Executive Functioning

“Executive Functioning” – Are You Too Hot or Too Cold?

For those of you who follow this blog or read my other “stuff,” you know that my overall is to present to parents in down-to-earth, understandable terms, concepts that I think have become unnecessarily complicated.

“Executive Functioning” is a term I hear parents use a great deal, but when I ask them what they are referring to, I usually get a shrug and a look of confusion (even though they are pretty sure their child has it).

When it comes to “executive functioning,” here are few points to keep in mind:

Ship’s Rudder: Think of “executive functioning” like the rudder to a ship helping to steer things along.  For many kids they have firm “rudders” and their boat is well-steered. Tasks get started and finished.  Completing homework is no big deal.

For others, their rudder is quite floppy, which leads to floundering around and not staying on course.  Homework is rarely completed.  Basic tasks like walking the dog or putting things away are an enormous chore.

Late Maturing of the Rudder: For many of the students of concern (especially the boys), there is a late maturing of the “rudder.” Effectively, these children are not on the same timetable of school.

 Be careful with comparing your child to the average or the “norm,” as your child may be outside of the norm with the various executive functioning skills, such as task initiation and sustained effort.

The Goldilocks Rule and the 10% Standard: One of the toughest questions parents grapple with is how much they should be involved on a day-to-day basis.

Many parents that I meet (ok, the moms) are very involved with the child’s school work.  As the mom does everything she can to get the child to do their work, the child is ignoring it all while they are on TikTok, Youtube or whatever.

When it comes to parent involvement, I like parents to be thinking of the “10% solution,” which means that the parent should be approximately 10% or so involved.

The “Goldilocks Standard” is also something I mention when considering their involvement.

That is, if you are in too deep (i.e., the soup is too hot) then the kid will not be taking sufficient personal responsibility for things like homework.  Why worry about work if the parent is doing most of the worrying, anyway?.

On the other hand, if you are not involved  (i.e., the soup is too cold) with a weak-rudder type of child, then the child will flounder.

Takeaway Point

Try and find the sweet-spot of parental involvement – not too hot, not too cold, but just right and you will be on the path to helping move things forward.


Copyright, 2022 www.shutdownlearner.com (revised from 8/20/21)

Questions or comments email Dr. Selznick:  rselznick615@gmail.com

“P.A.D. – ‘Pain Avoidance Disorder’ & the Reality of School”

In the landscape of modern childhood there is something that I have come to call, “P.A.D.” or “Pain Avoidance Disorder.”

For children showing P.A.D., basic tasks/chores asked of them are viewed as enormous impositions and they will go to great lengths to sidestep the perceived discomfort.

Take, Callie a 9-year-old who begged her mother for two years to get a dog.

After about three months of having the dog, the novelty wore off and asking Callie to take the dog out for a walk upset her, as it interrupted her ongoing TikTok viewing.

“How could her mother dare interrupt her pleasure on TikTok?  Didn’t she know it was important,” was Callie’s thought process.

P.A.D. style children also have the notion that school should be fun most of the time.

While school has its fun, inevitably there will be hard work and periods of boredom.  As 11-year old Peter protests to his mother while playing Fortnite,  “School is so boring – I hate the work.  It’s just not fun.”

So, Peter largely avoids completing school work.

Similarly, 14-year-old Kyle offers a litany of complaints about the horrors of school, complaining that school is boring and not fun.

During a session  Kyle continues his complaining about the intensive boredom.

After a few minutes of listening to the complaining, I joke back at him and respond, “Wait! Stop.  I can’t listen anymore.  When was school ever fun? Since at least the year 1650 school’s always been a pain in the rear end (said differently), so why should it be any different now?”

I ask Kyle to translate to see if he understood what I said. “School sucks and it always sucked, Kyle translates.” “Brilliant analysis,” I tell him.

While laughing, he continues to tell me the horror of his teachers and why his classes are so terrible, trying to convince me that his problems are due to the teachers and the way they run their classes.

I continue poking fun at Kyle explaining to him about the law of averages regarding how many teachers out of five or six are going to be fun and entertaining.

I do my best to bring a dose of reality to his head, but it’s not making too much of a dent.

Takeaway Point

P.A.D. can run very deep especially when pleasure is at their fingertips throughout the day.  There’s a built-in reality to school and school work that needs to be understood to help these kids work through their issues.


Copyright, 2021 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or comments email Dr. Selznick:  rselznick615@gmail.com.

 

Executive Functioning & the Goldilocks Standard

My overall mission on www.shutdownlearner.com is to present to parents in down-to-earth, understandable terms, concepts that I think have become unnecessarily complicated.

“Executive Functioning” is a term I hear parents use a great deal, but when I ask them what they are referring to, I usually get a shrug and a look of confusion (even though they are pretty sure their child has it).

When it comes to “executive functioning,” here are few points to keep in mind:

Ship’s Rudder: Think of “executive functioning” like the rudder to a ship helping to steer things along.  For many kids they have firm “rudders” and their boat is well-steered. Tasks get started and finished.  Completing homework is no big deal.

For others, their rudder is quite floppy, which leads to floundering around and not staying on course.  Homework is rarely completed.  Basic tasks like walking the dog or putting things away are an enormous chore.

Late Maturing of the Rudder: For many of the students of concern (especially the boys), there is a late maturing of the “rudder.” Effectively, these children are not on the same timetable of school.

 Be careful with comparing your child to the average or the “norm,” as your child may be outside of the norm with the various executive functioning skills, such as task initiation and sustained effort.

The Goldilocks Rule and the 10% Standard: One of the toughest questions parents grapple with is how much they should be involved on a day-to-day basis.

Many parents that I meet (ok, the moms) are very involved with the child’s school work.  As the mom does everything she can to get the child to do their work, the child is ignoring it all while they are on TikTok, Youtube or whatever.

When it comes to parent involvement, I like parents to be thinking of the “10% solution,” which means that the parent should be approximately 10% or so involved.

The “Goldilocks Standard” is also something I mention when considering their involvement.

That is, if you are in too deep (i.e., the soup is too hot) then the kid will not be taking sufficient personal responsibility for things like homework.  Why worry about work if the parent is doing most of the worrying, anyway?.

On the other hand, if you are not involved  (i.e., the soup is too cold) with a weak-rudder type of child, then the child will flounder.

Takeaway Point

Try and find the sweet-spot of parental involvement – not too hot, not too cold, but just right and you will be on the path to helping move things forward.


Copyright, 2021 www.shutdownlearner.com  Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick. 

Not in the South Jersey area?  For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com.

Bright Kids Who Can’t Keep Up: My interview with Dr. Ellen Braaten

Processing speed isn’t a one-dimensional concept. It’s not just about how fast received, or how fast we write or how fast we can process what we’ve heard. It’s really a combination of all those factors. In fact, processing speed deficits can be observed in visual processing, verbal processing and motor speed. Problems in one or more of these areas can manifest and problems with academic fluency and general difficulties….In every day life there is a cost to processing everything more slowly.
My interview with Dr. Braaten will take place over two sessions. Within the first, she will discuss some of the more common variables with processing speed weaknesses and in the second, she will discuss different aspects of how parents and teachers can approach children with processing speed weaknesses.

Part I Dr. Ellen Braaten author of “Bright Kids Who Can’t Keep Up” discusses many of the signs and symptoms of children with “processing speed” or sluggish cognitive tempo. Dr. Braaten highlights the many factors that can affect processing speed and what to watch for at home and in the classroom

Part I

[podcast_episode episode=”5422″ content=”player”]

Part II

[podcast_episode episode=”5436″ content=”player”]

“What’s the Ratio?”

In the consulting done with parents regarding their children’s school issues, I often talk about the “ratio,” that is the percentage of parent involvement with homework and other school work.

Even though it goes counter to the approach often adopted by parents, I find myself governed by the basic principle, “Do not do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves.”

Using that as a guiding principle, the ratio I typically recommend is about 80 – 20.

In other words, a child should be able to manage about 80% of their school work on their own, with a relatively small percentage of parent involvement or support.

Of course, there will be exceptions and you will need to go task-by-task to determine whether what is being asked of the child is in their legitimate range of capability.

But, far too quickly without letting the child work through his/her own difficulty, the parent attempts to rescue the child from feeling a sense of challenge or discomfort with the work.

Let’s take young Maria, age 9, a fourth grader.  Complaining to her mom on a near daily basis that she, “hates homework, because it’s so boring,” Maria does anything to avoid doing her work.  Rolling around in the chair, flopping on the floor and sobbing hysterically, are common occurences.

While her mother is kicking out all kinds of energy to get the work done, Maria will pull out her phone (yes, she has a phone at age 9) playing games that she has installed there, as her mother has apoplectic fits.

After a great deal of arguing and tense back and forth, Maria’s work gets completed (largely by her mother) and Maria goes off to play games on her phone and iPad (the other device she got for the holidays).

Takeaway Point

Write down 80:20 and keep it visible in every room of the house as a reminder.

Remember, it’s called “homework.”  It’s not called “homeplay.”

And, yes, it can be very, very boring.


Copyright, 2021 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com.

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

“But, I Have ‘FOMO'”

Mitchell, a 16 year old boy I work with was recently found by his parents to be using their credit card, let’s just say, a bit inappropriately.

In other words, he took their card without asking for permission, deciding he wanted to buy a video game to play with his friends.

Mitchell’s parents were rightfully upset about it.

When I asked Mitchell,  what was behind his thought process over the inappropriate use of the credit card, in sheepish tones, he said to me, “I don’t know…I guess I’m impulsive…I think I have ‘FOMO.’  Do you know what that is?  I think I was afraid of missing out with my friends.”  (“FOMO,” by the way is a slang term for “Fear of Missing Out.”)

I stared back at him in bemused bewilderment, letting some seconds go by.

Then in a teasing and somewhat mocking style, without skipping a beat I responded astonishingly,  “FOMO!!!!!,” I nearly shouted.  “Impulsive!!!!!  Don’t hand me that utter horse sh-t.!!!!!  Please stop blowing smoke up my ass!  (Yes, that’s what I said.)  And where did you get that word, ‘impulsive’?  Where’d you come up with that?  Do you know what impulsive means?”

Laughing, but somewhat stunned by my reaction, Mitchell mutters, “What do you mean I don’t have FOMO?”

I joke back, “You don’t have FOMO – you have a very different disorder.”

Now I have piqued Mitchell’s attention.  “Really?” he says curiously.  “What disorder do I have?”

“You have a bad case of  “IWWIWD,” I say, waiting for him to respond back.

“I never heard of that disorder.  What is that?  Is it related to ADD?” asks Mitchell, in tones showing deep sincerity to show me he really cares (not really).

“No.  It has nothing to do with ADD,” I tell him.

I continue.  “IWWIWD is a disorder plaguing many American kids.  The disorder leads them to do stupid things like take their parents’ credit card.   IWWIWD  is “I Want What I Want  Disorder.”    To be more accurate it’s I Want What I Want When I Want It Disorder.”  It’s shortened a bit to IWWIWD.  You can look it up in the psychology books,” I joke with him.

Falling out of his chair, laughing at what I’ve said to him, his reaction tells me I’ve hit him squarely between the eyes.  He knows I’ve nailed it.

Mitchell knows he has a bad case of IWWIWD.

Takeaway Point

Don’t let the smoke take over your thinking.


Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email:rselznick615@gmail.com.

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

“What’s the Ratio?”

One of the biggest challenges in this business of struggling children is deciding what’s the ratio between a legitimate disorder of some kind or another and a child’s choice.

For example, homework or chore avoidance is frequently explained due to a disorder not allowing the child to complete the task.

Parents reveal the ratio as they say things like, “Well, he couldn’t help clean up his room last night because of his ADHD.”

While I am not denying the existence of disorders, I would encourage parents to question their ratios.

Recently, I had a talk with a dad, Gerald,  about his 8 year old daughter, Abbey, a third grader who has becoming increasingly challenging to manage.

As Gerald informed me, Abbey has been very “anxious” to the point where she can’t do things asked of her and that she might need medication.

“How do you know she’s anxious,” I ask him.

“Well, every time we start to do homework she starts crying and having a fit.  We try to find out  what’s wrong, but she will only say things like, ‘I’m scared.’  It’s the same when we want to put her to bed – she starts crying and having a fit.  Even when we ask her to put her clothes away, she starts whimpering on the floor, saying things like ‘I can’t do it.  I’m too scared.”

(At this point in the conversation, if I had a beard, I envision that I’d be stroking it trying to look as thoughtful as possible, as I’d be nodding and saying something like, “Hmmm…hmmm…” in curious and seemingly wise tones.)

I ask, “What do you do when all of this is going on?”

“Well, we comfort her, of course, and we tell her that everything’s going to be all right.  We do what we can to soother her.”

(I do my best not to roll my eyes.)

“Does she show this “anxiety” when she’s in school?”

The dad explains that pre-COVID and even with partial school attendance under the current conditions that Abbey has never shown any of her anxiety in school or in social situations.  It’s only at home.

Not being able to hold back further, I dive in.

“Look, Gerald.  What is the one thing that kids are driven by?  What is it that they want above all else?”

Gerald looks at me like I am a bit off center and he’s not really sure how to respond.  He says, “Well, they want to be loved, of course.”

In somewhat teasing tones, I respond, “Gerald…Gerald… I know they want to be loved. But, beyond being loved, what drives them?”

Gerald doesn’t know.

I say, “OK.  I will tell you.  It’s simple.  It’s one word… Pleasure!!!!  They want to have pleasure.  That’s it. Putting your clothes away and doing homework does  not give pleasure.”

When asked what about his ratio of Abbey’s anxiety to avoidance, Gerald admitted that he saw it as about 80% due to anxiety vs. avoidance.

If Abbey showed even a hint of anxiety in school, I might agree with him, but since she showed no anxiety anywhere else other than at home, I had a different ratio.

Looking at Gerald squarely, I offered a different perspective.

“Gerald, my ratio is pretty lopsided too….except mine is going 90/10.  That is 90% of the behavior you are seeing is Abbey’s attempt to avoid momentary pain (i.e.,  homework, putting clothes away) for pleasure.”

Takeaway Point

Gerald has been an all too willing fish, biting the bait whenever Abbey puts it on the hook.

Check out your ratios.

Maybe they are not what you think.

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.


Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

 

The Frustration of Nonchalance

Synonyms for “nonchalance:”   apathy, complacence indifference, unconcern, torpor

Antonyms for “nonchalance:”  concerned, interested, motivated

A parent came to talk to me about her 13 year old son, Aaron.  Previously “diagnosed” with ADHD of the inattentive variety, various stimulant medications have been tried with him without much benefit.

“Look,” the mom said, “I don’t really know if he’s ADD, the doctor spent about 15 minutes with us. I do know he’s nonchalant.  It’s like he’s just indifferent and it’s driving me up the wall.”

(Wow…  “nonchalant”….that’s a word I don’t hear very often, certainly not used in clinical terms or descriptions.  It’s funny how words fall out of favor.)

Upon meeting Aaron, I know exactly what the mom is saying.  It was a very long hour trying to find out what his point of view was on the topic.  It’s not easy to talk to someone who shows, indifference, apathy unconcern and torpor (i.e., nonchalance).

Essentially, Aaron had little to say with a fair amount of shrugging.

“All he cares about is his Xbox,” his mom almost shouted in the session.

The mom’s frustration brought to mind a famous short story I had read many years ago by Herman Melville, called  “Bartleby, the Scrivener.”  (“Scrivener,” talk about a dated word.)

As I recall, Bartleby was the 19th century version of a paralegal working in a law office.  Whenever he was asked to do something by his office superior, Bartleby had a standard response – “I would prefer not to.”  Bartley basically did nothing and just stared out the window ignoring his boss with nonchalant indifference.

This, “I’d prefer not to,” position made Bartleby’s boss bonkers.

A mom of a 17 year old I am working with asked her son to stop what he was doing for about an hour to help pull weeds in preparation of some landscaping.

Now, of course, the 17 year old felt he  couldn’t help because he was engaged in a very important activity  (that he had been doing for the previous nine hours ) “Grand Theft Auto”  on his Xbox and he basically told her, “No, I’d prefer not to.”

With his stance her anger thermometer rapidly rose.

Psychologists and other behavioral types will have all kinds of systems to try and get the motivation going in the right direction, but it’s a tough battle.

If you have a Bartleby type my best advice is to try and side-step the control battles  that inevitably ensue, as challenging as this may be may be.

While not getting into a control battle, you could also say to your 17 year old Bartleby in very direct tones,  “Look, you either pull the weeds or I am going to lock your Xbox away in a our safe until you have done what I asked  to my satisfaction.  It’s your choice.”

Takeaway Point  

Go buy a safe if you don’t have one.

They come in handy when you need them.


Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

 

Getting “Buy-In” – Recharging the Battery

A major premise of “The Shut-Down Learner” is that children who are struggling  by degrees become discouraged over time.

Effectively for these children the air leaks out of the tire and it becomes increasingly difficult to motivate them.

They shut down.

Since much of my professional life involves assessing children while trying to get parents on board to understand their child’s issues, I find myself trying to cut into notions that parents hold that have been told to them, which may or may not be fully accurate.

For example, parents will maintain the notion that for kids with reading, spelling and writing problems, a remedial provider “must be certified” in a particular methodology, such as Orton-Gillingham (O-G) or Wilson to work with their child.

To counter this, I have known many very good O-G and Wilson providers over the years who were very competent, yet were not certified in these methods. They likely attended training workshops exposing them to the methods and they have logged in lots of years working with children with the methods, but they did not go the distance in obtaining the certification, which is another level of time and financial commitment.

From my perspective, perhaps a more important question to ask is whether the person providing  the remediation can get the child  to “buy-in” sufficiently to have his/her battery recharged so the child connects enough to  benefit from the remediation.

To illustrate the point, let’s use the example of young Frankie, a 9 year old fourth grader who detests reading, spelling and writing.   To call Frankie discouraged would be a significant understatement.

In the middle of second grade, Frankie’s parents brought him to a certified O-G instructor for private sessions.  The instructor was very knowledgeable and competent, but for some reason Frankie did not “buy-in.”

There was no connection between them and Frankie’s battery was never recharged.

After about a year or so of this, the parents pulled Frankie from the sessions.

They then heard of a teacher who was known to be knowledgeable in the field of reading disabilities and had good experience, but was not certified in either O-G or Wilson.

They brought Frankie to her and for indefinable reasons, he bought in and connected.

Going forward, Frankie rarely complained going to sessions as he had vigorously done previously.

Regardless of how well-trained a therapist or remedial teacher is, unless there is legitimate connection with “buy-in” on an emotional level, very little will take place.

Of course, certifications are important, but the message is be cautious.

If I had to choose, between a letter perfect therapist/tutor who was highly credentialed/certified compared to one who is reasonably experienced in the method and can get the connection going with the child,  I’m going with the latter.

There is an intangible aspect with “buy-in.”  How and why it happens is beyond objective analysis.

When it comes to success for remedial instruction such as with O-G programs or even therapeutic methods treating anxiety and depression this intangible, “buy-in,” accounts for a significant percentage of what makes for success.


Copyright, 2020 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

 

More From the Land of Low Frustration Tolerance

A while back we talked to you guys about a term that I made up called FID (Frustration Intolerance Disorder).

We offered suggestions as to how to address it ( Part II: Frustration Intolerance), but it looks like no one is listening, because I see the trend continuing.

Here are some of the hallmark features:

  • Small difficulty leading to large reactions.
  • Limited capacity to problem solve.
  • Weak coping.
  • Anticipation of task and shutting-down prior to starting (thinking that the task is too large to tackle).
  • Meltdowns

Take young Braden, age 7, a child I recently evaluated.  Sensing that Braden was one of these FID style kids, I tried to prep him prior to giving him certain tasks.  For example, when putting down the spelling page which has 40 lines on the page for potential words to spell, I informed Braden that he was only doing some of the words, not all of them (no one does them all).

“Braden,” I started,  “We’re going to spell some words on this page.  Now, don’t worry (I could see the storm clouds quickly brewing), you’re not going to be doing this whole page…I promise you.”

After about 10 words, Braden started to dramatically seize his hair while tensing up, “Oh my God,” he exclaimed, “We have to do all of these???” (Remember, I told him we weren’t.)

(I’m not sure how it became such a common phrase, but I hear young kids exclaiming, “Oh, my God,” a great deal expressing their personal exasperation.)

After evaluating Braden, I talk to his mom about some of his reactions and his low-level frustration tolerance.

Shaking her head showing me non-verbally that she totally understood what I was saying about his lack of frustration tolerance, she said, “I see it all the time.  We’re so worried about keeping the child happy that he almost never has to deal with frustration.  I see it in our house and his friends and cousins.  None of them can cope with the slightest difficulty.”

(It always helps me when the moms get it.)

From where I sit, too often these kids are quickly “diagnosed” ADD or ADHD. In fact, when a Braden style child is brought in to the physician’s office, it’s all but teed up to certify that the child has a medical condition, some neurobiological imbalance that is in need of treatment of a medical nature.

Hey, I get it. It’s a whole lot easier giving the kid his daily dose of Vyvanse or Concerta than having to deal with his reactions of exasperation and all of his,  “Oh, my ‘Godding’” reactions.   (In addition, as a side benefit with the “diagnosis,” a 504  Plan may get squeezed out of the school.)

I really don’t know what’s contributing to what I perceive to be an increase of kids who have low tolerance for frustration, but I have my suspicions.  In the way back machine there was a word that one doesn’t hear very often – “grit.”

How does one get grit?  Certainly, it does not come by making nice all of the time.

It also doesn’t come either by simply medicating it.

Grit is a skill (quality) that needs to be practiced over time.

When the child shows signs of working through his/her difficulty, notice it and offer a nice comment.  A simple, “That’s nice Braden – you really worked through it.”

You don’t need to go over the top with clapping and statements like, “You’re so amazing, Braden.”  Keep it mild and low key.

Stay with it.  Keep encouraging working through frustration and  your child will incrementally increase his ability to “tough it out.”


Copyright, 2019 www.shutdownlearner.com
Questions or topics email Dr. Selznick.  Not in the South Jersey area? For a free 15 Minute Consultation, contact Dr. Selznick: email – rselznick615@gmail.com

To purchase a signed copy of  “What To Do About Dyslexia: 25 Essential Concepts” & Dr. Selznick’s other books and to receive blog updates go to https://shutdownlearner.com.

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