dialogue such as, “My parents are such jerks,” (or saltier language if the child is older) is probably taking place.

With the child fuming and digging a deeper hole following the punishment, no one wins, even if the parents feel that they were righteous in taking a firm parental position.

After the punishment, parents who believe they have no control over their child may feel a sense of momentary victory,, but the feeling is short-lived as the child rarely assumes greater levels of self-responsibility following the punishment.

Largely homework woes are versions of control battles. I am not suggesting that limits be removed altogether, but it is the reactivity and the tone of punishment that needs to be addressed.

Assuming that the homework assigned is in the child’s competence level (often not the case, mind you), then stepping back and giving the child choices that you can live with lessens the control battle. In some cases, the child may need some homework writing help. If so, you can be there to provide that support. Alternatively, there are a number of online tools that can be used to help your child with their homework. We all understand that not every child works at the same level, which is why one to one mentoring may be something worth considering. This way, each student can focus on their weaknesses in the classroom. Soon enough, you’ll be able to see progression in the child’s skills, homework and class work. And I’m sure parents would love to see these improvements, which is why you may want to discover these student portfolios found on the ClassDojo website. You’ll be able to keep a collection of student’s work to look back on in the future. When positive changes are implemented, it makes it a lot easier for everyone. Most of the time though, a child failing to do homework is a child refusing to do home work, not a child who is simply unable to do homework. You can try some positive enforcement or bringing in new stationery to make the homework experience more exciting. Some children learn best with bright colors, so purchasing highlighters from an office supplier like Office Monster, could be quite useful. It is very important to capture the imagination of the child.

“Look, what do you prefer,” you might say delivered in a fairly neutral tone, “starting homework before or after dinner?”

You might continue, “I’m not going to make myself crazy over homework. It’s up to you. I am close by if you really need some help. (Don’t make yourself too close by.) If you choose not to do your homework (set an outer time limit), I will let the teacher know about your choice. You can talk to her about it.”

There are other natural consequences for a child choosing the non-homework path.

Try a few of these on for size:

“Gee, I know you were looking forward to going to soccer game on Saturday, but we don’t bring kids who don’t do their job.”

“It’s a shame, we were going to have a fun night at Target after homework, but I probably won’t be in a good mood to take anyone who chooses to blow off his homework and just play on the iPad.”

“In our house, cell phones and iPads are turned off for night a child chooses to not do homework. Let me know what you choose.”

Now you might think those last few examples are punishment, but I don’t see it that way. These are not delivered in anger and frustration in the heat of the moment. They are simply laying out the landscape, the rules. The kid gets the notion that there is choice involved.

Takeaway Point:

Homework woes = Control Battles

Give the kid some latitude to make a choice and then let things fall into place

Relax. Pour yourself a glass of wine and put your feet up.

Get out your calculator and add up the money you will be saving not going to Target.

I know you’re feeling it – that little twinge that is starting to form with the end of summer and the start of the school year.

You’ve had a bit of a welcomed respite from some of the school anxiety and worries.  You know, the  stream of stuff running through Worry Brain starts ramping up.  Things like,  “Is the 504 really enough? “Is he getting what he needs?”  “How come no one from the school is calling me back?”  “We’ve got to get him organized, somehow.”  “Do I need an attorney?”  “Should I put him on a gluten free, ADD diet?”

On and on it goes.

It’s also the time of year where all kids are promising that they will put the crimes and misdemeanors of the previous year behind them and march forward into the school year ready to tackle the challenges of the new grade.  (Good luck with that.)

I know you will be seeing articles on, “Best Tips to Have a Great School Year,” or “10 Ways to Help Your Child Get Straight A’s” in all of the magazines and on-line sites, but they are of the usual vanilla variety (“Set aside a quiet space for homework.”).

So, with that in mind here are a few guidelines that you probably will not be seeing:

1. Breathe deep a lot – calm it down – meditate.  Face it, homework makes you crazy.  This year try not to bite on the hook.  In many ways, you’re going off the rails about homework is more entertaining for your child than doing the dreadful worksheets.   Try not to give it to him.  If you find yourself losing it, do something else – wash your face in cold water, go outside and walk around the house a few times, those sorts of things.
2. Ask yourself, “Is the work in the kid’s zone of competence?” If it is not, which is often the case with kids who have learning problems, then you need to be more, rather than less supportive during the homework hour (or four). After a while, if the homework is truly too much for your child to legitimately handle, the teacher should be informed that the work is simply too difficult.
3.     If the answer to #2 is yes, then it’s the child’s problem.  You need to turn down the “Parent Over Investment Dial (POID).”   Repeat after me the following mantra to say to your child, “You’re a big boy (or girl).  You can manage your homework.  If you choose not to, that’s your choice, but I will have to write a note to your teacher telling her what you chose.”

Remember, this is only in the case where the work is in the child’s zone of competence.

4. Stop Badgering.  Pecking, badgering, cajoling, nagging, yelling, generally do not work.  Focus on the mantra in #3. Remember, calm it down. If the child chooses not to do the work, don’t get caught up in it.  Put the problem where it belongs – on the child.
5. Link “give and you get” messages. Modern kids are on a pretty nice one-way street.  It’s the, “Get and don’t give street.”  I bet you can list plenty of electronic whatevers that he/she has and takes for granted.  “I breathe and therefore I have access to an iPad,” is pretty much the kid’s view.  I’m not big on reactive punishments, but a well-delivered message linking up the child’s part in the equation may help it become more a part of a two-way street.

 Takeaway Point

Pour yourself a glass of wine, put your feet up and remember…next summer’s not all that far off.

“Vitamin P”

A five year old boy I evaluated recently, Ari, seemed very sweet, although perhaps a little on the shy and a awkward side.  After I tested Ari, when I told his mom my largely positive impressions of her son, one of the things she was very concerned about was the fact that he was very bad at saying hello to people in social situations. “Do you think he has a social disorder of some kind,” she asked me.

Those “disorder” questions always stop me in my tracks. I am hopelessly wired for seeing kids as kids and less as having disorders.

To me under the “big tent of normal” there is a tremendous amount of variation. Here I had spent about two plus hours with her son and mostly what I saw was a boy who needed more time to mature and learn the difficult skill (for many) of saying hello properly along with a few other things.

I didn’t see this boy as disordered as much as needing one thing from the adults around him – patience (“Vitamin P”).

“Ah, he’s a great kid,” I told the mom. “It’s not easy for lot of kids to say hello or to be socially responsive when they are five. Give him time, reinforce him positively when you catch him doing the right thing and I predict the issue will be gone. Be patient with him. It isn’t easy being a kid.”

Was I right in my view?

I’m sure there would be plenty of professionals out there who would be more than ready to put a disorder label on this boy and initiate a range of treatments (at parent expense I might add).

I just wasn’t ready to go there.

Ari needed a lot of patience, which is often in short order with kids.  We expect a lot from them far too early.

Takeaway Point

“Vitamin P” goes a long way (and it doesn’t cost anything!!!!!!)

What’s the number one parenting tool used by 99% of the modern parents, that’s 99% ineffective?

Yelling!!!

Yep, it’s our “go to” parenting strategy.  It’s our fallback, our parental comfort zone when our kids are getting on our nerves, crossing boundaries, breaking basic rules – you know, being kids.

The second most used and ineffective parent fallback strategy is the time honored one of, “Time Out.”

As parents we think that when our kids do something we must reactively display hot anger or put kids in “Time Out.”  It’s like we pull out our Parent Play Book, Chapter 3, “The Use of Yelling, “ or Chapter 4, “Time-Out for Dummies,” and off we go.

Let me ask you this.  Is it working for you?  If it is, keep on yelling or making the kid go into Time Out while he or she is screaming like a wild banshee.

If it’s not working (and that’s where I am placing my money), then it’s time to try something else.

A much more effective approach is to apply the skill of “cool anger.”  Cool anger is more honest (it’s much closer to how you feel) and, ultimately, more impactful, but most parents usually don’t understand the skill or have become afraid of using it, thinking they are inflicting shame and guilt on their child.

Let’s look briefly at “cool anger” in action.

Young Gavin, age 5, gets in trouble at school by spitting at someone while he is waiting in line.  Gavin thinks he’s being cute.  He is not.  When it is time to pick Gavin up at the end of the day, the teacher is meets you outside and is upset about what happened.

Once in the car, the usual reaction would be to yell at Gavin (Chapter 2), combined with the threat of time out (Chapter 3).  (By the time the kid gets home after the car harangue, he is probably enjoying his snacks and watching TV.  All is fine.  No sweat.)

An alternative to the usual parent chapters would be to make things very chilly and uncomfortable for the child.  Rather than yelling in the car, in the alternative approach there would be virtual silence, but cool anger would permeate.  There would be no, “How was your day sweetie,”  fun songs, iPads in the car or movies on the car screens.  

In short, it would be an uncomfortable environment.

Once inside the house, a brief, chilly and clear statement would be made that goes something like this:

“Here’s the deal.  I am very angry with you for spitting at school.  Spitting is 100% against the rules.  Right now, I am too angry to speak with you.  Everything is off – no iPad, computer, TV, video games or anything.  You’re not allowed to play outside either.  You can sit there for the next hour or so and do nothing.  I will be busy taking care of things around the house.  You are not to be bothering me.”

Once that is stated, that’s it.  No further discussion. Turn on your heels and go about your business.  No yelling, haranguing, lecturing or punishing.    As the evening goes along, you can warm up by degrees, but I would suggest that the tone of the night should be very, very subdued (boring) until bed time.  The usual Fun Parents are not so fun(that includes Fun Dad).

Takeaway Point

Cool anger sends a powerful message and puts responsibility squarely where it belongs – on the child.  The hope with this approach is that the child broods a bit, thinks about what he has done and feels some remorse.

Cool anger sends a powerful message and puts responsibility squarely where it belongs – on the child.

Turn down the heat.   It’s going to be a chilly night.

Adapted from, School Struggles, Richard Selznick, Ph.D. (2012), Sentient Publications

13  Year Old, 7th Grade Boy – Composite Profile:

• Engrossed in screens – Video games, YouTube, Instagram, iPad, etc., etc.
• Poor time management..
• Low level study skills and organizational skills.
• Variability of academic performance/under-functioning.
• “Socializing” on internet or through video games.
• Not “steering his boat” (at least in any direction that anyone is happy with).
• Reading is an ancient process that is agonizingly boring.
• Wants to go to “college,” but has no idea what that means.
• Annoyed that mom is over-controlling him, but happy to let her have an anxiety attack over his missing assignments, many of which she is “helping” him complete.

Mom of 13 year Old, 7th Grade Boy – Composite Profile

• Constant anxiety over under-functioning 13 year old boy.
• Checking the school’s internet site (e.g., PowerSchool) for missing assignments and updated grades. Checks three times a day on average.
• Losing lots of sleep.
• Feels like she is about 80% in too much on 15 year old boy’s academics.
• Wants to wring 15 year old boy’s neck a lot, but refrains from doing it for fear of being brought up on charges or being called on child abuse.
• Feels like she is constantly badgering over homework.
• Can’t get husband off of internet.

Ah, the daily dance that we do, played out in so many households across America.  The 13 year old boy is sucking up to too many screens and not meeting academic realities, while his mom is  driven up a wall.

I know people think these kids need “strategies” to learn to be better students.  But, here’s the deal, unless there is sufficient “buy in” from the kid, strategy teaching is a waste of time and money.

Look for places to reduce the dance.  For example, check in on PowerSchool (or whatever yours is called) once in a while, not daily.  One of my favorite solutions is for parents to strive to be 10% involved.

Put the problem where it belongs – on the kid.  Messages delivered matter-of-factly such as, “You’re a big boy.  It’s your problem to manage.  If you need some assistance, let us know,” go a long way to reduce the tension points and the resulting anger (on both sides).  The dance gets diminished.

Takeaway Point

Try and look at the over-functioning/under-functioning dance of the household. Where you can, lower your emotional involvement in the homework

Last week we talked about the “Anger River” that resides, often unseen, beneath the “ADD Swamp. ”  Control battles, punishments and other attempts at compliance feed the river.  (See Anger River:   https://shutdownlearner.com/the-anger-river-below-the-add-swamp/)

Homework is the great battle ground.

We “grown-ups” often have misguided notions of childhood  with tapes running through our Parent Brain as to how children “should be” and how we should act as parents.  Some of those tapes include:

“If I just yell at the kid, he’ll do what I want.”   (Good luck with that.)

“They should just listen the first time.  I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.”  (O.K., keep watching those shows from bygone eras.)

“My parents use to swat me once in a while – it worked for me.”  (Nostalgia for the good old days when swatting was a go-to parent strategy.)

The tapes go on playing endless loops in our Parent Brain.

Punishments are 99% reactive delivered in the heat of the moment.  Most of the time they (like yelling) don’t work,  yet because of Parent Brain  we persist.

If punishments are misguided, what reduces the Anger River?   Two words  –  “listening and understanding.”  (Note, I didn’t say “agreeing and complying.”)

I saw a kid recently who had the river flowing.  When I asked him about his anger he said all he wanted was for his parents to listen to him.  His perception was his parents were being unfair about certain things.  When his parents did listen (after being coached on how to keep Parent Brain out of it), even though they didn’t fully agree with him, their son felt better, at least for the moment.  He felt understood.  The river was a bit lessened.

There’s one other strategy that helps to ease the Anger River.  Take guesses.  “Look, I bet you’re angry with me because you think I am being unfair, right,” is often a good place to start.  (Most of the time kids think Parent Brain is being either overly controlling or unfair.)

Once taking a guess like the one above, you will likely get a good nod of the head and then you should ask for your child to tell you more.  For Parent Brain, the key move at this point is to not defend or explain why the kid is wrong.  JUST LISTEN.  When your child is done, say something like, “I get it.  I understand why you are angry and think it’s unfair.”

That’s it.  Who knows.  Perhaps by listening and airing the feelings some compromise solution may emerge.

Wouldn’t that be nice.

Takeaway Point

Fight the Parent Brain tapes.

To get blogs and other updates from Dr. Selznick, go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

.