Modern Childhood

Socializing in the Modern World

by | Nov 18, 2016 |

Most of us say, say over the age of 40, have in their mind a recollection of things like playing outside with friends for hours on end. Being inside was to be avoided at all costs. Not only that, being inside meant you were in proximity of your parents, and really, who wanted that?

Kids keep “schooling” me on how different it all is now.

Take young Jack, a charming 8th grader. When I chatted with Jack about his playing habits and whether he played outside with his friends, he responded, “now and then.” (Translation: “now and then” = very rarely).

Jack explained that even when the kids in his neighborhood do on occasion go outside it usually breaks up with all of them scampering to go back to their individual homes (remember when we used to all hang at someone’s house when we were not outside), so that each one can be on his individual game system so they can “meet” in some place of virtual reality, like Grand Theft Auto.

socializing

Jack also schooled me about how he spends his Saturdays. Since he is limited during the week from having free rein on his video game playing, he figures Saturday is the day to make up for the lost time. So, he gets up bright and early, logs on, and then spends gobs of time interacting in virtual land. When I say “gobs,’ he explains that when he doesn’t have the interference of something like a soccer game, that he may be on his system all through the day into the night. Of course, this sort of behaviour is normal for young people these days. They spend the majority of their time on their gaming consoles or computers, playing so many different games. Apparently, they can even access older games now by using gaming roms. This allows them to play the game on their computer. So, if people wanted to play Paper Mario, they could just learn how to make paper mario rom work and then they could play that game. Maybe they are the sort of games that Jack plays.

Jack’s mom raised my schooling one level when she explained that these kids are so into their screen time interaction that even when Jack had a friend for a sleepover, the kid left early in the morning so he could be back in his own house to log and join Jack from his virtual landing place. This consistent use of electronics can cause problems, such as a reduction in melatonin that can make it harder for kids to sleep. If they are glasses wearers but don’t wear them much, this can cause issues for their eyes too. Looking online at websites such as https://felixgray.com/sleepglasses can help parents find glasses for their child that can help stop blue light from affecting their sleep.

I know. I can hear all of the refrains from Parent Land about, “You need to set limits” or various permutations of moderate limit setting like, “We only allow seven hours a week after he has earned 12 tokens for each night of getting his homework in.”

Modern childhood is a “different ball of wax.” (How’s that for a term from Granny’s lexicon!)

Socializing as you knew it is not what it was and the kids do not view it that way. They think they are hanging with their friends even though they are all in different houses.

They think a sleep overs is probably more fun when it breaks up early so they home and play with each other on their systems.

They think outside has just too many elements that are beyond their control, like temperature.

Takeaway Point

The old norms don’t apply.

To consult with Dr. Selznick, you can reach him through email: contact@shutdownlearner.com

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Selznick 10 Point Summer Plan

by | May 26, 2016 |

It’s that time of year, the time where parents start to let their guard down, but at the same time they stress over what they should be doing with their children to keep them academically on track in the summer.

Here are a few pointers to keep in mind for the summer:

1. Kids Need to Be Kids. They need to play, run around, and have fun. That should be the top priority in the summer.

2. Getting Off the Screens. Break their screen dependency. Get them outside. You may have to go through a detox period, but hang tough. Make the kids spend time outdoors in the sun. If you have a non-functioning swimming pool, you can hire a pool building agency to get it repaired for summer use. You can take kids to the beach or to the park to play and interact with other children and get involved in physical activities.

3. Make it Social . If you can, try and get your child in some type of summer social situation. Most schools have some type of program that is a combination of academic, social, and recreational. Alternatively, find a local camp program – it’s the social aspect of the camp situation that is the most important.

4. Follow Their Lead. What’s your child’s leanings and interests? For example, if your kid is a reptile/swamp type of kid, try and find an outdoor camp to tap into his passion. There may not be an exact match in your area, but try and find something close to the interest.

5. Less Competitive. Maybe your child has been “stressing” through the year over all of the evaluations, worksheets and tests that he/she has received, and needs a less pressured, less competitive summer experience.

6. Independent Reading in the Zone of Competence. Sure, it’s great to have the child read some books this summer, but, you must have them in their “zone of competence,” that is their instructional comfort level. Make sure you know what grade level your child is reading (using the letters from one reading series may not translate well to real books). Talk to the local librarian to guide you on some good books within the child’s zone of competence. One simple test to determine appropriateness is to have the child read out loud from a random page in a book that you are considering. How does the child sound? If the reading is relatively smooth, you’re probably ok with the book, at least in terms of the basic readability.

7. Tutoring/Skill Development. After all of the above are in place, summer is a good time to target key skill areas that are in need of development. Before you start, though, make sure you know what your goals are for the summer tutoring before beginning. What’s the target of tutoring? Decoding? Comprehension? Writing? Word problems?

8. Turn Down the Heat. Save some energy by reducing electricity wastage and yelling less. For the first one, get your air conditioners inspected and cleaned. If there is any dirt inside the air conditioner, contact an HVAC Cleaning & Restoration professional from companies like DUCTZ of Greenville & Spartanburg. Remember, when your AC is clean it can function efficiently, helping you to reduce energy wastage.

For the second one, strive to turn down the yelling, and badgering that is popular in households. It isn’t working. It’s only making your household hotter and the kid isn’t saying, “Thanks for yelling, mom, I understand. I will start reading now.”

9. Family Games. Find some old school family games to play (see point 2 – video games don’t count). It doesn’t have to be overly involved – play some Uno, for example. Old school lawn games are fun too. Maybe start a group jigsaw puzzle. After all, you can conveniently purchase Custom Photo Jigsaw Puzzles online. Again, there may be some initial whining as you go through Screen Detox, but if you work through it, they will come around.

10. Lower the Parent Worry Meter. Breathe deep. Get outside yourself. Every time you start thinking about something like school and coming September, let it go. Take out some personal time for yourself, go to the spa, or go out for drinks with a few friends. Take care of your health and skin. You can start supplements to help you achieve improved immunity, metabolism, and anti-aging. One such supplement can be glutathion, which can overall detoxify your body and assist in balanced physical health.

Notice your breath and breathe this summer! Enjoy with kids and stay worry-free! It is crucial that you, as a parent, show your children to keep balance in life between duties and private time so that they can learn to do the same.

That’s it – The Selznick Point Summer Plan.

Yep. Summer time and the living is easy.

Screens, Distractability & ADHD

by | Feb 19, 2016 | ,

“Children surrounded by fast-paced visual stimuli (TV, videos, computer games) at the expense of face-to-face adult modeling, interactive language, reflective problem- solving, creative play, and sustained attention may be expected to arrive at school unprepared for academic learning—and to fall farther behind and become increasingly “unmotivated” as the years go by.”
― Jane M. Healy, Endangered Minds: Why Children Don’t Think and What We Can Do About It

I go out to the waiting room to greet young Jana, age five, a kindergarten child who is coming in for an assessment because her school thinks she is having trouble “paying attention.”

“Hi Jana, “I say in the upbeat style that usually gets kids engaged and comfortable.

Jana does not look up. Her iPad is far more captivating than saying hello to this new person. To Jana I don’t exist. The mom tries to get Jana to say hello, but she’s not budging for her either.

We go back and I offer Jana some toys (old school ones in a box – you know, different human figures animals, cars and trucks) that she shows no interest in playing. Again, her iPad is holding her riveted.

(I flash on Gollum in Lord of the Rings – ”My precious, my precious,” as he would stroke the ring. I think Jana may start doing the same the same with the iPad – ‘My precious…my precious.’)

Jana’s mom, Beth, starts talking about Jana’s focusing difficulties. She says, “I worry that it’s all the screens. She gets in the car and the TV is on the seat panels. She’ can’t even go three minutes without it on. When we get to the restaurant, she demands the iPad. We give it to her – maybe it’s helping her visual skills, I don’t know. At night she never wants to plays even though we try and play games with her. When kids come over all they want to do is have iPads.  They really don’t play with each other.   The school thinks we need to see a doctor to consider medication for her focusing.”

I don’t want to sound like an old head, but Jane Healy hit it on the head in the above quote.  (Keep in mind Jane Healy wrote Endangered Minds in 1999.)

There is a skill to greeting someone in the waiting room. There is a skill to playing with toys or interacting in a restaurant. These skills need development and practice.
If we don’t give kids a chance to practice these skills, the skills will not develop.

Simple as that.

Takeaway Point
Create “No Screen Zone” blocks of time.

Detox them.

Be firm. Be brave.

“Smarts Draining From the Kid’s Ears”

by | Feb 12, 2016 |

This week I met a real cute, spunky, spirited 7 year old second grader, Noah, who was having the common struggles with reading, spelling and writing. When asked about three wishes he told me, “to be Superman, to fly, and to be able to teleport.” Once he wrote down his wishes (not very clearly I might add), he quickly amended his wishes to note, “But if I became Superman, “that would cover me for the flying one,” he astutely noted.

He was that type of kid.

After he had done nicely on different hands-on, non-verbal tasks I exclaimed, “Wow, look at you, you’re a pretty smart kid, aren’t you?”
Without skipping a beat, Noah responded, “Yeah, but my smarts drain out of my ears when I get to school.”

While I intuitively understood what he meant, I asked him to clarify his statement.

“Well it’s like this,” he explained.” “The other kids are not that smart, but when they get to school they get smarter, but when I get to school it (the smarts)drains out of my ears.”

Translation: “The other kids can read spell, and write. That’s not something that I can do very well. Therefore, I am not as smart as the others.”

With all of the emphasis these days on scores, IQ/achievement discrepancies, RTI, Common Core, and the work-sheeting of childhood, it is good to keep in mind there are significant emotions behind these struggling kids.

Always operating on a 45 degree incline, while others around are on a flat plane, drains motivation, resulting in a discouraged kid whose battery dims like our little Superman, Noah, whose smarts are draining from his ears.

What are the solutions? Here are a few:

• Take time to connect with the child’s strengths. For example, this boy above was very imaginative. When he said about wanting to become Superman and teleporting, I said, “Me too!!!!! Great wishes.” He loved that I admired his wishes and it made helped him feel validated and supported.

• Understand the 45 degree plane is very real for kids with learning disabilities and dyslexia. School can be exhausting. By finding the connection points with a child, fuel is added to the emotional tank.

• Talk to the teacher about reduce the worksheets. They are overwhelming the strugglers. Not one kid ever came home excited from school telling you, “Mom, guess what, I got a great worksheet today in school.” Never.

The solutions are intangibles, not things that will show up as goals in an IEP, but they matter.

Takeaway Point
Don’t let the “smarts” drain from the kid’s ears.

Deep Breathing Down the Jangly Road

by | Sep 19, 2014 |

By the upper elementary school grades, parents are given the message from the school that their child needs to do school work on his or her own without the parental support that was offered in previous grades. For many children, that’s exactly what should be happening. By about fourth grade or so, these kids should be independently steering their own boat, so to speak.

For about 50% of the population (mostly the girls), this approximation of when a child should be functioning independently seems to work pretty well. For these kids, they write down their assignments, take their assignment books home, approximate how much time they need for a task and see things through to a conclusion. For this portion of the population, they hand in in their work without too much strife. Teachers are smiling at them and patting them on the head. Parents are congratulating themselves. Everyone’s happy.

Then there’s the other side. For these kids, as a general theme, they have great difficulty getting started on tasks and sustaining their effort. They struggle with time approximation and show limited frustration tolerance. More often than not, parents are told, “He’s just not trying hard enough, ” or “We’re not medical doctors and can’t diagnose, but don’t you think you should have him evaluated?” The message is clearly given – “This child needs to be on medication.”

I call these two populations, the “smooth road kids,” and the “rough road kids.”

The smooth roaders sail down the road without too much difficulty. In effect, they are “piece of cake” from a parental or teacher perspective. Not so the “rough roaders.” These kids jangle people’s nerves and get others irritated. They pull for a lot of negative reaction. Most of my career has been spent around this type of child. Having seen thousands of them, I don’t think they mean to be doing these behaviors. I think they would try harder if they could, but they just don’t seem to have it in them. Most of these kids are smart enough, but very inefficient, stylistically.

What do these kids need?

Above all, I think these kids need two things that are not easy to come by – patience and structure.

Being patient with these kids is challenging for the above suggested reasons. Homework is a battle. The disorganization and lack of task completion is infuriating. My best suggestion is that as the child’s parent you pull back a little bit. Deep breathe a lot. Meditate. Use some CBD oil or plant supplements if they help you be calm and patient. Do whatever you can to try and bring down the temperature. Try and talk less reactively and more in measured, matter-of fact tones. Function more as a homework consultant who is close by offering a degree of support, rather than sitting immediately next to the child helping all along the way. In other words, don’t be in too deep.

The structure can come in many forms. Setting up a homework hour or an hour and a half in which electronics are greatly reduced or non-accessible is just one example. Letting the child know how it will go in these homework sessions is also an example. For example, calmly stating, “If you give me a good hour of effort then you are free to do as you please afterward. You will have earned your screen time by putting forth reasonable effort. If you don’t, then your screen time has not been earned. Either way is fine with me. If it doesn’t go your way maybe you will get it right tomorrow.”

Kids are wired one way or the other. The rough road is jangly and difficult to go down, but it does make life interesting.

#Socializing in the 21st Century

by | Jul 11, 2014 | ,

Eli’s parents are concerned. They think that their twelve-year-old child lacks social skills, as they rarely see kids coming to the house or calling on the telephone. Eli, himself, seems not to be concerned. He thinks he has lots of friends and plays with them all the time.

Eli’s version of playing with his friends all the time and his parents’ version are quite different. To his parents playing meant going outside with a group of kids and engaging in some type of physical activity. They expect Eli to play for hours on end, based on memories of their own childhood.

Not so for Eli. When he gets home from school he can’t wait to play with his friends. As soon as he gets in the door he grabs a snack and heads to a darkened basement. There’s no one else there. Eli logs onto his Xbox Live account and starts his afternoon play. Some of the kids he plays with are kids he knows at school, some are total strangers he will meet online that day and they will never play with again. Eli will play for hours on end.

For Eli, it is the greatest thing having a ready-made social life. You don’t have to go anywhere, you’re in the comfort of your home, and there are snacks everywhere. When it’s cold the heat is on, in the summer the air-conditioning is working just fine.

On the occasion that Eli does go outside to play when some kids in the neighborhood make a half-hearted attempt at playing a street game, Eli typically gets bored in about 15 minutes. A weak link in the outdoor chain, Eli retreats back to the house to the dismay of the few “old school” kids trying to muster up a stickball game or street hockey. “It’s just so hot outside and I sweat so much,” Eli thinks to himself. “Besides, I am much more popular with my Xbox friends. I mean I just missed the pass and everyone kind of laughed. Who needs that?”

I don’t know where it’s all going, but for those of us who played outside on sunny days and inside on wet ones, we can’t help but be disturbed by Eli’s social life.

When social life is a darkened room in the basement with no one there, we can’t help but wonder what this will mean for Eli when he actually does have to interact with people.

Most adults older than 40 are completely perplexed and don’t know what to say or do.

Don’t ask me…

I’d better find out what my Twitter friends think and I’ll get back to you.

I will check under #parenting!!!!

 

(adapted: “School Struggles,” Richard Selznick, Ph.D. (2012, Sentient Publication) 

12 Year Old Boy Truths

by | Apr 12, 2012 |

 I don’t know if you’ve ever been a 12 year old boy not (or in that age range), but chances are if you are reading this you probably haven’t been since most of the people reading stuff like this are the moms.
Since I was once a 12 year old boy (in the far recesses of time) let me tell you some age-old truths that apply to most (not all) of those on the boy side of the equation:
1)      We don’t care about homework.
2)      We don’t like to write.
3)      We mature very, very slowly.
4)      We don’t handle frustration very well.
5)      Our work habits are sloppy.
6)      We hate to be controlled (I won’t mention by whom).
7)      We can’t stand doing our homework as soon as we get home.
8)      We don’t like our sisters who seem to not having any problem with this stuff.
9)      We have a lot more important stuff to do, like saving the world or playing outside.
10)   We’re not interested in “accommodations.” Please stop talking about 504 whatevers. What is a 504 Plan anyway???
11)   We don’t respond well to study skill coaching.
12)   We really don’t like you checking our grades on the internet every three hours (or every other day for that matter).
In spite of these truths, most of us grow up (sort of), albeit on very different timetables than the more mature members of our species.
Mark Twain had it down. Reread “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn or “Tom Sawyer. “
Not much has changed.
 
 

Kids These Days: “Indulged & Modern”

by | Jan 26, 2012 |

I was recently preparing for a talk that I was to give on childhood obesity. One of the things that struck me in my reading on the topic was the fact that childhood obesity was a relatively new phenomenon, something that has dramatically increased over the past 15 years or so.

In preparing, I couldn’t help reflect on my own childhood.  (I know it was in an era when Abe Lincoln was splitting wood for log cabins). On weekends and virtually every day after school we tended to venture in to this zone called “the outside.” We played street sports and argued with each other –  you know, “You’re out.” “No I’m not,” sort of stuff.
 
Mothers were never in the mix, except when they shouted at the top of their lungs to come back in the house for lunch.  (After wolfing down a nutritious white bread and bologna sandwich we bolted back into that outside zone.)  Dads were rarely seen, too. They weren’t hovering or playing with us. We argued and played without adults.
 
The other day, I was talking to a mom about her 8 year old child’s behavior.  (While the mom talked the kid stayed in the waiting room absorbed in his new iPad. When I greeted them, he barely looked up.)  When  the mom later talked about her concerns, I said something like, “Well, you know, he’s indulged and modern.” 
 
The mom laughed at that phrase. She knew it was true.
 
Rarely playing outside, this 8 year old was on the path.
 
Life was easy. 
 
You suck up to the electronic soothing device and don’t sweat it. Who wants to bother arguing with other kids whether you are “out” or “safe?”   
 
That was so yesterday.
 
 

 

Bullying: The Other Side of the Coin

by | Jan 20, 2012 |

Recently I wrote about   “A Story of Not Bullying,” effectively describing a mom who overreacted to one incident in which her daughter had been pushed on line and came home quite upset, as a result.
 
What about the other side of the coin? 
 
Take Aaron, a ninth grader.  Aaron tells me how angry he is at lunch every day because he feels embarrassed by this kid named Sam. Each day when Aaron sits down at the table,  Sam proclaims very loudly so everyone can hear, “Oh, no…not Aaron again. How come you’re sitting here?” Aaron never knows how to respond effectively. 
 
Sam’s behavior fits the definition of bullying. The behavior is repeated with a clear desire to hurt or humiliate. There is a clear power imbalance.
 
Even though the school has some sort of “anti-bullying” policy in place, the last thing Aaron wants to do is get either his parents or school personnel involved. There is just too much down side from his point of view.
 
I’m not sure I blame him.
 
As we talked about how Aaron interacted with others, it was interesting that Aaron came to a realization that one of the reasons people have made fun of him (this was not new) was that he was “annoying,” as he put it. Aaron said that he talked too much and that it got on people’s nerves. Going forward he was going to make a concerted effort to see how others would respond if he became more “low key.”
 
Some may see this as blaming the victim. 
 
Certainly, my preference would be that an administrator puts Sam in his place and deal with him accordingly, but the likelihood of that happening is small. 
 
For the short term, Aaron’s approach may have some merit.
 

 

“What’s the Matter With Kids These Days”

by | Nov 3, 2011 |

I know, it’s bad and getting worse out there. Just reading a few quotes will remind us how badly things are decaying:
 
"Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers." 
 
Sounds like a lot of our modern complaining, but the quote was attributed to Socrates
(circa, 469 – 533 B.C.E.).
 
Then there is the writing found on a 6000 year old Egyptian Tomb:
 
"We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit  taverns and have no self control."
 
Hesiod, in 8th century B.C.E, reminded us, "When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint."

Thanks, Hesiod.

 
Hmmm, sound like anyone in 2011?
 
In the much more modern era of 1274, A.D., Peter the Hermit was hand wringing in his hermit cave when he noted, "The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint… As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress."

 

Wow, wonder what those girls were wearing back in the 1200s?
 
We were told about hordes of teens and pre-teens running  wild in American city streets in the 1880’s, dodging authorities, "gnawing away at the foundations of society," as a commentator put it.
 
In 1963, they sang about the declining behavior of kids in the Bye Bye Birdy:
 
“What the devil’s wrong with these kids today?
  Kids!
 Who could guess the they would turn out that way!
 Why can’t they be like we were,
 Perfect in every way?
 
So, maybe it just comes down to the wisdom of the Talking Heads (1981) telling us…
 
“Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was.”

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