Parenting Misc

Parent Badgering Factor Running Too High?

by | Dec 4, 2012 |

Its December.

Were into the second quarter of the school year. The dance is in full swing.

All across America each evening this dance is being played out in millions of homes. Its the Dont You Have Homework To Do?.No I Did It in School dance.

With this dance the Parent Badgering Factor usually starts around 4:00 in the afternoon and proceeds ahead until someone (almost always the parent, usually the mom) falls asleep from exhaustion.

Upon waking up, a form of the dance kicks back in with the Hurry Up.Get Out of Bed or You Will Be Late Panic, dance, which is then later in the day followed up with the resumption of the Homework dance.

Throughout all of this the anxiety is ringing off of the hook.

Mind you, by and large this anxiety is not being felt by the child. (The child is too busy playing Xbox 360 Live or on Facebook or Instagram looking into the latest friends drama to be bothered by such an emotion as anxiety. )

The amount of anxiety and pressure experienced by the parent (usually the mom) could solve the energy crisis if we could learn to harness it. Instead, a lot of parents are turning to remedies like those found at naturesaidcbd.com, which help to alleviate the symptoms of anxiety so that they can get on with their parenting duties without worry. It’s a good job these products exist really or where would we be?

Purpose of Homework

How many of you who are fueled by all of this anxiety actually remember specific homework assignments? I know I dont. So whats the purpose of any of it?

Theres probably an unspoken, hidden agenda to homework. The hidden agenda is that homework is a tool to teach basic responsibility. You know, the usual stuffmeet deadlines, plan, follow throughthose sorts of things.

By and large your job with the kids that are not the best at self-managing is to help orient the child, to get him or her on track. Your job is not to fuel the train once it is on the track.

I like to encourage parents to use a 10% involvement ratio. Your 10% involvement is largely there to provide calm, reasonable structure so that he or she is oriented to task and knows what to do and how to get started.

If the work is too hard, its inappropriate, pure and simple and the teacher needs to know.

Takeaway Point

Dont fuel the train. If you fuel anxiety, it will get worse and worse, like a train gets faster and faster. It would definitely be worth you visiting a site similar to https://topdispensary.ca/ if you feel like you can’t calm your anxiety and need to use supplements like CBD and cannabis. You really don’t want it to emulate a runaway train! If you ultimately feel like cannabis is the way to go, you may want to see how you can best consume this and see what will work for you. There are more accessories here for those who would like to look at pipes and dab rigs, etc.

“It’s Miller Time”

by | Oct 12, 2012 |

Miller Time:  “After a long hard day's work you come home, grab a Miller Lite out  of the fridge and enjoy a few cold ones.”

That’s what the Urban Dictionary defines as “Miller Time.” 

If you are old enough to remember the Miller beer ad campaign, you know that the slogan reminds us that you earned the right to enjoy a cold brew.  You could put your feet up and relax knowing that you earned it.

So, how does that apply to children? 

From where I sit, modern kids often don’t get the Miller Time formula –  earn the reward.  Nope, to many kids, “Miller Time” is an all day long reward.

Take George, a young man who I saw the other day.  Here’s a dialogue I had with him as his mom listened in on the conversation:

“OK, George, track me through your day.  What time do you get out of school?

“2:15.”

“2:15!!!,”  I say.   “Wow.  I want your life.  What do you do next?”

“I don’t know – go home.”

“Yeah, and do what?”

“Not much…have snacks, take a nap.  Wake up and have dinner then go on X-Box 360 Live.”

“I really want your life!”  “How long are you on X-Box?”

“I don’t know.  Most of the night, I guess.”

“What about homework?”

"I don’t know…I don’t get much.  Did a little at school.”

At this point the mom who has been listening to all of this without commenting is turning nine different colors and is ready to jump out of her skin.  She can’t contain herself. She blurts out, “You owe homework in every class!!!!  You are getting D’s & F’s for homework!!!”

The kid just shrugs back.  He has no defense and doesn’t know why she’s so worked up all of a sudden.

“Well,” I say to the mom.  “He hasn’t earned his X-Box time, has he?  Has he really earned his Miller Time?”

Of course, the kid has no idea what I’m talking about so I lay it out for him.  “You know.  If you sweat a little, put in a bit of work, get your homework done you get to put your feet up and relax. You go play X-Box – It’s kind of like your Miller Time.”

Takeaway Point:

Modern kids frequently have a one way street mentality.  If that’s the case then it’s Miller Time without being earned – time to change the direction of the street a bit.  Link up the "give and you get" message. 

Let them earn the “cold one.”

 

Talking About You At the Family Picnic

by | Sep 28, 2012 |

From what I can tell there are two essential types of children in terms of their behavioral repertoire. 

The first types are the kids who go along with the program.  They are flexible.  From a young age, you can take them to restaurants, off to the mall and other public places.  These children go along with the program.  They tend to pull for lots of pleasing public smiles and nods.  As parents, you swell with pride as others anoint you as “a wonderful parent who has raised a wonderful child.”

Then there is the other side of the coin. 

On this side are the inflexible ones, the ones that go against the grain.  From a young age they melt down with the slightest bit of frustration.  Argumentative, sullen and difficult are all descriptors that are given to these children.  When you take them to the family get-togethers everyone is “tsk tsking,” saying to themselves and later to others behind your back, “Can you believe that child…and the parents – such indulgers.  It would have never happened in our household.”

Sarah is one of those inflexible ones.  Age 8, she is melting down numerous times in the day.  “Why does everyone hate me?” she screams when she gets the slightest reprimand.  Sarah just doesn’t see her contribution to why people respond negatively to her and why she is losing friends.

If you have one of these inflexible types and if you have more than one child, odds are very good that one child is on the more flexible side and the other is not.

What does that suggest to you?  Right.  Your relatives and all of the “tsk tskers” out there really don’t know what they are talking about in terms of their view of your child or your parenting.

What I do know about these children, is that they are incredibly hard to manage.  These are thoroughbred horses that require a certain type of handling or else they will easily break down.

Contrary to how flexible children are managed, these children need a range of different approaches, many of which we will explore in later blogs.

Takeaway Point

Parenting did not create flexible or inflexible children.  Temperament is a hard wired personality style.  Flexible children are a parenting “piece of cake.” 

The inflexible ones are a challenge to everyone, even the top experts out there – like your relatives.

6 Things to Think About As You Start the School Year.

by | Aug 29, 2012 |

It’s that time of year.  You feel the pit in the stomach starting to form again.

Here are a few miscellaneous thoughts to keep in mind to try and shrink the pit ever so slightly.

What’s the focus? 

Ask yourself what the focus will be in the coming school year.  Is the emphasis decoding? Reading fluency? Reading comprehension? Written expression? Math?  Pick one or two (or have a professional help you) and target those domains.

Be Realistic.

Be realistic about what the school can and cannot do. Certainly, advocate for the child, but parents sometimes go for the “moon, sun, and stars,” leaving the school feeling that they can’t deliver any of it. Consequently, you might also find it helpful to research ways that you can support your school financially. Most schools are critically underfunded and therefore organizing a fundraising event can be a fantastic way to show your appreciation and can even help teachers to gain access to additional resources to support their pupils. You can learn more about the importance of organizing fundraising events for schools on the GoFundMe site.

Communication Counts

The old adage, “you get more fly with honey than you do with vinegar” applies.  By and large, schools are made up of people who tend to be nice, child friendly types.  (I know.  I know.  I can hear you moaning in disbelief over your school.)  Try and approach the teachers more informally “mom (dad) to teacher.”  Use a lot of “I or we talk.”  Try not to put the teacher on the defensive.

Limit Emails

Email is a great way to stay in touch, but teachers are feeling buried by the amount and length that they receive.  Perhaps check in every few weeks with a simple, focused  question, such as,  “Just checking in to see how Marissa is doing with her friends?  We are really targeting her social skill development this year and would appreciate the feedback.”

Watch the Jargon

Kids are kids.  They are complex beings with a mixture of different variables working.  Yesterday I tested a girl who had a fair helping of anxiety with a good mixture of language processing/reading comprehension issues (not to mention a dash of impulsivity.)  So what’s her label?  Stay skill focused – “We’re working on helping Marissa practice not reacting so quickly when we ask her a question.

Practice Deep Breathing

Everyone calm down.  Breathe deep.  Remember to put a lot of the responsibility on the kid – “Gee, I’m sorry you didn’t do your homework.  I will have to write the teacher and let  her know what you chose.”

Good luck with the coming year.  Shrink the pit

“School Struggles” Hits the Stands

by | Jul 30, 2012 | ,

To those of you who receive this blog, I am excited to let you know that “School Struggles” came out last week.  The book covers a broad scope of potential problems that kids face and that parents struggle with in terms of how to manage them. 

Here are a few of the comments from professional in the field who have reviewed the book:

 

“Dr. Selznick UNDERSTANDS THESE KIDS which is why his new book, School Struggles, is a very welcome addition to our resources for parents and professionals alike! In clear, no-jargon, non-pathologizing language, he describes the roadblocks encountered by many children and adolescents and provides practical, effective ways to help them along their rough roads. I highly recommend this book and appreciate Dr. Selznick’s willingness to share his accumulated wisdom and ideas with us.”   —Laurie Dietzel, Ph.D., co-author of Late, Lost & Unprepared:   A Parents’ Guide to Helping Children with Executive Functioning

 

“School Struggles addresses common school concerns that keep parents awake at night. Dr. Selznick presents material in a comfortable, down-to-earth style that will provide comfort to parents. Parents will take away many great suggestions and ideas to keep in mind for their struggling children.”  – Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions

 

Dr. Selznick writes an important message – If your child is struggling, get help as early as possible. Problems with reading, writing, and spelling do not automatically resolve with time. Whether his problems are with academic work, organization, or social life, the child doesn’t have the strengths to build his own skills and solve the problems himself.  Adult help is needed, and this book tells us how we adults can help.  Jeanne Voelker  Founder Reading Before School; Writer/Curriculum Director Reading Raven

 

“Dr. Selznick's new book helps parents understand their child as a whole person and why school may not be as easy for them as we all hope. More importantly, he helps you find ways to pinpoint particular struggles and address them, rather than waste time with solutions that are one-size-fits-all.”    – Whitney Hoffman, producer of the LD Podcast (whitneyhoffman.com), author of The Differentiated Instruction Book of Lists

 

Thanks for all of your support. 

Enjoy

 

Homework Shenanigans: A Play in One act

by | Feb 3, 2012 |

Players: The Mom and Miles, age 11
Scene:  Family Office.   Door closed. Miles & The Mom in the room. No One else is around.
The Mom: (Speaking very calmly with no edgy tones) Miles, I’ve been thinking about it. I realize that I’ve been really messing up the whole homework scene.
 
Miles: (Not saying anything but looks definitely interested with perked up ears.)
 
The Mom: Yep, I realize I’ve been too involved and too controlling about your homework.
 
Miles: (Still not speaking, looking very, very interested.)
 
The Mom:  I know you don’t want to do your homework and from now on I want you to know it’s totally your choice. It’s up to you. But here’s the deal, though. Playing your video games and texting are going to be earned. It’s one way or the other. If you choose to do your homework, great.  That’s wonderful. That means you have earned your electronics for the evening. If you give me a rough time and avoid like usual, that’s ok too. It just means you haven’t earned the electronics for the night. Either way is fine. 
 
If you choose to not do your homework, I just have to write a note to your teacher letting her know about your choice.  You’ll just let me know.”
 
Miles: (Stunned at mom’s calm and objective tones is wondering when she’s going to erupt like she normally does. He’s feeling really worried that this time, she just might be getting it right.)
 
The Mom:  We’ll start tonight. Let me know what you choose.  If you choose to do your work, let me know if you need any help with anything.  I’ll be in the kitchen putting things away.
 
Miles:  (Walks out stunned wondering what happened to his mother.  "I wonder if she really means this," he thinks to himself.)

Playing the Odds: Which Horse Would You Bet?

by | Apr 16, 2011 |

Having been raised by a father who enjoyed playing the horses, I have been well-acquainted with how odds work, and I often find myself looking for the best horse racing tips so I can make a bit of quick cash here and there.

No, this is not going to be an essay on how to win at the track, but it is one on changing the odds. You can learn to bet on sports elsewhere if you’re looking for tips, but we’re doing life lessons today.

Kids rarely think about changing the odds in school, yet they should. They need to be schooled in odds. These are the kinds of skills that can prove very useful in adult life. People that can learn things like odds from a young age may even go on to do things like Buy a betting shop when they’re older. However, if you already have these skills, this may be something you look towards doing now.

Take the conversation I had this week with James a very sincere, 20 year old, junior in college. Among other things, James told me how hard it was for him to pay attention when he was in lecture hall. I dont know why I just tune out, James said. I always had trouble with lectures.

Let me guess, I said to him. When you arrive at the lecture hall, youre not thinking about much, right? You kind of land wherever you land in the class. Then about ten minutes into the lecture, you pull out your cell phone and check the internet. About 15 minutes or so into the lecture you start texting your friends. Twenty minutes in you have no notes written, have no idea whats going on and are dying to get out of the class. Is that your experience?

James grinned widely thinking I was some kind of prescient mind reader.

I said to James, Seriously, would you bet on that horse? Now, if we were actually going to be betting on horses then it might have been a wise idea to look at the likes of these GG tips for UK horse racing (at this point I wanted to take after my father and maybe place a bet or two myself!). However, there are no such tips for the other side of this analogy. It could have been a long stretch to make him understand what I was trying to get at, although he knew exactly what I meant, luckily.

So, James, Lets look at a different horse. lets change the odds. Maybe there are little things you could do to change the odds a bit. For example, one thing you might want to do is sit closer to the teacher. Just changing your position in class may help you pay attention.

How about trying to make some pictures on the right side of the page along with some written notes? That might help you get more connected. (James liked drawing.)

Lets also say, you forced yourself to jot down at least five questions that came up from the teachers lecture. These questions would be ones that you predict might occur later on a test. Forming questions might help you be a more active listener.

Compare horse A to horse B above which one will you pick?

James got the message immediately and seemed excited to try a couple of the suggestions.

Helping James see that he could improve his odds was a good first step. It will take a long time for James to fully buy in, but it was a start. He was at least thinking about the odds, something he never had previously.

Now, off to the races.

Putting the Responsibility Where it Belongs (Squarely on the Child)

by | Apr 8, 2011 |

This week a mom talked to me about her very strong willed, temperamentally challenging child named Abbey. You know the type. Abbey always went against the grain. Whatever direction the family wanted to go, she wanted to go the other way. Flexibility of style and “going along with the program” were not qualities that came to mind when thinking about Abbey.
 
We talked about how the mom felt like she was turning into a screaming, raving lunatic (her own description). For example, getting dressed and out the door became an enormous battleground, whether getting ready for events like birthday parties or going to school.
 
My question to the mom was why she cared so much about any of it when there were logical, built in consequences to the child’s choices that were there for the child to experience. 
 
Why do we get so caught up in rushing kids to events like birthday parties and soccer, when there is often minimal child compliance?
 
I know that some of you will react negatively to my suggestion thinking that the child is too ______________________ (fill in the blank with a diagnostic category) to be able to handle a consequence, but I go back to good old fashioned approaches and mindsets with the vast majority of children. 
 
A firmly delivered, but very matter-of-fact statement, such as the following works wonders:
 
“I know you wanted to go to your cousin’s party, but you didn’t get dressed when I asked. Now we are staying home. I’ve been to many birthday parties in my life. I’m really fine not going to this one. Sorry you’re going to miss it – I know you were looking forward to it…. Oh, and one more thing, there’s not one electronic anything on in the house for the rest of the day.”
 
No anger. No lecture. No raised voice, but eminent clarity.
 
These lessons tend to stick (even with kids who don’t pay attention very well).

How High is Your “Parent Over-Investment Dial?”

by | Mar 18, 2011 |

Is your Parent Over-investment Dial (P.O.I.D.) set too high?

Parents are often in pretty deep with their kids’ school work. However, by the time the child has reached middle school the typical message from the teachers is, “Parents – It is time for you to bug out. They are big boys and girls and should be doing the work on their own.” This puts the parents in a quandary.

For many middle school children such wisdom is fine. Probably about 60 percent or so of the children in middle school are able to manage their own school affairs without too much parent involvement. For the remaining 40%, the ones that have trouble staying organized, getting started and sustaining their mental effort, they tend to need more parent input.
 

The difficult part is knowing how much parent involvement is too much.  A guideline that I find helpful for parents is the suggestions that they should be 10% involved, as a general rule. 

What does 10 % involvement look like in real terms?

It means that the child is largely responsible for managing his own school affairs. The parent would help the child in terms of orienting him to the task, cuing him in and guiding a bit so that the child is on the right track and not floundering around aimlessly.
 

The 10 % solution means you turn down your Parent Over-Investment Dial. You know your dial is set too high when you are swirling around and worrying about your kids’ homework, while your child has barely broken a sweat.

If you’re doing 60 – 70% or more of the worrying, why should the child? If I were a child in such a situation, I’d be thinking, “That’s a good deal, keep going. Thanks, mom for doing the worrying for me.”
 

It’s human nature, no? Who wants to do the homework anyway?

So, put your feet up, pour yourself a glass of wine and turn down your P.O.I.D.  to 10%.

"Ahhhh."

Brief Shut-Down Learner Tip #1: Trust Your Gut

by | Feb 16, 2011 | ,

Brief Shut-Down Learner Tip #1: Trust Your Gut

Listen Up, moms!

If you believe your child is having difficulty, listen to yourself. Don’t fall for statements such as, “You know how boys are,” or “She’ll grow out of it.”

Act on your feelings even if your child has been shown to be ineligible for school services.

Consult with a trustworthy, competent person to have your feelings and perceptions about your child checked out.

In my experience, it is exceedingly rare that a mom think something is going on and there is nothing there.

(Now the dads are another story!)
 

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