Modern Childhood

Cutting Through the Delusions

by | Feb 28, 2025 | ,

Many of the kids I talk to seem to be fairly delusional about school.

Somehow they have gotten the notion that school should be this fun, Candyland-type of experience and when it is not, they are, well,…outraged.

13-year-old Liam offers a litany of complaints about the horror of a class that he is failing because the teacher isn’t fun.  It didn’t seem to register to Liam that his failure may be related to his not getting his homework completed.  Hours per evening were spent on video games, largely ignoring anything related to school.

When discussing his poor grades, there was no looking in the mirror for Liam.  It was all the teacher’s crimes of how boring she is and how he hated her class.

In the middle of his going on how horrible school was because it wasn’t fun,  I stopped him mid-sentence and said something like the following:

“Wait!   Stop.  I can’t listen anymore.  You’re delusional (said jokingly).  When was school ever fun? Since at least the 1700’s school has always been a pain in the rear end (said differently), so why should it be any different now?”

Liam looked at me somewhat bemused, not expecting me to be challenging him this way.

I ask Liam to translate what I was saying to see if he  got the message.

Laughing, Liam says, “School sucks and it always sucked.”

“Brilliant analysis,” I animatedly yell out.

In spite of that, Liam  continues to tell me the horror of his teacher and why the class is so terrible.  He continues  trying to convince me that all of the reasons why he is failing were due to the teacher and the way the class is run.

Again, I stop him mid-sentence.

“It’s totally irrelevant how boring she is.  Your job is to get your stuff done.  Between now and the end of high school you are going to have plenty of boring teachers.  It’s the law of averages.  It’s the way it is. Are you going to fail every boring class?”

Liam seemed to get it, at least for the moment.

Takeaway Point

Grounding kids in the “law of averages” is an important step in helping them face certain realities.  It’s not easy, as their delusions run pretty deep, but chiseling away a little at a time can start to shift the balance.

 

Venting My Spleen (Once Again)

by | Jan 30, 2025 | , , ,

Those of you following this blog for some time know there are some recurring themes in these posts.  Frequently, the blogs are my outlet for getting things off my chest that  frequently come up in my interactions with parents.

If you’re a relative newcomer, I will help to bring you up to speed with some of the predominant ones:

  1. The LD-Discrepancy Model: Easily the number one issue that gets under my skin is the LD-Discrepancy model used in many states (New Jersey being one) to classify children in special education as learning disabled.  I discussed it in a previous blog post   (LD Discrepancy Post) , but if if you need a primer on the LD-Discrepancy model, this is a great overview from Understood.org:  Understood.Org Discrepancy.
  2. Pathologizing Childhood: Not all child problems are neurobiological (i.e., “brain-based”) disabilities.   Some issues are just kids being kids. (Please see my blog on boy executive function deficits:  (Boy Executive Function Blog ).  Also, sometimes the material being given to them is inappropriate to their level of reading ability.  That is not a neurological problem (i.e., “dyslexia)   It’s a curriculum issue.
  3. “Diagnosing” ADHD Based on Small Data: Checking a few items (e.g., “Easily distractible….Inattentive, etc.”) on a rating scale like the Vanderbilt given in the pediatrician’s office is not enough.   There are a multitude of factors that could be producing the distractibility.  Many of these factors should be understood before putting a child on medication for ADHD
  4. “We can’t diagnose dyslexia – you need to see a neurologist.” Parents are reflexively told this by the school based on school regulations when they raise concerns of dyslexia.   Seriously, how many neurologists that you know give a battery of reading, spelling and writing tests that are necessary to assess dyslexia?  At its core, dyslexia is a reading, spelling and writing problem.  How can this be determined without a battery of reading (and writing) measures?  Stop telling parents it is a medical condition.
  5. “This or That Thinking:” “I just want to get to the bottom of it, ” parents will say.  “I just don’t know if it’s ADD or laziness.”   The problem as I see it is that there rarely is a bottom.  The truth is, it’s almost never,  “this or that.”  With most kids it’s almost always, “this and that and that.”
  6. Overplaying 504 Plans: Listen up, gang. The reality of 504 Plans can only do so much.  504s do not offer services, but basic accommodations (e.g., extended time, repeating directions, etc.).
  7. “Hey, Bud” Parenting: I hate to break the news to parents out there, but they are your children.  You don’t set limits with your buddies.  You set limits with children.
  8. Screen Addicts: I get it.  Times change.  I don’t get the newspaper delivered any more.  I have my phone with me most of the time, and am in a froth when I can’t locate it.  With that said, kids care about little else other than their screens.   They are becoming addicted.   We’re not facing it.

 Takeaway Point:  I understand that some may think that I am just saying these things because I am at the “get off my lawn” stage of life.  Maybe it’s compounded by that fact, but I have been repeating these themes to parents for many years, well before my current age/stage.

(Perhaps getting it off my chest helps –  it’s still cheaper than real therapy!!!)

Inside Out 2 Helps Kids Label Their Emotions – Is That a Good Thing?

by | Oct 18, 2024 | ,

When working with children sometimes I think there’s a “Brave New World” aspect to things that come up. Many examples come to mind, mostly related to the use of technology (e.g., Google Classroom, artificial intelligence, etc.).

A recent Brave New World experience hit me that had nothing to do with technology.

One of my favorite kids, 9-year-old Brody, started talking to me about his sense of “ennui.”

When he used the word “ennui” I almost fell off my chair.

“Ennui!!!!” I almost shouted. Having never heard an adult, let alone a child, use the word “ennui,” I joked with him that I was “gobsmacked” with his use of the word. (He didn’t know what that meant, of course, so I explained it.)

“Where’d you learn that word?” I asked Brody.

“It’s in the movie ‘Inside Out 2.’ Have you seen it?” he asked.

Not in touch with any popular culture, I sheepishly told him I didn’t know of it.

He then explained how the movie labels emotions within the main character.

“So, do you think you have ennui?” I ask.

“Maybe sometimes. But, I think I’m pretty exuberant, sometimes too exuberant – it gets me in trouble,” he tells me. (An interesting word that he also learned from “Inside Out 2.”)

Separately, there was 8-year-old Angie who stated she thought she was “depressed.”

While not falling out of my chair, I was taken a bit aback, as she never struck me as depressed.

“Why depressed? What’s that about?”

“Well, sometimes I get a little sad,” Angie told me. “Maybe I’m depressed.”

These conversations made me reflect on children labeling of these emotions. Most mental health professionals would probably cheer a child’s ability to utilize these words to describe feelings.

My only pushback is that I wonder whether we are over-clinicalizing (not a real word) childhood.

Is it better for children to be thinking about “ennui” and/or “depression” or is that taking them away from their primary job – that is to just be a kid?

(I understand it was a totally different era, but I don’t think I considered ennui or depression when I was scuffing around with other kids.)

I honestly don’t know how I feel about this topic and would welcome your input.

Is it a good thing for kids to be using words like “ennui” or “depression” or is this another example of growing kids up too soon?

“Missed Opportunities for Practicing ‘The Skill of…'”

by | Jun 21, 2024 | ,

So much of a child’s world can be framed in an ongoing series of different skills.

For example, some kids have the “skill of” saying hello and greeting someone they meet for the first time.  Others may have the “skill of” manners in social interactions by saying “please” and “thank you” – things like that.   These skills of greeting someone or using social manners do not happen naturally.  They are learned and practiced over countless repetitions,

What happens when we shut off the ability to practice these skills? Then there are lost opportunities and the skills simply do not develop.

Marnie, a five year, old came to my office accompanying her mother who wanted to talk to me about her older sister, Jocelyn.  When I went out to greet the mom, Marnie was on some type of head set connected to a small screen device.  Marnie never looked up, never said hello. The opportunity was lost for that small social pleasantry and interaction of putting out my hand to greet Marnie and ask her a couple of questions about her world.

Marnie continued to spend the whole time quietly with her head set on, swiping her fingers across the screen.  I did not exist as a human being.   There was lost opportunity (for both of us) to practice the “skill of” social interaction.

Later in the day I went to “Saladworks” for lunch.  A 20-something was in front of me on line.  As she placed her order, “I’ll have spinach… I’ll have olives…turkey….banana peppers…” I was struck by the fact that there was no “please” or “thank you” mixed in that salad.  The person behind the counter dutifully filling up the woman’s salad bowl did not exist to her.  There was no real human or polite social interaction.

Maybe the 20-something was just an older Marnie, someone who never had the opportunity to practice essential skills.

There are continual opportunities to practice the “skill of ___________ ” (fill in the blank).  Out of expedience parents may be cutting off these opportunities.

It certainly is easier having Marnie completely quiet and transfixed on a screen than deal with the usual five-year-old behaviors.

It just seems that something is off, though,

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

“‘Spilling the Milk’ & ‘You Owe Me’ – Child Behavior in Two Acts”

by | Jun 7, 2024 | ,

Since my latest book, Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide to Challenging Kids, was published some months ago, I have had some interesting interactions – a number of different interviews and parents contacting me about their kid’s behavior.

A nice surprise was a small group of parents, let’s call it a parent book club, who formed to dish about the concepts related to my book.

As we talked about different ways of handling challenging behavior, one of the dads asked about how he should have handled his four-year-old son pouring milk over the furniture (not accidentally).

We speculated how their grandparents’ generation would have handled it.  (One clue.  Their grandparents  would not have been dwelling over the psychological variables behind the child’s behavior.)

One approach to the milk crime would be to employ the often used (overused?) strategy of “time-out.”

To my ears, that approach would have little real impact on the child, as he would likely be kicking, screaming and raging while being marched off to time-out with little learning taking place.

Underneath many child behaviors, I believe most kids suffer from a syndrome I have come to call IWWIWD or “I Want What I Want Disorder.”

What did this four-year-old milk pourer want?  Probably a combination of “This will be fun to see how far I can go,” coupled with an immediate demand soon after to play with a screen – some kiddie iPad or its equivalent.

Some might write off the behavior under the category of “Well, he’s a four-year-old boy and that’s what they do,” effectively brushing it off.

Well, I wrote the book.  I should have an answer, right? Here’s my answer.

I think there are “kid crimes” that call for an action and misdemeanors that can be brushed off.  I wouldn’t brush it off.

If I were able to keep my wits about me (not easy to do in this situation), I like removing the child from the situation as quickly as possible. Then speaking in clear and firm terms I’d  say something like the following:

“That was not cute and I am very upset with you.  You know that’s not how to behave in the house.  We were going to go out and have fun, but now I’m too angry to go anywhere.   For now, there is absolutely no screen playing or TV watching.  I will check back with you later.”  Then I’d walk out and be a bit chilly.  Maybe an hour or so later I’d warm up by degrees. I made my point.

Some may disagree, but this approach has its value.  No yelling.  No time-out.  An effective and clear statement of anger from the parent with the linking up screen use as an earned privilege.  I would predict future desires to spill milk  might be filed away somewhere in boy-brain as not a wise thing to do.

In another story brought to me beyond the group,  Marcus, age 13, was being tutored in a public library.  Marcus knew the tutor well, having worked with her for a number of years.  When asked to do a writing exercise, Marcus had a 13-year-old version of a five-year-old meltdown.  It was quite a scene in the public library.

Mom, sitting close by was understandably mortified, later telling me Marcus’ behavior was “reprehensible.”

How did mom handle it?  Again, she didn’t use time out or other such low impact consequence.  Instead, she drove home in stony (chilly) silence, not speaking to Marcus.  There were no lectures or harangues. Thinking about what a waste of time and money that tutoring session was and how embarrassed she felt, this is what the mom did:

Once inside, mom said to Marcus, “I know you were saving your Christmas money for something with your game system, but that session wasted time and a lot of money.  You owe me  Please go into your room and pay me back the $65 for that session of embarrassment.”

Ouch!!! Elegant and to the point.  It certainly made a statement to Marcus that is likely to stick.

Takeaway Point

It’s not too early or too late to make an impactful statement.

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

“Double Check Your Hypotheses & Theories” (#Child Behavior)

by | May 3, 2024 | ,

While meeting with parents to discuss the concerns they have regarding their  children’s struggling, numerous hypotheses and  theories are often offered as to why children do what they do.

Typically, the theories are linked to medical explanations, in other words there is a medical disorder that needs correcting.

Let’s listen to some recent statements:

“After starting on Concerta, George seemed to be playing better with other kids, but now no one seems to want to play with him.  Maybe we should try Adderall.”

“My daughter is refusing to do her work –  we thought the Lexipro was working.”

“We don’t understand.  We adjusted the Vyvanse, but he is still aggressive with his younger sister.”

“The school said Michael was very disrespectful and rude this week – maybe his Intuniv needs to be changed.  Or maybe it’s his ‘sensory’ problems again.”

“Marla’s so unmotivated.  She just wants to do nothing but go on TikTok.  It must be the medication wearing off.”

And the beat goes on.  And the beat goes on.

Things often not stated:

“I know my kid is manipulating us when he avoids his homework to go play video games.”

“Maybe the school is not the problem as to why she’s acting the way she is.”

“It’s not ok to say whatever you want in the class, even if you don’t like the work.”

“No one wants to invite Zach to their house or a birthday party; he never shares with the other kids and he has alienated them.”

What to do?

One step is to help kids recognize that choices made have built-in (natural) consequences.  (“If you don’t share, others will not want to play with you.  It’s that simple.”)

If we buffer kids from natural consequences, there will be no reason for them to learn from their mistakes and try a different approach.

 Takeaway Point

Double check your hypotheses and theories.

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

Join the Fun: “Empowered Parents Summit”

by | Apr 4, 2024 | ,

I am honored to be a part of this Empowered Parents Summit.  So many great speakers are presenting their view of parenting in the modern era.

I will be talking about issues related to my latest book, “Beyond the Power Struggle:  A Guide for Parents of Challenging Kids.”

Here’s the link to the conference – remember it’s free!!!  Click Here: Registration Summit Parenting Conference

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

 

“Ongoing Themes: #Dyslexia #ADHD #LD Discrepancy #504 #Parenting”

by | Mar 22, 2024 | , , , ,

Those of you following this blog for some time know there are some recurring themes in these posts (that mostly irritate me).

For others  newer to these posts, I will help to bring you up to speed with some of the predominant ones.

  1. The LD-Discrepancy Model: Easily the number one issue that gets under my skin is the LD-Discrepancy model used in many states (New Jersey being one) to classify children in special education as learning disabled.  I discussed it in my recent blog post  (https://shutdownlearner.com/ineffective-inefficient-irrational-immoral-and-indefensible/), but if If you need a primer on the LD-Discrepancy model, this is a great overview: (https://www.understood.org/en/articles/the-discrepancy-model-what-you-need-to-know). 
  2. Pathologizing Childhood: Not all child problems are neurobiological (i.e., “brain-based”) disabilities.   Some issues are just kids being kids. (Please see my blog on boy executive function deficits: https://shutdownlearner.com/?s=hypothetical ).  Also, sometimes the material being given to them is inappropriate to their level of reading ability.  That is not an “in the head” problem.  It’s a curriculum issue.
  3. “Diagnosing” ADHD Based on Small Data: Checking a few items (e.g., “Easily distractible….Inattentive, etc.”) on a rating scale like the Vanderbilt given in the pediatrician’s office is not enough.   There are a multitude of factors that could be producing the distractibility.  Many of these factors should be understood before putting a child on medication for ADHD.
  1. “We can’t diagnose dyslexia – you need to see a neurologist.” Parents are reflexively told this by the school when they raise concerns of dyslexia.   Seriously, how many neurologists or pediatricians that you know give a battery of reading, spelling and writing tests that are necessary to assess dyslexia?  At its core, dyslexia is a reading disability.  How can this be determined without a battery of reading measures?  Stop telling parents it is a medical condition.
  2. “This or That Thinking:” “I just want to get to the bottom of it,” parents will say.  “I just don’t know if it’s ADD or laziness.”   The problem as I see it is that there rarely is a bottom.  The truth is it’s almost never,  “this or that.”  With most kids it’s almost always, “this and that and that.”
  3. Overplaying 504 Plans: Listen up, gang. The reality of 504 Plans is that they do not do that much.  504s do not offer services, but basic accommodations (e.g., extended time).
  4. “Hey, Bud” Parenting: I hate to break the news to parents out there, but they are your children.  You don’t set limits with your buddies.  You set limits with children.
  5. Screen Addicts: I get it.  Times change.  I don’t get the newspaper delivered any more.  I have my phone with me most of the time and am in a froth when I can’t locate it.  With that said, kids care about little else than their screen time.   They are becoming addicted.   We’re not facing it.

 Takeaway Point:  I understand that some may think that I am just saying these things because I am at the “get off my lawn” stage of life.  Maybe it’s compounded by that fact, but I have been repeating these theme to parents for many years.

Perhaps getting it off my chest helps –  it’s still cheaper than real therapy!!!

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

“Homework??? That’s So Yesterday.”

by | Mar 1, 2024 | , ,

More and more, parents tell me that their children never get homework.

When there is homework, it is often a battleground.  Refrains such as, “It’s stupid,”  “I hate it,”  “It’s not fun,” and variations on these themes occur across the country starting in the afternoon, continuing through until about 8:00 at night.

Of course, there are the dutiful soldiers who don’t complain (rarely the boys), getting started on their own, completing the assignment (putting a check next to the completed task in their assignment book) and even putting it  back in their backpack so it can be found the next day in school.

I never have known whether homework has legitimate value as a learning tool for reinforcing or broadening skills. However beyond the potential reinforcement of skills, I do think homework has symbolic value.

Without stating it directly to children, the symbolic value can be summed up quite simply.   It goes something like this:

“In order to be a functioning member of society you need to learn a few things, like getting out of bed and showing up on time.  As adults you will probably have deadlines for different tasks doing this thing we call a ‘job’ and it is in your interest to meet the deadlines.  Just going on YouTube, TikTok or playing video games for hours on end is not going to cut it.”

If kids are given a message like this directly it would likely  be tuned out, with the child staring into the attention-deficit ether, not hearing a word of it.

Homework conveys this message indirectly, starting in first grade continuing through high school and even into college.

With the current trend that homework has no value and is seen as purposeless, how will this message be delivered?

Probably not through TikTok or Fortnite.

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

Podcast Interview Released

by | Feb 23, 2024 | , , ,

As a changes of pace, I am excited to share a recent interview that was conducted with me by “Beautifully Complex:  Navigating Neurodiverse Parenting.”

The interview is only about 30 minutes.  Would love to get your feedback on it.

If you enjoy it, please share it with others.

Here’s the link:     (Selznick Podcast Interview)

———————————————————————————————————————————–

Feel free to make comment below. 

To receive future blog posts, register your email: https://shutdownlearner.com.

To Contact Dr. Richard Selznick for advice, consultation or other information, email: shutdownlearner1@gmail.com. 

Copyright, Richard Selznick, Ph.D.  2023, www.shutdownlearner.com.

 

 

 

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